It's Lonely, I Suppose

[Socaoa]

So I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian. Or, well, I'm 95% sure I am. It doesn't help that almost everyone I come out to laughs and tells me "Someday you'll meet a guy who'll sweep you off your feet" or "You're just confused, that's all" and... yeah. So I find myself 'testing' myself, by looking at guys and trying to feel attracted to them. And, yes, I can notice that a guy is attractive. I can be attracted to a guy's personality. But thinking about what's between their legs is just... no, argh, get it away. I've imagined having sex with a guy and been gripped by the almost uncontrollable urge to kick at my imagined 'partner', even though it was just a fantasy, or simply had my brain 'lock up'- be unable to picture it.

But when I look at a girl, I feel... comfortable. I feel attracted. And I have sexual fantasies about girls, and feel turned on, not scared or uncomfortable. I find myself blushing and getting nervous around girls. I find myself staring. I feel safe. When I think about what I'm attracted to, I think curves. Hourglass figures. I've lined up a picture of a guy and a girl just to see which one I liked more, and I couldn't care less about the guy- I only had eyes for the woman.

However... in the past... I've had crushes on guys. I mean, those schoolyard crushes where you just want to hold hands and call yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, when you're little. And when I was older, fourteen to be exact, I fell head-over-heels for a boy called Alec, who happened to be dating a friend of mine. (incidentally, instead of making that friend and I hate each other, it somehow brought us closer together... we used to remark on that all the time and how odd it was, 'chicks before dicks', I guess.) I was absolutely crazy about him for two years. He was my whole world. It was a bit unhealthy, actually... But even with him, even as much as I wanted to spend every day of my life with him... my brain still locked up when I tried to think about having sex with him. I couldn't do it. Kissing, yes, but sex? I just couldn't. Is it possible for that to happen? To be homosexual and fall in hetero-romantic love? I mean I had no sexual desire towards him...

But I have a sex drive! An... increasingly demanding one... It's just all about the girls. Someone used the term "Panromantic homosexual" to describe me, and I feel pretty comfortable with that one.



But outside of that... I'm lonely. I mean, my friends are accepting of me and stuff, but. It's so difficult. I can't just go and ask a girl I like out... because, well, I don't know if they'll freak out or not. I can't even flirt, because I'm scared of being called a freak. And it's not like we walk around with little rainbow flags. How am I supposed to know if someone swings that way or not...? I just feel so lonely sometimes. And it doesn't help when people ask about my love life and I have to confess to them that I've never even been kissed, and the only two relationships I've ever been in have both been long-distance. I just. Wish I could be open about it! I'm out, yes, but I still don't feel comfortable asking someone out. I wish I was braver! So I try to avoid having feelings for people... because, well, I don't want to be shot down.

[Fictional]

I can really relate to this Have you thought about seeing if your town or one nearby has an lgbt youth group? I went to one yesterday and it was really nice just to be able to relax properly like that =) It'd definately be a good way of meeting local lesbians xD

[razors_and_rosary]

Firstly, do not worry about not having had any kisses, close-distance relationships, whatever. It's not like anybody can decide when they fall in love. It's better to start late and happily than early and regret it. If you haven't found anybody worth doing _______ (whatever it is) with, who can blame you?

Panromantic homosexuality is just as normal and acceptable as any other sexuality. If it's easier to call yourself lesbian, as it often is, then do so. If you develop feelings for a guy or girl, the best way to find out if it'd work is to be honest. Tell guys that you're not sexually attracted to men. Tell girls that you've got feelings for them. Those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter (in the words of Seuss). It's not always that easy, of course, but at the end of the day it's the truth.

People that are telling you it's a phase and you'll definitely get with a guy don't know what they're talking about. You know how you feel. They can't. Don't bother confronting them about it, but don't question yourself because of them. Just stick to your guns and eventually they'll just have to get over it.

As Fictional says, LGBT groups are sure-fire ways to meet non-straight people. It can be very reassuring to be around people that will unquestioningly accept whatever sexuality you are. It's a safe place. Hopefully, you'll gain the confidence to be open about your sexuality and your feelings for other girls. You can't stop yourself falling in love. Love doesn't give a damn about sexuality. It'll hurt you more to deny it.

(Oh, and the last statistic I read on diverse sexualities said that 11% of people identify as non-straight. If you never try, you'll never know.)

Keep us posted. I wish you all the very best (:

[Socaoa]

I was actually thinking of starting a LGBT group for my school... since we don't have one, and I know at least two people in my class who would probably be interested in being a part of it... Micah's straight, but he's really supportive, and Mariah is bisexual... I just don't know how my teacher's would take it. Don't get me wrong, they're great teachers! I like them, it's just- I dunno. I can just sort of see them telling me it's a bad idea or something. :/ Maybe there's one for my local district though! And if there isn't, I could start one that way.