fat, selfish and unimportant (trig)

i need to learn when to shut up. i let my mouth run away with me again. i knew i should have stopped but i carried on i was telling myself to stop but i just kept going. I have now lost the only person who lives near me who i had any kind of support from. Well done emma...well fucking done...You're a stupid idiot. So now you are even more alone. Why do i have to screw up everything. As soon as anything is going ok. i just destroy it. I think i am scared that it won't last and feel that i don't deserve happiness so just destroy it.

My head of years knows about the blades and the cutting. She read the texts i have sent to my friend. I hate it. She asked me if it was true. I was thinking of course its not true because everyone says they cut and carry knives and razors. I wanted to deny it. But i cant lie. I hate it. She asked me if i ever do it in school. I lied and said no. My wrist was bleeding all the way through psychology before as i cut at lunch. My psychology teacher was looking at me in the lesson. I looked panicked. I think she knew something was wrong just didn;t know what.

I feel like such a selfish cow right now. I look at my arm and see the word selfish and that does not really help. So i have decided never to say anything about how i am feeling or any problems again to anyone. That way i cant be selfish. At least i think i can't anyway i am not entirely sure. But i figured it is probably for the best anyway.

I just feel so low right now and don't know how much more i can take :/ death sounds like such a good option right now. I just want to feel something. I want to feel important. I want to feel loved. I want to feel pain. So i am going to cut some more, that will help me at least for a while anyway. Then i can go back to this horrible feeling of been alone, fat, selfish and unimportant.