Prom tonight. As if I wasn't already nervous enough, J is being a dick.

Fashionably late.

I don't want to be late.

I want to know what time he's coming to get me.

I hate feeling this anxious. I'm scared. I was already scared.

He's been dating me for over a year. Surely he knows what I'm like? It's not even a big thing, either. I just want to get there on time and I want to know when he'll be picking me up.

Today was a lot better than yesterday. Except that I've eaten too much.

It makes me angry, just how little self control I have.

I wish I could just stop eating.

I feel so bloated and fat right now and I hate it.

Prom tomorrow. I'm trying to act cheerful but I'm terrified. I don't want to dress up in front of people. I want to stay at home in bed.

I might not eat tomorrow. I'll be the thin girl who has so much self control...

I don't know what to think right now.

I don't know how to act.

I don't know what to do.

I'm considering dropping a load of the things I've said I'd do, loads of the writing. And then sitting down and completing the other stuff, so that it's done.

But that takes so much effort.

I just want to sleep.

Baby sitting is cancelled. So I'm going to my sister's singing thing and I don't earn any money.

The cuts are healing, perhaps in time for prom on Tuesday, although I doubt it. Well, they're healed enough to cover them with concealer now.

I've got a new pair of shoes. First pair of shoes I can honestly say I've fallen in love with.

I've done nothing today. Well, I've answered some threads on here, welcomed a couple of people, posted some VMs. But no real...

Ugh, I just feel fat.

I wish I didn't have them all watching over me.

Eat this, eat that.

Don't eat this, don't eat that.

Lose more. Be perfect. Hurry up. Too slow.

Too fast. Not possible. Scales wrong.

You're perfect.

You look pregnant.

Change.

Don't change.

I've only been a buddy for half a day, less than that even. But I love it! Seriously, this is something to live for, even if nothing else is good.

I love greeting people, leaving VMs, answering unanswered posts. I did most of this anyway, but now I feel more... entitled to? And I love it. I've even spent some time in Chat.

*Grins*

I've just applied to be a buddy.
I hope I get the position.
I tried really hard on that form.

I don't want to go to the school prom. That might sound like the least of my worries right now, but the cuts on my arm and shoulder will show, which will spoil the night for my boyfriend, and everyone will think I'm just attention seeking.

I wanted to take a load of pills. Overdose on something. I don't know why. Just so something can happen, I guess. Instead of constantly feeling like I'm suspended between emotions. Then if I die, no more feeling trapped. And if I live, then someone...

I cut the other night. Sitting in the bath, watching the blood run down my arm and mix with the water. It was hypnotising, but the water was red by the time I got out.

He hated that I'd done it. Tried to make me promise I'd never do it again. But I don't know. It would be nice not to have to, but when I get to that stage where my body feels like it's tearing itself apart from the inside, I just don't know what else to do.