My "friend" threatened to out me, now I feel it's my fault she's mad at me

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Hello, I'm pretty new to this type of stuff but I thought I would reach out to have another opinion for my issue. I'm 18 and female, and identify as bisexual. I have a girlfriend who's also 18, but I'll call her M for anonymity purposes. I have two friends, R and N, who are 17 and 18 respectively and both identify as females. This whole situation began when M, R, N, and I decided we would all go to prom together, however, N started making plans without consulting the rest of the group, saying we would eat at this restaurant and that I would drive. She never asked for any of our opinions, and automatically assumed that we would agree with her. However, I mentioned that it would be a good idea to eat somewhere closer to the prom venue, as there are a ton of restaurants within walking distance of the venue and I was the one being forced to drive. R and M didn't voice their opinion on my idea, so N immediately shot me down saying that the restaurants in the area are too small for our "big, fluffy dresses" even though I drive a sedan that only sits 5 when she drives a huge truck with tons of space. I got quiet, pondering my thoughts. A few days later, M and I decided that we wanted to spend the night together, taking my car to drive to the venue together, and spending as much time together alone as her dad is super strict and we barely have the chance to hang out alone, unless R and N are with us. I informed N about this, and she seemed totally fine with it, understanding that since M and I are dating we would want to spend prom together as much as possible, and I assured her that we would still be with N and R at the actual prom. A few days later while N, M, and I are at school, M informs me that N plans to tell her parents about how me and M are dating. N's parents are traditional Catholic Mexicans, so if she tells them then there was no way that they would allow our group to hang out together again. I also had no doubt that her parents would somehow tell my father, who's also a traditional, Catholic Mexican, and M's father, who's unpredictable. So after school, M and I texted R about what was going on, so R tried to convince N not to tell her parents. R got back to us saying that she was very persistent in her plan, the reason being that she didn't want to lie to her mom about why M and I are taking a separate car. Mind you, N has piercings in private area that she got behind her parent's back that they have no idea about. R, M, and I decided that we would do a group FaceTime call with N, trying to persuade her to not tell her parents. N says that she didn't tell them, acting like the whole thing was a joke, not giving a very sincere apology, and doesn't take the call seriously. M accepts N's "apology" but later she told me that she accepted it in fear of causing drama, however, I got mad and on the verge of tears tell her that she needs to take this seriously because she's acting like she doesn't care our feelings are hurt. She then "apologizes" again, still not seeming sincere, so I just go quiet and don't speak for the rest of the call. N and I go a whole day without speaking to each other, then at the end of the day before a 5 day weekend, she pulls me to the side and makes an apology where the whole time she has an angry tone and seems mad that she's having to apologize to me. I basically tell her that she should never say s**t like that again and if she wants to be honest to her parents, she should tell them about her piercings. She told me that she did, so I just look down and then hug M goodbye before I leave for a 4 day long trip. The day before my trip, I decide to text N saying that I accept her apology, but she needs to understand that threatening to out me and M, just so she could get her way, was a pretty crappy thing she could do. She argues that that wasn't the worse thing to do, and makes points about how she's the victim in the situation. So, like the adults we are about to be, I FaceTime her so we can conversate calmly. I explain to her what I'm feeling and repeat the points I made when I texted her, so she could understand my tone of voice, and adding that if she cared about our friendship, she would try with me to resolve this by understanding that she hurt my feelings and put M and I in danger of discrimination from our and N's parents. She immediately started yelling at me saying that "if I didn't care about you or our friendship, I would've done a lot worse. I would've told everyone and posted about you and M on social media." I started crying because I had never had a friend yell at me like that before, and she proceeded to shout, "I'm done," before hanging up on me. After I come back from my trip, R texts me during school that N was grounded, got her phone taken away, and that her parents won't let her go to prom nor her upcoming Disney World trip with her brother because she told them she got those piercings. After this, I realize that N lied to me and M, and panic over if that was her parent's reaction to those types of piercings, then they would definitely think M and I are abominations. So, now I've been pondering if N and I's friendship is (or was) toxic and if I should even bother saving it. I just need help and advice as I've been having panic attacks over our friendship and the friend group's survival. I also don't want to ruin the relationships between N and R and N and M, as they are their own people and can do what they want with their friendships with N, by telling them my true feelings.[/size][/color][/font]

[quiet_virgo]

I'm the original writer of this post, it wasn't until after I made an account that I found out I couldn't link the post to my account or change my unregistered status. Thank you if you reply! Any help or advice would save me

[Rivière]

Based on what you've written, it comes across like there's a bit more going on with your friend. Her behaviour seems a little peculiar. Have you considered asking her why she wanted to out you and your girlfriend? If she really cared about you and thought highly of you as a friend, all the things she'd considered doing wouldn't have even entered her head. There seems to be a bit more to it than her just suddenly getting annoyed and making comments like that.

She also lied about the fact she'd claimed she'd told her friends about her piercings, so who knows what else she has lied about. Or if she were to decide to share other information with them that isn't any of their business. Not only that, I have to wonder why she decided to share the fact she has piercings in certain areas in the first place. Sure she's 18, but many parents are going to become quite protective over certain locations of their child's body.

[Everglow.]

Hi Zoe

I'm sorry that you've had all of these worries going on with your friends and the possibility of being outed without your consent. Nobody should ever threaten or act on outing another person without their consent as the situation can sometimes be unpredictable, as you say. Your friend was definitely in the wrong to assume it was her right to out you to anyone. It should only ever be something done on your terms. Your feelings about this are completely justified.

I agree with Sarah in that there could be some hidden reason behind your friend all of a sudden wanting to tell her parents about this. Perhaps it was panic at a change of prom plans, or perhaps it is something else. I guess the only way to know for sure would be to ask, but with everything that has happened so far I could completely understand you not wanting to do that. I think reasoning aside, the way she acted was very unfair and has the potential to be very damaging, and if you choose to distance yourself from this friend you have every right to do so. The choice about that part is always going to be down to you, and your decision doesn't have to effect the decisions your partner and other friends make. I think it's healthy to talk to them about how you feel, and just let them know your situation. Explain to them that you're not trying to come between them and your friend, and that you simply feel like you need to talk it over with someone, and that you respect they may not feel the same way as you do.

The fact you arehaving panic attacks as a result of this clearly means you have been effected deeply by this, so talking is a good option. It helps to get it into the open and out of your head, and hearing other peoples input, who know the situation, might help you clarify what you want to do going forward. I think so far, you've handled it all really well given the circumstances, and whatever you choose to do will be based off of what is best for you and everyone else.

If you want to talk at all feel free to message me. I hope you're doing okay.