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Stop this rollercoaster ride (Trig)
Posted May 21st 2011 at 08:10 PM by Anatidaephobia
Updated May 21st 2011 at 08:16 PM by Anatidaephobia
Updated May 21st 2011 at 08:16 PM by Anatidaephobia
Today's been a funny sort of day really. I woke up feeling sick and shakey...but then that's what you get for ODing I suppose. I was feeling really horrible and selfish. Still do if truth be told. But then the word selfish is permemently there on my arm. Reminding me of what I am. I feel odd. I wear long sleeves constantly. Hiding the scars. Yet I think everyone can see them. I know they can't yet I still panic about it.
My day got better. I had the most amazing conversations with some of the most amazing people ever. They always make me smile. I felt so happy, hyper like I was on top of the world. It felt so good. I love the happy moods but the one thing I hate is when they end.
I had another panic attack today
I hate them. I came crashing down after that. Feel shakey still. Don't feel safe. Feel alone. Want to give up.
I just want this to stop. I hate the constant uncontrollable mood swings. At least when I was just feeling down it would only be one mood.
I'm just sick of having to fight right now. I want to slice myself up. I want to take more pills. I want to jump. I'm scared. I have a perfect plan. I'm just waiting to be pushed over the edge now and then i'm gone.
I'm sorry i'm so selfish. I'm sorry i'm not perfect. I try so hard. I'm never going to be good enough. I am just a failure. A stupid, useless, worthless waste of space that everyone would be better of without. It would be better if I never existed. I'm invisible after all.
I'm not strong enough to fight the urges anymore. I'm to weak to care. Just falling deeper and deeper into a hole and noone seems to notice. Just because of a stupid fake smile. That's what I am. A stupid fat, ugly fake. That deserves to die.
My day got better. I had the most amazing conversations with some of the most amazing people ever. They always make me smile. I felt so happy, hyper like I was on top of the world. It felt so good. I love the happy moods but the one thing I hate is when they end.
I had another panic attack today
I hate them. I came crashing down after that. Feel shakey still. Don't feel safe. Feel alone. Want to give up. I just want this to stop. I hate the constant uncontrollable mood swings. At least when I was just feeling down it would only be one mood.
I'm just sick of having to fight right now. I want to slice myself up. I want to take more pills. I want to jump. I'm scared. I have a perfect plan. I'm just waiting to be pushed over the edge now and then i'm gone.
I'm sorry i'm so selfish. I'm sorry i'm not perfect. I try so hard. I'm never going to be good enough. I am just a failure. A stupid, useless, worthless waste of space that everyone would be better of without. It would be better if I never existed. I'm invisible after all.
I'm not strong enough to fight the urges anymore. I'm to weak to care. Just falling deeper and deeper into a hole and noone seems to notice. Just because of a stupid fake smile. That's what I am. A stupid fat, ugly fake. That deserves to die.
Total Comments 5
Comments
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Emma love you are none of those things. You are beautiful, kind, caring, funny, loved, and so much more. You are not selfish.
I had so much fun talking to you today dear. It has made my day so much better and I hope yours too. It doesn't have to end dear(: I'm always here for you love. I feel as though this week we have grown close and I lov it!
I love you so much gorgeous and always will. Whenever in doubt, think of hatching something! Haha
Posted May 21st 2011 at 08:23 PM by Euphoria
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Emma please don't say that. You are not a failure and you definately don't deserve all this. You are very very strong. You can do this. remeber our texting. We're gonna do this together. You don't to cut. No-one can seeyour scars and if you leave them you won't be able to seethem too. they can go sweetie. You don'thave to do this huni.
Sweetie what's the point in giving up. You've got too much to lose. Please don't leave me
The time's when you are happy can last sweetie but you've gotta be patient. It's not gonna happen over night. You had a really good day today and tomorrow you can do the same. Take it one day at a time. Make each day better than the last. Us friends are gonna help you through this okay sweetie. You're not alone and you are gonna beat this..xxxPosted May 21st 2011 at 08:34 PM by x_sepi_x
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You are anything but selfish. You are strong, and you can make it through this. I know you are tired of fighting, but you are not too far. Just one more night. Make every good moment count.
Are you talking to a professional about these feelings? I know that would be the best option.
Stay strong, beautiful!Posted May 21st 2011 at 10:09 PM by Coffee.
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you are not selfish, your not stupid, ugly, fat, fake, you are not a waste of space, you are not worthless, you are not useless, you are not a failure , you are not weak and you don't deserve this.
panick attacks suck, i get them too , but what i find helps me is sucking on a mint or something like that as it gives me something else to focus on rather than the panick attacks itself.Posted May 22nd 2011 at 09:54 AM by WhisperingSilence
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Emma, baby girl,
You are none of those things, you are amazing and beautiful and strong and you don't deserve this! I love you soo much and i know this are hard at the moment but hang in there beautiful: things will improve.
Stay strong, i love you <3Posted May 22nd 2011 at 01:02 PM by Riddikulus
