Still at a loss for words... (Triggering)

I don't even know. Ever since a few days before school started I've been feeling depressed, or maybe anxious, or a bit of both again. I don't really want to do work or accept the new changes and personally I find everything kind of hellish right now. The classes, some of the people, everything. I sat there in class yesterday and randomly felt like crying and there have been times where I have felt that pressure in my chest, that sad-scared feeling in my heart.

I'm tired, but I'm never used to the school sleep schedule anyway. I bring my pencil sharpener blade to school every day and feel for it to be sure it's still there. I haven't used it but I can feel a relapse coming and maybe I don't care as long as it is in a concealed place. Really, I just want to cut and cut, bleed and bleed some more, but I don't want my parents to flip.

My reason to live, my unborn niece. If anything was to happen to her I'd probably feel like I have no reason to live.

Today I randomly had an outbust in the store where I ended up yelling at my mom. People stared and my mom said I was acting like an animal. My punishment if it continued was to be not allowed to go to the mall. And really, I didn't care. It just gave me another reason to isolate myself.

My computer was broken and if I could I'd just sleep all day and ever talk to people again. I just don't want to be bothered anymore and wish I could stay curled up in my room all day away from people and triggers and the world. Maybe that would be a lot better.

Suicidal? I really don't know. Still no courage to take those pills but would I be upset if something happened? I don't know anymore.

And lately I've been thinking about relationships a bit more. I mean if one doesn't happen any time soon I really don't care but part of me would like to have a relationship. I'm still confused on my sexuality but I keep imagining myself kissing this one girl. She is bisexual but has a boyfriend and I don't want to get in the middle of that. I don't even know if I like her as more as a friend.

But I don't know anything anymore.

Maybe I just don't want to be here anymore.