Took two painkillers... drank five centimetres of a 700ml thin bottle of 20% alcohol
Been sipping on jager...

Im trying to get hospitalized, whilst sitting in TH chat.

At least I can still spell!

So, every Saturday my family has a tradition where we sit down and watch a movie together.

My mom chose a movie where a girl was raped...

Yeah... oops.

My bf (almost 4 weeks now!) and I talked about sex. Before, there had been little jokes and stuff but honestly he's better than most guys, my brother included. He makes jokes, but they're usually just about as innocent as sex jokes can be (that sounds kinda wierd, but it can happen). He also flirts with guys (jokingly) and talks about "having sex" with them, but it's all joking around and these other guys don't mind joking around about it either.
Well, today in our texts we were...

i'm sorry i'm not happy
i'm sorry i'm not good enough for you
i'm sorry you cant share secrets with me
i'm sorry i'm so discusting you cant even look at me
i'm sorry i slipped up and self harmed
i'm sorry i cry myself to sleep nearly every night
i'm sorry i can never tell you whats up all the time
i'm sorry you cant love me
i'm sorry i'm fat
i'm sorry i am not the girl everyone expects
i'm sorry i have to pretend to be someone i'm not...

More kissing...yeah, I got into it, lol. we have 2 bus rides together to and from an off-campus site where there's a few electives taken there. anyway, so we were kissing on both bus rides, which are maybe like 7-ish minutes long. We weren't kissing the whole time, sometimes I put my head on his chest and he had his arm around me, that was sweet and nice too.
It's wierd cause just last year I could hardly picture myself with a bf at all, let alone holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing....

He already texted me once the other night saying "I love you" when he was going to bed. I didn't respond to that one because by the time I thought about it long enough, I didn't want to text him and run the risk of waking him up.
Over the past few days, I've been thinking about it. After he kissed me today, I thought about it a lot. And I think I do love him.
Well tonight he texted me saying he was going to bed. At the end it said "I love you " I had to respond...

I had my first kiss today!!! My bf and I walked out the back of the school together and headed down the side of the school towards the street. After a little ways he said he had to get back to the school for drama rehersal. We hugged for maybe 30 seconds, then I'm not sure exactly what he did, but he took his hand and moved my face to be facing him, and he kissed me!! I didn't really know what to do, so I didn't really kiss him back, but next time I think I'll be able to. It lasted maybe 10-15 seconds,...

I don't want TH friends anymore, because I'm so afraid of losing them.

It feels like I'm always the last to find out something is wrong. Overdosing can be permanent and yet people don't seem to realise. And then you act so fucking blase about it. I'm terrified.

I don't want to be friends with anyone anymore.... Because the way things seem to go I'm going to end up losing one of you.

Last night was the saddest night of my year so far.

Wake up...

I've been thinking a little bit about what I'd like to achieve this year. It's hard for me to get out and do and try new things because I'm always so scared - that's been going on since a child (even my teachers commented on it). So with that in mind, here are some things I'd like to try/do this year -

- Go for a one week holiday at Rottnest
- Get driving lessons = go for my P's
- Make one new offline friend
- Go to a pub with a friend

.... there's more...

I'm beginning to think maybe I do love him. I love so many things about him.
He is the sweetest guy! Today we were talking about kissing, which we haven't done yet. He was saying next time we hang out, he could kiss me. When I seemed to agree, he said that what he really cares about is that it's something I want and I'm not just going along with it. And he wondered if I'd be nervous (which I will be) and he seemed concerned about that. He asked if maybe it was better if he didn't tell me when...