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I can't think of a title. (Triggering?)

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Posted December 15th 2013 at 05:37 AM by Ennui.

Everything is triggering me right now which absolutely sucks. Art class made me want to cut myself so bad yesterday, which art hadn't done that to me in a long time. I wanted to cry and just stopped working for a while until my teacher walked up to me and asked me if I was confused and helped me. I'm so stupid. Can't even do simple art projects right let alone harder ones (and this one wasn't even hard).

My friend got into Wesleyan University. I probably should be happy for her but inside I'm just feeling so stupid and jealous. To think I was proud of getting into University of Saint Joseph. There she is getting into Wesleyan. Granted, I didn't apply, but one, I couldn't afford to go there, and two, sure my grades are good but my SAT scores were pretty shit. I had no chance. My dream used to be Yale but I realized that wouldn't work out quick.

College was exciting for a while but now I'm just getting so overwhelmed at the thought of all I have to do. There are so many life skills I need to learn before going on campus. Living on campus is both scary and exciting. I have so many things I need to get for supplies, some are expensive. I have no savings. I have to get a job and that's scary, I almost had a job once but got so anxious I didn't even let him review my application because I thought I'd do so bad, and I know I'll probably be that scared again when I apply somewhere. I'm scared I'll fail school and do so bad and never achieve my dream. If I get accepted into both colleges I applied for I will have to make a decision as to where I want to go and making decisions is so hard for me.

So many things I want to do when I am out on my own but I know that I never will do any of them, more than likely.

I'm scared for what the holidays will be like. On Christmas Eve last year I seriously felt like killing myself or cutting myself up. I'm scared that will happen again.

Triggered right now. So far I have been able to manage the urges well enough but they're not going away and I really just want to give in and cut my thighs up and see the blood and feel the relief.

Doctor's appointment, probably in like February or a bit later. She's gonna see my scars and tell my mom. Shit.

Just can't do this.
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  1. Old Comment
    Thereishope's Avatar
    Hey there Dezi!

    I'm sorry you were so triggered yesterday. I hope today is a lot better for you. I never went to college but I do know how it feels to know you're going to be living on your own. Yes it was scary and I had many days where I'd call home because I was home sick, even though at the same time I was glad to be out from under my parents roof. It will take time but you'll get through it. Just take things 1 step at a time, even if they're little baby steps. Before you know it you'll be so comfortable and relaxed that you'll be wondering why you were even worried to begin with. Remember you can always talk to me about what's going on, how you're feeling etc. Even if it's simply letting me know you just blogged and want me to read it. I'm always here for you and always will. You can get through all of this. I know you're strong enough, you got dis, k? :D :hug:
    Posted December 15th 2013 at 09:19 AM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Philomath's Avatar
    Hey Dez,

    I know that choosing to go to college is hard and I had a lot of similar worries to you when I decided to go to college. You have to take each step at a time and believe you are doing well because you are. It is hard to change negative thoughts but Dez, you are a wonderful person and I know that you do really well. Perfection is unattainable but trying your best is. Remember that, you do not have to be perfect in any way, no one is and that is perfectly fine. If colleges were expecting perfect people, they would not have the supports they do because well, no one would need them, right? If they were expecting perfect people, everyone would need a perfect SAT/ACT score and even one point below a perfect score would get people out of school. My point in all of this is that you need to be you, in the end, the numbers are not what matters, what matters is you doing what you want, attaining the goals you want and realizing that stress can be good or bad, you have the choice to think of it as being a part of life or worrying about it constantly. (especially if related to grades and such similar things, you will eventually look back and wonder why the heck you ever worried so much or got so upset over these things). You are not your stress and you have control not it, you can choose to say you will set goals for yourself and you do not have to be perfect and the more you practice believing you do not have to be perfect and accept that perfection is something everyone wants but can't attain, the less stuck you may feel.
    I hope you still plan to stay on campus because the help you can get there will be great and you will not have the same limitations to getting help as you do now.
    Hopefully this is useful in some way.
    I'm here for you Dez, really and you can message me here or on FB at any time.
    Posted January 4th 2014 at 02:32 AM by Philomath Philomath is offline
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