Log in (
...
I hate this. (Trig)
Posted April 16th 2015 at 02:48 AM by ¯|_(ツ)_|¯
I've been just feeling like shit lately. I've been stressed or overwhelmed, or I've been anxious or depressed, or even both. I've had urges to self harm which I was able to avoid doing until last night. I am losing my motivation and I just need things to be over. I just need to sleep and do nothing else but I still have so much to do until the semester ends.
I don't know what is triggering this, and honestly nothing is going wrong, I just feel like shit so I guess my meds aren't working. I'm so tired of this.
I was stupid and opened my mouth last night. I was in my club meeting and we were talking about if we were going to the student center to eat dinner like we normally do. I was stupid and opened my mouth and said yes, please dinner because I don't feel safe to go back to my dorm right now.
I was having SH urges, not anything suicidal. I haven't had suicidal thoughts that I would be worried about acting upon since maybe the first month of college.
Someone reported it. When I got back to my dorm after dinner they called me into the back office and talked to me and used the word "Safe" like fifty times. Of course I lied and said yep I'm good, everything is good.
I was calmed down. Dinner had calmed me down but then them calling me into the back room like that made me worked up again. I felt blind sided. I felt hurt. I felt angry. Honestly I still do. I was doing what I needed to do to calm down by going to dinner instead of going to my dorm, but I got punished anyway.
So of course that made me want to cut. Two on my arm, one on my leg, one on bottom of foot. Whatever. I couldn't help but do it because in a way I just wanted to get fucking back at them, whether they knew about it or not. I wanted to get back at them and if they saw it they'd know what they caused me to do. And I know that is a bad way of thinking. And I feel kind of attention seeking.
I saw both people that I thought could be potentially the one to report it today. I felt anxious about it at first but just moved on like nothing happened. Nope, nothing's wrong at all, you didn't blindside and hurt me at all. I shouldn't be mad though. I have absolutely no right to be mad. I know why they did it and I understand why they did it but yet I am upset because I was blindsided. I couldn't mentally prepare. I just walked into my dorm and felt like I was about to get interrogated.
Whatever. Whatever.
The girl who talked to me called me again today to see if I was safe. I said yep, I'm fine. But nope, I'm not. I have good moments when doing things I like but then it fades as soon as I stop. She asked if I'd called my APRN back to talk about my meds but I hadn't yet. I should tomorrow.
But I don't WANT to. I kind of just want to be done to be honest. And I don't know what sense I mean that in. I want to stop going to therapy and I want to stop taking meds and I want to just stop. I can't be assed anymore. I can't be bothered. I just want to be left to my own devices.
There are other people who deserve care and attention more than I do. I'm just whiny for no reason.
I'm so worried about this girl, for instance. She is MtF, and we were in our support group meeting today and she mentioned suicidal thoughts and she had a possible plan in place and means to do it, things like that. So the meeting was focused on calming her down a bit and the leader DID have to report it because she's a mandatory reporter and the girl left the room because she didn't want it to be reported. I'm worried about her. She deserves worry and attention more than I do.
I'm just tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't necessarily mean suicide, I just don't want to be.
I don't know what is triggering this, and honestly nothing is going wrong, I just feel like shit so I guess my meds aren't working. I'm so tired of this.
I was stupid and opened my mouth last night. I was in my club meeting and we were talking about if we were going to the student center to eat dinner like we normally do. I was stupid and opened my mouth and said yes, please dinner because I don't feel safe to go back to my dorm right now.
I was having SH urges, not anything suicidal. I haven't had suicidal thoughts that I would be worried about acting upon since maybe the first month of college.
Someone reported it. When I got back to my dorm after dinner they called me into the back office and talked to me and used the word "Safe" like fifty times. Of course I lied and said yep I'm good, everything is good.
I was calmed down. Dinner had calmed me down but then them calling me into the back room like that made me worked up again. I felt blind sided. I felt hurt. I felt angry. Honestly I still do. I was doing what I needed to do to calm down by going to dinner instead of going to my dorm, but I got punished anyway.
So of course that made me want to cut. Two on my arm, one on my leg, one on bottom of foot. Whatever. I couldn't help but do it because in a way I just wanted to get fucking back at them, whether they knew about it or not. I wanted to get back at them and if they saw it they'd know what they caused me to do. And I know that is a bad way of thinking. And I feel kind of attention seeking.
I saw both people that I thought could be potentially the one to report it today. I felt anxious about it at first but just moved on like nothing happened. Nope, nothing's wrong at all, you didn't blindside and hurt me at all. I shouldn't be mad though. I have absolutely no right to be mad. I know why they did it and I understand why they did it but yet I am upset because I was blindsided. I couldn't mentally prepare. I just walked into my dorm and felt like I was about to get interrogated.
Whatever. Whatever.
The girl who talked to me called me again today to see if I was safe. I said yep, I'm fine. But nope, I'm not. I have good moments when doing things I like but then it fades as soon as I stop. She asked if I'd called my APRN back to talk about my meds but I hadn't yet. I should tomorrow.
But I don't WANT to. I kind of just want to be done to be honest. And I don't know what sense I mean that in. I want to stop going to therapy and I want to stop taking meds and I want to just stop. I can't be assed anymore. I can't be bothered. I just want to be left to my own devices.
There are other people who deserve care and attention more than I do. I'm just whiny for no reason.
I'm so worried about this girl, for instance. She is MtF, and we were in our support group meeting today and she mentioned suicidal thoughts and she had a possible plan in place and means to do it, things like that. So the meeting was focused on calming her down a bit and the leader DID have to report it because she's a mandatory reporter and the girl left the room because she didn't want it to be reported. I'm worried about her. She deserves worry and attention more than I do.
I'm just tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't necessarily mean suicide, I just don't want to be.
Total Comments 4
Comments
-
You do deserve attention and support. I can understand why you might be upset by someone reporting that but I am sure they only did it because they were worried about you.
Have you ever thought of opening up to the people that are calling and checking on you and letting them know that you don't feel safe? I know that might be scary to do but it might prove beneficial.
I know what you mean when you just want to be done. I know that doesn't necessarily imply suicide it's just the process of going to therapy and seeking treatment that can be tiring but you deserve to get that help. Please keep pushing forward. Maybe tell your therapist and APRN about your feelings in regards to wanting to stop. They can help talk you through it and help you work on getting to a better place.
Don't ever think your problems aren't worth concern. No matter what you are dealing with, if it is bothering you, then it is important.
I am here if you need anything.Posted April 16th 2015 at 04:18 AM by
-
I would feel the same way if I were in this situation honestly but I can see why the person reported it. When someone says they do not feel safe that could imply a number of things and the person probably just wanted to help how they thought best.
I know it is scary to open up to people on campus but getting support from residence life staff or other staff on your campus is nothing to be ashamed of. They will not have to communicate to your parents unless you are suicidal and have a plan etc. (as did the other girl you mentioned).
Most likely you are not the first student on campus to struggle with thoughts or giving into SH and you will not be the last. They may just want to know how much you are struggling and give you suggestions to help such as taking your blades Etc. This may all seem scary (I know when my friend offered to take my blades it was scary to me) but in all honesty, it is great to have people that care so much.
They all want the best for you.
I hope you have gotten an appointment from your APRN by now. If not, let her know everything about how you are thinking and feeling. If you leave out details her ability to help you will bbe lessened.
It is completely your choice to smoke weed or not to smoke weed but keep in mind it can affect your anxiety and depression.
Lastly, remember you do not have to be suicidal to receive help, you are deserving of help whether you are suicidal or not.Posted April 16th 2015 at 04:09 PM by Philomath 
-
I would be angry too. The person reported should have at least spoken to you to understand where you're really at in terms of safety. However I can see why she did it as a just in case sort of thing. Hope things are settling down now.Posted April 16th 2015 at 05:03 PM by Not_here
-
This is literally a post about my life right now. I feel you entirely. I'm so done too; not suicidal just done with this entire process. I wish I had love to send your way but all I have is exhaustion.Posted April 21st 2015 at 03:44 PM by bailatyvm
