Today was nice. Went out with my family. Not E, though, thank goodness. She does my head in.

Tomorrow looks like it's gonna be pretty shit though. Was gonna spend the day with J, but now his mum, brother and brother's friend are gonna be tagging along. Which means I'll have to eat in front of them. Which is not going to be fun. And they're gonna be in the cinema with us. Looks like it's not going to be the day of just us that we planned.

Who gives a shit, though. Who...

Back on track to lose weight.

Having that goal makes me feel happy.

Won't get to see a counsellor for ages, perhaps not even ever again.

There's nothing wrong with me. I feel empty, not depressed. I'm angry, not sad. I cut and I don't even feel really depressed. I just feel empty.

I wrote the piece. I came up with the whole concept and wrote the entire piece. Then you drew it to the specifications, and didn't even get it right. And yet when you post both the written piece and the picture together, the comments are pretty much on the drawing, with a few after thought comments about the writing. 'Cool concept.' Um. It's a bit more than just a concept. It's a piece of creative writing that I spent time on. Screw you with your fancy computer art work and your video editing skills....

I don't know how I feel at the moment.

I've been ill.

So I feel ill.

Nothing else. Not really.

I want to go to the doctors and get their opinion. I want to know if there's something wrong with me.
If there isn't. Well, then I don't know what the hell I can do. Perhaps that would be reassuring because then I'd know I'd just grow out of it. Otherwise I'll have to keep struggling on on my own.
If there is, which there won't be, then perhaps I can get some help.
I feel really ill right now. I'm going to bed.

I've lost weight. But I've lost it quicker than my dad saif it was possible. But I don't care. I feel lighter.

I'm still over weight, but I'm getting there. I am. I will be happier.

I talked to Pete today.

We just chatted.

Didn't help I was in a good mood. He probably wonders why I went to him in the first place.

My mood is dropping, but I think that's because I'm hungry. I've not eaten much today.

I want my tea, but I'm scared. Scared because I'll be fine if I eat a little, but if I eat loads, which I might because my dad's cooking my favourite meal, then I'll put weight on.

I'm staying away from advice here right now. I'll still blog, I guess.

It's just so triggering. It makes me want to cut and starve and kill myself.

But I like to help people, so I come on anyway.

I've been happier lately, but it's weird. Thinspo is keeping me happy. Eating barely anything is keeping me happy. I'm desperately trying to lose weight so I'm happier.

But what if I fail? What if I gain?

First session with Pete...

I hate the debate forums on here. All of my arguments get slashed to peices. Is there something wrong with my way of thinking? Why am I the only person who has my point of view?

I binged this morning.
I'm so stupid.
No more snacks today. Half my lunch, which hopefully will just be soup anyway, and then maybe see if I can get away with three quarters of whatever my mum serves for dinner, no second helpings and no pudding.
Sounds doable.
Ugh. I hate my body.