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If I was dead I wouldn't have to worry about any of this anymore. (Triggering)

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Posted October 6th 2013 at 11:57 PM by Ennui.

Too bad I don't have the guts to actually kill myself.

If someone could tell me, though, why the past week or more have been a struggle and fix it for me, I'd appreciate it.

I'm back at a time where I tell myself I'm tired of being a failure, tired of feeling worthless, tired of trying. I'm back at a time where I tell myself that I still have some time to kill myself before my niece will remember me. She's only 9 months old. I'll say if I kill myself at a time when she's 2 or under, my name will barely be a memory for her. They can make up some story about how I died or just hide all of the pictures of me around the room and my sister can say about how she was an only child, and how she had always wanted a little sister. I'll probably corrupt my niece anyway.

But I don't have the guts.

Everything has been making me cry lately and it sucks so bad.

I told my niece "no" today and when she starts crying, I start crying.

Lost my pencil case. In it, a TI-84 calculator I need for the SAT in November as well as my homework. Those bastards are expensive. Also in it, a flash drive I need for shop, that had all my files in it needed to create a portfolio that is required for graduation. I'll have to struggle to start from scratch. The other flash drive contained all my homework from sophomore year on, as well as both of my college essays. If I don't find this pencil case, I'm screwed. And of course I'm crying over it.

Grades "suck." Because Bs and a C and some As totally suck. Crying over that.

Crying because I may not be able to tour this freaking college.

Tired of making the effort. Tired of it all. Tired of wanting to do schoolwork tired of trying so hard to get into college when I bet I'll have an even harder time handling the work and my emotions there. Tired of hoping that once I graduate and get a job everything will be all right because I know it won't be all right and will just always get worse. I feel as if I'm close to hitting rock bottom and there is nothing around for me to use to drag myself up. Can't do this for much longer. Tired of making any effort. Would rather just lay in bed and sleep for ages. Tired of people and commitments and texting people back and making plans and doing things and being someone. I wish I was a nobody. Tired of fucking up. Tired of even trying to be self harm free. I'm too dependent on others as well. Can't cook, can't wash clothes, barely can do anything for myself though, really.

That self harm tool I stole from the art room works great. Haven't bothered resisting the urge much. Thighs are covered in healing injuries, some old, some new. Today's batch stung more than they normally do but I still enjoyed it, enjoyed watching the water tint.

I hope someone catches me.

Better yet, I hope I get hit by a bus.
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  1. Old Comment
    Thereishope's Avatar
    Dezie *runs to you and huggles you forever* Let me start off with I'm glad to hear that you don't have the guts to do it. There's no reason for you. Everything you've been through, are going through and will go through later in life is no reason at all to kill yourself. I know life is hard, I have my struggles with life, you have yours, others have theirs. With that said:

    Lets look at this hypothetically, lets say you do end up doing it. Who's to say that your niece would never find out about you? I'm sure at some point somehow something will come up about you and she'll want to know more. I've seen stuff like this happen before. That would end up hurting her.

    As for things making you cry often now, it seems to me you have a lot of pent up stress, etc and these little things are causing it to be released. I personally don't find it stupid, etc that you've broken down over this stuff. Take your niece for example, I know how much you love her and I can understand how making her upset would make you upset. Which is ok to feel. Just like it's ok to feel upset about your grades and other things. Speaking of grades, A's, B's and C's do not suck. Those are actually pretty damn good grades for the work load you have to do on a daily basis along with dealing with life in general. You're doing the best you can and that's what counts. I agree yes you might struggle with the rest of this year and college. From what I've heard college is not easy and it's "not for everyone" As I've mentioned before, I know and understand you have goals and dreams you want to achieve, but even if you fall short of them you're not a failure. Whatever you end up doing in life I know you'll be great at, whether that's whatever you're trying to achieve right now or whatever you end up settling for.

    As for your moods and such, maybe it's time you focus more on those now and start getting them figured out and under control. I think that if you can get all of that taken care of than most of the other stuff will calm down or be a distant memory.

    As far as hitting rock bottom, well to quote what i've heard, once you hit rock bottom the only direction to go is up. You know where I am if you need anything, anytime. If you need a hand I'm here. Also, as I've mentioned many times before, I really think that you should open up to your therapist and look into getting some more help with what's going on.

    As for self harming, you can beat this, look at how far you went before. You did so well and I know you can beat this and put it behind you. Don't let it control/consume you, I know the temptation is hard, been down that road before, but you have control over it and you can beat this.

    Just know I really care about you Dez, like a sister and I'm always here for you. Stay strong and safe and message me anytime you need anything no matter how "little" it seems to be. :hug:

    PS: If I forgot to cover any of this let me know please and I'll go over it with you.
    Posted October 7th 2013 at 12:29 AM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Lumos.'s Avatar
    Oh hun, i'm so sorry you're having such a rough time right now. I know its hard to keep going but i know you are really strong, and will make it through this. I'm glad you don't have the guts to do it, I don't know what i'd do with out you. I'm not just saying that, because you really have helped me so much.

    Crying isn't a bad thing, it just shows you're going through a rough patch and you need to get out your emotions. I know crying over everything feels like a huge pain but it can be helpful just to get everything out. Grade are always stressful for me, I cry about them sometimes. A's B's and a C is really good in my mind. but everyone has their own standards of what they want their grades to be. Just know that they aren't as bad as you think.

    I know you can get past this, you really can. Sure, it might take some time and hard work but i know one day you'll be able to say "i worked at it, and i made it through that. It was really hard, but i'm glad i am still here"

    Just so you know I am here anytime you need. I care about you and think you pretty awesome and amazing. Stay strong love.
    Posted October 7th 2013 at 01:53 AM by Lumos. Lumos. is offline
  3. Old Comment
    i_like_black's Avatar

    Darling, you're so much more than what you see. I know that your thoughts are being skewed by how you're feeling and that's really okay - please talk to somebody though. Don't let it keep telling you things that aren't true. Because right now, that's what it's doing.

    The truth is this:
    Your pencil case is lost and it contains a lot of valuable information and expensive items that will be difficult to replace if not found. You are allowed to cry about this, you are allowed to stress about it, you are allowed to be distressed.

    Applications for college are stressful. But college itself is a lot less stressful than high-school. You know in the deep part of you, that you ARE going to get into college. Fear is okay. Anxiety is okay. IT'S OKAY TO CRY. You're going through a rough patch and there is NOTHING, NOT A SINGLE THING, wrong with crying.

    You're not a failure. Never. You have incredibly HIGH standards for yourself that are difficult to meet. That does NOT make you a failure. You hear me? DEZ, YOU ARE A SUCCESS. You are a living, breathing, wonderful, kind young woman and you are a success!

    It's okay to be tired, it's okay to feel drained, it's okay to be having a rough time courtesy of the stuff in your head. It's not okay to kill yourself. It's never okay. I know it seems like the best option, but it's not. I know you can tell yourself that your niece won't remember you, but she will. If you died, your death would cast a shadow upon your family that would never lift.

    And anyway. Death doesn't just stop things from getting worse. It stops them from getting better too.

    I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but hey look, it's not all bad, okay? One day this experience will benefit you. Now, even, as it makes you so much more compassionate than most people.

    Hold on, dear. Or swim away with someone's girlfriend. Either or. <3
    Posted October 7th 2013 at 04:45 AM by i_like_black i_like_black is offline
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