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Dunno how I feel. (TRIGGERING)

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Posted April 19th 2013 at 06:40 AM by Ennui.
Updated May 24th 2013 at 04:30 AM by Ennui.

It's like.

I don't feel overly bad, not horrible by any means and nothing much has happened except my period came. And now it's gone.
I still can't say I feel horrible, just eh I guess. I have my good moments but yet I'm cutting so much and I don't even know why. There have been at least seven instances this month, and a lot of resisting. I've made my thickest cut I've ever made and long to do it again but can't seem to figure out how. I've bled so much I've just slightly tinted the bathwater orange, although the cut in itself wasn't serious. I've had that weird feeling in my chest when I've done it and sometimes I haven't had that feeling at all. Sometimes I've felt utterly calm but it's just that I long to see, feel, taste the blood and that's such a horrible reason to. Not even having a reason at all, just wanting to see the blood. But I can't say that I care.
I was scared of infection on one or two of them but after the shower they do look better. They still hurt though.
I was going to tell my therapist that my self harm was getting bad again last session but chickened out since apparently we started group last week. I don't know how long it's going to take me to be fully open in group.
But my thighs look so pretty covered in cuts, maybe I don't want to stop. Maybe it'll just become routine.

So while I can't say I'm feeling bad, maybe I'm doing bad?
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Storyteller.'s Avatar
    Dezmaid, I'mma be honest here. I'm worried about you. Words aren't really working for me right now, but just know that I'm thinking about you and I love you and I'm here if you need, 'kay? <3
    permalink
    Posted April 19th 2013 at 01:59 PM by Storyteller. Storyteller. is offline
  2. Old Comment
    I am here for you if you want to talk, okay.
    permalink
    Posted April 19th 2013 at 09:05 PM by
  3. Old Comment
    PrimadonnaQueen's Avatar
    I'm here too
    sweetheart, from the comments above, you can see people really care about you and you have some very thoughtful friends on here
    So chat to any of us, ok?
    x
    permalink
    Posted April 19th 2013 at 11:06 PM by PrimadonnaQueen PrimadonnaQueen is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Thereishope's Avatar
    Just like the others have said, I do care about you as well. I'm always willing to talk about anything, anytime. I may not always know what to say but I do care about you Dez and worried. Stay strong, you can beat this...you got dis!
    permalink
    Posted April 21st 2013 at 03:34 AM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline
 
 
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