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Gotta loose it, wanna move it...
Posted November 21st 2009 at 04:39 AM by omg.megan
I just re-read my last blog entry from about a 2 weeks ago ; God, how pathetic u__u
Things haven't changed much since then, but I am, however, coping in a very different way then 2 weeks ago. Even though I don't get along with most of the people in my life right now, I have learned to move on, alone, and not let that get me down. Sure, it's not easy. It's hard, really it is. Probably is the hardest thing anyone can do ; learning to depend on only yourself and not minding what others say/don't say or do/don't do.
Honestly, it's REALLY hard, especially when you don't trust yourself, AT ALL.
I know that if I'm in the situation that I am in right now, it's my fault. Only mine, nothing else. I screwed up, I gave in, I went back to some old habits of mine. I took something at a party and someone with a big mouth saw me and went to tell a friend. That friend was mad at me, and obviously, wasn't really subtle in her way of telling me how she couldn' believe I had just ruined 9 weeks of being clean with drugs.
SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.
I couldn't think straight, tried to rebutle something that made sense but couldn't manage. It was messing with my head, A LOT. Anyway, as always, the word spread and pretty soon all my friends (and other random people) knew that I wasn't clean anymore. Only a few people would still talk to me. You want me to define "a few" ? Hum, let's see...my grand-mother, my best girlfriend and her boyfriend...that's all. What about the rest of my friends ? My father ? Brother ? All refusing to listen to me, too stubborn. Blaming me for my mistake and letting me take care of myself. They didn't care, they wouldn't listen to what I'd say.
Pretty harsh, nay ? Uh-huh, exactly why I was SOOOOOO depressed for the last week or so. That, and another thing that triggered me to act stupid, but that, I won't talk about...I can't bring myself to do so.
Anyway, I still am having trouble with my friends at school, I still hang out with only 1 friend cause the others are still pissed and acting stupid but whatever, I don't care much right now. On the bright side, people from work have no clue that I went back to drugs,so that's good. At least one place where they don't see me differently.
I've schedule an appointement with my therapist and will be seeing her on monday after school. My best friend asked me to do so, it would make her feel safer if I'd talk to someone else. Why not right ?
Okay, so there it is, the cat is out of the bag ; I broke my drug free 9 week period because of one very stupid decision of mine. It was a stupid thing to do, I know that, but things were going downhill, the phonecall hit me hard and I failed to stay strong.
Whatever, I am now starting to count my clean days again. 11 days. Not as good as 9 weeks but...yeah
Woah, huge rant.
Didn't want to come clean on my slip but eh, might as well. It's not here that people will judge me the most, hopefully.
Much love,
- Megan
Things haven't changed much since then, but I am, however, coping in a very different way then 2 weeks ago. Even though I don't get along with most of the people in my life right now, I have learned to move on, alone, and not let that get me down. Sure, it's not easy. It's hard, really it is. Probably is the hardest thing anyone can do ; learning to depend on only yourself and not minding what others say/don't say or do/don't do.
Honestly, it's REALLY hard, especially when you don't trust yourself, AT ALL.
I know that if I'm in the situation that I am in right now, it's my fault. Only mine, nothing else. I screwed up, I gave in, I went back to some old habits of mine. I took something at a party and someone with a big mouth saw me and went to tell a friend. That friend was mad at me, and obviously, wasn't really subtle in her way of telling me how she couldn' believe I had just ruined 9 weeks of being clean with drugs.
SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.
I couldn't think straight, tried to rebutle something that made sense but couldn't manage. It was messing with my head, A LOT. Anyway, as always, the word spread and pretty soon all my friends (and other random people) knew that I wasn't clean anymore. Only a few people would still talk to me. You want me to define "a few" ? Hum, let's see...my grand-mother, my best girlfriend and her boyfriend...that's all. What about the rest of my friends ? My father ? Brother ? All refusing to listen to me, too stubborn. Blaming me for my mistake and letting me take care of myself. They didn't care, they wouldn't listen to what I'd say.
Pretty harsh, nay ? Uh-huh, exactly why I was SOOOOOO depressed for the last week or so. That, and another thing that triggered me to act stupid, but that, I won't talk about...I can't bring myself to do so.
Anyway, I still am having trouble with my friends at school, I still hang out with only 1 friend cause the others are still pissed and acting stupid but whatever, I don't care much right now. On the bright side, people from work have no clue that I went back to drugs,so that's good. At least one place where they don't see me differently.
I've schedule an appointement with my therapist and will be seeing her on monday after school. My best friend asked me to do so, it would make her feel safer if I'd talk to someone else. Why not right ?
Okay, so there it is, the cat is out of the bag ; I broke my drug free 9 week period because of one very stupid decision of mine. It was a stupid thing to do, I know that, but things were going downhill, the phonecall hit me hard and I failed to stay strong.
Whatever, I am now starting to count my clean days again. 11 days. Not as good as 9 weeks but...yeah
Woah, huge rant.
Didn't want to come clean on my slip but eh, might as well. It's not here that people will judge me the most, hopefully.
Much love,
- Megan
Total Comments 3
Comments
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Baby, I love you. <3
I know you slipped, but it's okay... You realized what you did, and you know you need help. The other good thing is that you're recounting again, so that proves that you're serious about it.
Don't let anyone get you down, seriously, ever. No one deserves you. You're way too good of a person to let stupid haters get you down. You are amazing, remember that, always. <3
I'm sorry that you've been having such a rough time lately, but I'm sure things will improve before you know it. Just gotta hang in there, and ride things out. (:
I'm always here for you whenever you need it. Just a PM away.
Posted November 21st 2009 at 09:03 PM by Hollifire
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Seriously, I love you, a lot Holly.
It means a whole lot.
ILY <333Posted November 22nd 2009 at 02:10 AM by omg.megan
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Anytime, bestie. (:Posted November 23rd 2009 at 07:32 PM by Hollifire
