Want VS need

[Rivière]

This isn't an advice post. I'm just curious on people's thoughts and opinions on the subject of relationships based on want VS need.

By want, I mean that you are/would like to be in a relationship with somebody solely because you want to enjoy their company. You're happy being single/alone and that's perfectly fine with you. However, if you are/would like to be in a relationship, it would be because you have genuine feelings and an attraction to that person.

By need, I mean that you are/would like to be in a relationship primarily to make yourself feel less alone/lonely. You're not necessarily interested in your partner/somebody as such, but you're with them to help make you feel less alone. You need to be with someone because being alone/feeling lonely is far too painful.

So based on these two definitions, what kind of person do you feel you are in regards to relationships?

I find that a lot of people at the moment are/would like to be in a relationship based on need. They feel so alone that they'd rather be in a relationship with somebody, even if they don't necessarily have a real attraction or feelings towards that person. They feel it's better to be with somebody to spend time with, kiss and cuddle, go places with, even if there's no true emotional attachment. I also feel some people don't explore this aspect of their relationship/reason for wanting a relationship. A friend of mine mentioned she's been in quite a few relationships with men and they don't last very long. She also told me that I'm her only friend. Given her life, she must feel terribly lonely. No friends and living alone, plus everything going on with Coronavirus as well. It had me wondering if she enters relationships with men because she genuinely wants them, or because she feels so alone that she needs them to help make the loneliness subside.

When I considered this of myself, I often feel quite alone. I feel quite hopeful for some of the interactions I have with people and quite often wish there were something more to it. However I never act upon my desires, thoughts, and feelings. I don't like getting into relationships for the sake of it. I like to take my time and get to know somebody because then it feels like the connection is real. At one point I actually signed up for a dating site during the first lockdown and honestly nothing good came of it. Everyone on it are all there for the same thing, to find someone to spend time with. However, to me it felt so forced and I just couldn't do it. I just can't get into it. I know it works for some people. My brother is one of them. But for me, I prefer to be with somebody because I want to be with them, not because I need to.

I actually have a pretty good perspective on this. Maybe it was my BPD, or maybe I was just insecure, but for a long time I was in relationships because I needed them. From 2008-2019 I was always in a relationship. I told myself it was because I loved and wanted these person(s), but in reality I needed them. I felt like an absolute wreck without a partner, and my mental health issues would take a toll on them because I was unloading all my emotional baggage on to them. I think part of me thought that built intimacy but honestly it just pushed people away. When they eventually set boundaries I would cry or be angry or get upset. It was not a good way to be, and not healthy. I was VERY codependent on my partners, and that made polyamory hard, because I tended to view one partner as my "person" (a common BPD trait) and anyone who threatened to "take away" that person got a lot of anger and spite unloaded on them.

In 2019 my longterm girlfriend, whom I lived with, broke up with me, and then broke up with her other partner (that also lived with us). It was a terrible time, emotionally. I didn't want sex. I didn't want love. I just wanted to isolate. The (now ex) girlfriend and I moved out and left the house to her other partner. I shared an apartment with my ex for a year, before moving into my own place.

I was convinced I couldn't live without seeing my ex every day. She was my person. I needed her. I told myself I couldn't live without her. But over the last two years, especially once I moved into my own place a year ago, I have grown a lot. Being alone is hard sometimes, but it's not terrible like I thought it would be. I have my own space and I feel content. More importantly, I know I can survive on my own, something I didn't think was possible.

I am in a relationship now and it's going well. I finally am with someone because I want them, not because I need them. I have to say, it feels so much healthier this way. I feel better about myself and my relationship feels more equal in terms of give and take. We support each other without becoming enmeshed. It's great. I am still struggling with expressing affection, but I am working on it. I am excited to see where it goes.

So yes, wanting someone, in my opinion, makes for a healthier relationship than needing someone.

[Silvan]

That's a fascinating topic Sarah

Originally Posted by Rivière

When I considered this of myself, I often feel quite alone. I feel quite hopeful for some of the interactions I have with people and quite often wish there were something more to it. However I never act upon my desires, thoughts, and feelings. I don't like getting into relationships for the sake of it. I like to take my time and get to know somebody because then it feels like the connection is real.

I think I act pretty much the same. I've been in only one relationship that lasted a year (I wasn't the one to end it). I had felt very lonely and in need of someone close before that relationship and so I do now. I mainly miss physical contact, but the emotional connection too. That being said, I wouldn't get into another relationship just for the sake of physical contact, no matter how much I long for it. How long would it last for - two or three months? I don't think it's worth it. So I have to wait for someone that I would connect with on all levels.

[Stacey]

Relationships for me have always been more of a want than a need. I'm quite happy being single/on my own, I've always been incredibly independent and even when I'm in a relationship, my partner has to be aware that I need I fair amount of time alone/to do my own thing and be comfortable with that. I've come to realize I may fall a bit closer to demisexual on the sexuality spectrum so for me to be in a relationship there needs to be an attraction and a deeper emotional connection otherwise I'm often not interested.

Some of this has stemmed from childhood trauma, but even after dealing with most of my stuff throughout my 20s, I never got to a point of "needing" someone. I'm pretty introverted, I have a very small group of close friends and would almost always choose to stay home vs. going out to parties or other social events so I've always been at peace with being alone and only tend to get truly lonely when I'm experiencing a bout of extreme anxiety or depression, or I've been unable to talk to/see my best friends for a while.

[Clarent]

You should absolutely never, ever enter a relationship purely because you "don't want to be alone", because if it seems like it's fine even without clear feelings, you might miss a lot of red flags and warning signs, and resign yourself to a - potentially long - period of unnecessary suffering. Some people see it as a "feelings vs logic" situation, but, as hard as it can be, you should look at it with both in mind, because sometimes there's simply absolutely no chance for a relationship to end well, for reasons you won't always see early (or at all).

If you love somebody and wish to be with them due to those feelings, that is a legitimate reason to start a relationship.

Then again, I suppose if one is fine with the idea of something like casual dating, or maybe an open relationship, just having somebody for the sake of having them might work? Not something I have a lot of experience with, so I can't analyze it from that perspective, and my own view on relationships might be somewhat narrow.