Trouble again with my boyfriend's mother

[eaty]

Hey lovely staff,

So, I had something happen that I need some advice about. I made a thread about a similar issue, but it has only progressed worse, and I would like some advice on just how to deal I guess.

Apparently my boyfriend's mother doesn't like me, and this has been a ongoing thing of her just being wary of me for one thing or another. At first it was because she was wary of any new girlfriend of his, but then it turned into she saw our relationship as nothing productive, and was just a huge time and money sink (I am not kidding, she actually said that to him) She also told him that she didn't understand what he saw in me. And then she was wary because she barely knew me, but then I made an effort to spend some time with her talking. But she was never hostile about me, and it was never a big issue till now. Because as of this past weekend, I am apparently not allowed to stay at his house anymore.

For the past month, I was every other week or so, going and staying at his house. And she had no problem with it and one of the days I spent with her and we hung out and talked for a day, and it went well, or so I thought, but then last week we kinda sprung it on her. He didn't ask before hand, only told her over the phone on the way there (Which was a big mistake, we fucked up and we know) She was PISSED at him, and yelled at him about it. And then on Sunday he was getting ready for work, and she was looking at his schedule, and saw he was planning to visit me (For those who don't know, I'm in a long distance relationship, he lives about 2 and a half hours away from me) on his days off. And she said "Please don't bring her back with you. I really don't want her here." He got really pissed off at her about it, he told me on Monday when he visited, mainly because he knew it would upset me and he wanted to be here and be able to hold me if he upset me.

Since he told me, it just keeps haunting me. the line of "I really don't want her here" The number of times I've heard that. The number of times I've been not wanted places, the number of people who have just not wanted me in their lives. Just builds on my feeling of being worthless and not wanted in life. He had told me on Sunday his mom was being a jerk and had said something, but he wanted to tell me in person what she said. And I guessed that she didn't want me there, and when I guessed that, it didn't upset me. But that line, those worse in particular are what upset me. It fucks with me visiting that area, it might screw with longer trips in that area, longer times seeing my boyfriend.

We talked about it, we are taking it as meaning I'm not allowed to stay there till who knows when. We aren't going to push it, she is stubborn as hell. I mean I'm 22 and he is 25, when we stay there he has to sleep on the couch. At some point we are going to talk to his two best friends about it, who I am also really good friends with, it might be possible that if I go down to that area that I can just stay with them instead. They offered it once before, so we may talk to them.

Its just really hard, I tried so damn hard to get her to like me. The rest of his family has no issue with me, they even seem to like me. But she has some issue with me, and I don't even know what it is. My boyfriend doesn't even know what it is. He swore to me that he isn't going to let his mother's opinion of me get in the way of his opinion of me, he actually told me once that if it came down to it. He would be willing to pick a relationship over his mother. He told me a story that apparently his grandmother, his father's mother HATED his mom and never approved of her. To the point that she wasn't invited to the wedding, and was cut out of their lives for a long time because of the hostile environment it caused. And if it came to that, he would be willing to do that. I personally would feel really weird about causing that kind of issue, though at the same time I've seen the kind of issues he has with his mom on other stuff. He is working on being able to move out, and move closer to me so we don't even have to deal with this anymore.

Thankfully my mom has no issue with him, my mom actually really likes my boyfriend. 100% approves of him and supports us, so its such a relief to have that. And that our two friends (his two best friends, that I'm kinda adopting as best friends as well) also completely support us. Makes it easier.

I just wish I knew how to make the whole thing easier, how to make it hurt less. How to handle it better. How to possibly make it better, what I could even maybe do to make it better, because at this point I don't even know. So if anyone has any advice at all, please let me know. Or just any support, I could really use it.

Thanks guys.

[Coffee.]

I think you may want to suggest that he talks to her about it. You two need to both figure out what exactly she doesn't like about you. If it's something that you two are doing, maybe it's something you can fix. But it may be that she generally doesn't like another person taking up his time, and that's not fair to you or him. He's 25, and has the right to date whoever he wants, and you do not deserve hate because you're the "other person." But you won't know the reasons unless he asks. I'd suggest you do it, but I feel it might be better if they just talk. He can also clarify what she meant by her statement and how you two can move forward with you staying over. Good luck. <3