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Telling wasn't worth it. (Triggering)

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Posted March 6th 2013 at 01:46 AM by Ennui.
Updated May 24th 2013 at 04:31 AM by Ennui.

I told my mom today about the suicidal thoughts and the self harm. She thinks it's all because of the fact that I'm unsure if I want to be a doctor or not and that it's okay if I don't want to be a doctor, and hell, I can be a garbageman if that's what I want. But I don't know what I want. She brushed off the fact that I told her in the letter that I don't want to live past eighteen as just thoughts. Didn't really take it seriously. But at least now I can tell J that.

She saw a cut on my wrist tonight and asked what the cut was from and that this better not happen again. It was from two days ago. Ish.

Sure, it won't happen again. Where you can see it anyway. I have two perfectly good hips. My hands have been getting lots of paper cuts and my hands are so dry they crack anyway. Maybe I can add a few there. One here, one there, nobody will ever notice. But since she knows I just want to do it more.

I feel worse now that I told. It was just easier to hide everything and I regret it all. I feel like it won't get better and nothing will change.
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Total Comments 3


  1. Old Comment
    Thereishope's Avatar
    I can't believe that she thought/said that..wow. On the bright side though, what you thought would most likey happen...didn't. I really hope taking to Jamie helps and that you can get the help you so rightly deserve. What that is/how that is..not sure but hopefully in a way this is a step in the right direction nonetheless. If you ever feel like cutting or anything else you know I'm always here, sure I may not always have the best things to say but I'm always willing to try to help you through it. Stay strong Dezi! :hug:
    Posted March 6th 2013 at 01:54 AM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Chuuya's Avatar
    Oh Dez I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I think it was. You won't have all of these what-ifs on your back and you got it over with, and dit does take a lot to talk abou tha kind of stuff. <3 I'm here if you need to talk.
    Posted March 6th 2013 at 03:21 AM by Chuuya Chuuya is offline
  3. Old Comment
    i_like_black's Avatar
    Sometimes even when you get the right reaction, you feel horrible that you told.
    For example, you know how I told Leisa about some stuff? Well, right now, I feel like I'm a horrible attention-seeking person who should just learn to keep her mouth shut and deal with it. Relatable?

    Parents . . . a lot of the time they don't understand. If they've never been where you are, then they are unlikely to have any concept of how hard any of this is for you. The fact that you were able to be honest in the first place is a huge thing FOR YOU.

    And SH is a tough battle. Perhaps someone needs to talk to your Mum about what it's like for you.
    But talk to Jamie. And congratulations on being honest, you're awesome. <3
    Posted March 6th 2013 at 09:25 AM by i_like_black i_like_black is offline
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