I'm questioning my gender

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]I am in my late twenties and, up until now, have always identify with the gender I was assigned at birth. But lately I've been questioning whether that's accurate or not. It's very confusing and I feel very upset by it, to the point of wanting to hurt myself, although I don't know why that's something I want to do.

I don't think I am transgender, but I don't know what I am. There are some specific situations in which I feel like the gender I was assigned at birth, but all the rest of the time I just feel like me. I don't feel like I have one specific gender at all.

What does that mean? And how can I stop from wanting to destroy myself over this process?[/size]

[Tigereyes]

Hey, I can relate to that. And while it can be difficult and scary to question your gender, it doesn't have to be a bad experience.

One thing to note is that the term transgender doesn't refer only to the gender binary--it is often used as an umbrella term to describe people who don't 100% identify with their assigned gender.

Here's how it was for me, in case it helps. I was assigned "female" at birth. It never felt completely right or wrong to me, and I didn't want to be a boy, so I identified as a girl when I was young. I just didn't want to be seen/treated "like a girl" and didn't like a lot of traditionally "feminine" things--I thought this was just wanting to be treated equally to boys. Then I learned about other genders and didn't feel cis, but didn't think I was trans enough (still comfortable being called my birth name, she/her pronouns, only some dysphoria, etc). Now I'm just me, and I'm okay with that. I personally feel like I have a nonbinary gender, but also not a lot of gender (agender spectrum, if you will). I've found a lot of friends who fully accept me as I am, and that led to me accepting myself.

If you don't fully identify with the gender you were assigned at birth, call yourself trans if it feels good to you. But you don't have to. Call yourself whatever feels right to you. Learn about other genders, and see if a specific term is relateable to your experience, even if it's not a perfect fit. It's okay to be you, it's okay to question your gender. It's okay to take time to figure it out. I would encourage talking with someone close to you that you trust to have some support during this process (best friend, people at GSA, queer youth center in your area, counselor, family member if you are certain it is safe to tell them).

Please try to be gentle and patient with yourself during this time, and reach out to someone if you are in danger of harming yourself. I struggled with that too, and talking more about questioning my gender with close friends (who I knew would be accepting) would have helped me so much.

I hope this helps, and please be safe. Feel free to message me on here if you want to talk more. While stressful, this doesn't have to be a negative experience.

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]Thank you so much for your reply, and for sharing some of your own story with me! It was really helpful. I was also assigned female at birth and sometimes I do feel like a girl. I called myself a femme until recently on dating apps, just because I'm gay but I wear dresses and stuff so I figured that meant I was femme.

I don't think I feel comfortable with the term "trans." My roommate/ex partner is a trans woman and after learning so much about her journey, and the journeys of other trans partners and friends, I don't feel I can claim that label without appropriating it.

I mean I feel that way about this whole thing, honestly. What if I'm just "faking it?" Do I really get to claim a non-binary label if sometimes I do feel like a girl? It's just the rest of the time I don't. I found the term "demigirl" after doing some research and I think that might fit but I don't know.

Another thing is coming out. I've had another name picked out for myself that I've liked for a long time but I've never thought of using it but now I kind of am. It's not that I don't like my birth name but I really identify with the name I picked out. So if I eventually feel like coming out (I'd probably use they/them pronouns) I know my family would have a VERY hard time with that. It's almost easier to stay their daughter, you know? I think they'd feel very upset if I wanted to go by a different name. And my mom flat out told me once she does not grasp the concept of they/them pronouns.

I should also note I feel weird about this because I experience very little dysphoria, if any at all. I like having boobs and hips and stuff. The only thing I really dislike is having periods. Luckily I don't right now because of the birth control I am but I am worried about having them again.

So I guess I'm asking whether this is a valid thing to be exploring or whether I am just appropriate non-binary culture?[/size]

[Tigereyes]

Glad I could help! You don't have to use any word that is uncomfortable to you. If something sounds right, or even close, use it if it is safe to do so! Also dysphoria is not a requirement for any of it, and you do not have to transition; although, you can if you want.

Nonbinary encompases a lot of things; for many people, it really just means you don't fully identify as man or woman. My partner actually identifies with both nonbinary and demi-girl, and uses they/them pronouns. There are also other terms like genderqueer (and specifics under that umbrella) that might be more comfortable to you. There was a time I just didn't label my gender and was okay with that. I'm still not entirely sure what my gender IS, but it's not binary, and I don't have a strong sense of gender, but more than none. The terms I go with are primarily a way to simply describe my gender to others. In short, I don't think you're faking it and would encourage trying out the possible labels you like (this can be online where you don't know anyone).

Same with your name. Try it out somewhere you're safe to do so or with people you're comfortable with. You don't have to abandon your birth name either, if you like it. You could use it like a middle name? My partner changed their name, and I knew them years before. They initially told me they were trying out their chosen name in one or two college classes but wanted me to continue calling them by their legal name for a while. This could be an option for you too.

You don't have to come out. Now or ever. Or you can come out to certain people and not others. Being out to people you trust can be really nice. I was out to all my roommates (good friends) at one point in college, and it was so nice to be open and have that support. I'm out to a lot of friends, but not any family. I don't want to come out to them, and I probably won't because they aren't accepting. I have friends who have come out to parents, with mixed experiences. As much as I would like to encourage you to be you, you know your situation best, and should make your own judgement based on your physical, emotional, and financial safety.

Again, it is totally valid to question your gender and explore different labels. The point of it is to be yourself. If you find a label doesn't or no longer fits right, it's okay to try a different one.