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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
bitesize Offline
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I kissed a guy who has a girlfriend... - May 24th 2015, 07:31 PM

Feeling so guilty.

Was out last night for my friend's bday and met her friend M. By the end of the night it was just 4 of us. M started coming onto me, and I was really attracted to him - but while he was in the bathroom my friend told me he has a girlfriend.

Now to be fair he definitely initiated everything and was the one to kiss me first - I never made a move on him. But I didn't stop him either. After a while I said it to him and said we should stop, and he agreed, and kept saying how terrible he felt, and apologising, but we didn't stop. We were kissing for over an hour. We weren't drunk enough for it to be an excuse.

'You can tell her I'm sorry, you can tell her it was all my fault,' I said, but his face told me he wasn't going to tell her anything. He told me later he'd cheated on her a few times. It was a pity because apart from the fact that he's obviously a bit of a dick in the fidelity area of things, I quite liked him.

Now I'm not going to see him again or anything, it was just a once-off thing, and it's unlikely I'll meet him again through my friend for a least a while. But I still feel so guilty - having been in relationships I know how devastating cheating can be. I creeped on his girlfriend's facebook today and she's so cute and lovely-looking, and he said last night how he would die for her and what a terrible person he is. I know the blame is more with him, but I still played a part in it and feel so bad. :/


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I kissed a guy who has a girlfriend... - May 24th 2015, 09:09 PM

I would try not to feel so bad-he's the one that is cheating. While you were aware and probably should have stopped him, you can't take back the past and redo it, but if he does try anything with you in the future, I'd just say no at that point. I hope for the girlfriend's sake he gets some guts and tells her, after also cheating on her in the past. Maybe if you're in touch with him, you can encourage it. If he's sleeping with other people, that's putting her in danger of STIs, and it would give her the chance to break up with him if that's what she wanted. But if you're not in touch with him, it's his problem. Sorry about this awful situation!


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I kissed a guy who has a girlfriend... - May 24th 2015, 10:49 PM

I've been in your situation, and it sucks, I know. Like Traci said, you can't go back and redo the past. He is the one who is cheating, and I'm very skeptical about how sincere he can be about 'dying for her' if he cheats. But that is their relationship, and the best you can do now is make sure that if you do bump into him again, you say no straight away.


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I kissed a guy who has a girlfriend... - May 24th 2015, 11:14 PM

Hey,

As much as I'm sure you wish you could go back and undo things you can't. Sure you could have made slightly better choices once you knew he had a girlfriend but we all have moments where we do things that are probably not the best decisions. It's done now and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it too much. He is the one in a relationship and he is the one who has cheated on their partner not you. I'm sure his girlfriend is lovely and of course it's bad that her boyfriend treats her like this but for some people ignorance is bliss, she may have an inkling that he has cheated on her in the past but refuses to believe it.

Try to put it out of your mind.

Paige


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I kissed a guy who has a girlfriend... - May 27th 2015, 01:15 AM

It's understandable that you would feel guilty. When we do something that goes against our moral compass, especially if we know we should stop but continue doing it, it can often leave us with guilt and regret. Unfortunately, you can't go back and undo what happened that night, but you can learn from it moving forward. You know it's a situation you won't want to repeat in the future, and that's a good thing.

Try not to beat yourself up about it too much. You aren't the person who cheated on their girlfriend, and you can't own his actions for him. In the end, all you can do is be responsible for yourself. It's important to be able to practice compassion and forgiveness when we make mistakes, for we aren't perfect, and we will "screw up" from time to time. The key is to learn from it, forgive ourselves, grow, and move forward.


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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I kissed a guy who has a girlfriend... - May 27th 2015, 03:13 AM

I would like to echo everyone's thoughts on the matter. You cannot own his actions. You shouldn't feel guilty because you did nothing wrong.

Here's another perspective: I've been on his end. He probably doesn't feel guilty. Neither should you.

Let's be clear, infidelity is a pesky business that everyone should steer clear of. I don't encourage it, nor do I condone it, but the most regrettable part, for him, is the possibility that all will be revealed to his girlfriend, and he may no longer have that steady comfort zone to return to - not the fact that it occurred in the first place. He is a serial cheater, much like I am, and he would not feel guilty about it.

So, why should you feel guilty about it?
   
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Re: I kissed a guy who has a girlfriend... - May 27th 2015, 04:09 PM

It happens. You could message the girl yourself and tell her what he has been doing and that you think that she deserves better or you could set it aside and move on. Set some boundaries next time with men that make the first move. Don't put yourself in those situations and everything will be fine. You'll get through it, I've done it before.


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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I kissed a guy who has a girlfriend... - May 29th 2015, 04:59 PM

Thanks guys. He actually messaged my friend a few days later - he said he didn't trust himself to start a direct line talking to me, and it wouldn't be fair on his girlfriend, but he wanted to apologise for being 'a dick to humanity' and that I shouldn't feel bad about anything as it was all him. She passed on this message to me and I really appreciated it. Like I said, ironically he seemed like a great guy I'd get on well with if it wasn't for the obvious fact that he is a bit of a dick to humanity. But this way I can put a fun night behind me and move on and wish the best to him and his girlfriend.


Honey, you're familiar, like my mirror, years ago
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I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door
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Níl a shíltear mar a bhítear.
Things are not always what they seem.
   
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