I don't know what to do.

I want to purge so badly.

I need this food gone.

I can't believe I ate it.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I can't purge. I've tried and I can't.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do right now. After that argument last night. I was this close to killing myself. And every time he said those words I died a little inside. I don't want him to leave me. I want the certainty we had before. I hope I get that back.

But do I still carry on? Can I do it on my own?

Got on leave.

Finished my English homework.

Feel a little bit more in control.

I'm going to kick this shit. I'm going to fix stuff.

First I'm going to relax.

Then I'm going to start working through the ED recovery book I got from the library.

I'm going to get better BEFORE I get worse.

I'm going to fix all of this.

Because it nearly tore my relationship apart today.

I'm getting that urge to overdose. To just take stuff and not care about the consequences. I wish I had something for sleep. I have cocodamol. I don't think I want to die. But I want all this to stop. How many do I take? I only have two in my room. That's the required dosage, not an overdose. Paracetemol? Why doesn't any one in my family take anything worth overdosing on? I want this to stop. But I don't think I want to die. Not today. I did yesterday. I'm not so sure now. I don't know what to do....

Ugh.

What do I do?

I'm scared.

But I don't want to stop doing this. I want to starve.

I don't know why.

But I want to stop.

It hurts when I try to stop.

But I can't get help until I'm under weight.

Keep going, Hester. Go so far they can't help you any more. Keep going.

I'm in the middle of a binge. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I want to be happy, but when I'm eating normally I'm not happy. I'm happy when I'm binging because I just forget about everything except the food, but I feel insanely guilty afterwards. I feel happy when I'm starving because I feel strong. But I can't keep that up. I always fail. I don't know how to be happy without being at these extremes.

And I've stopped eating right now, and I haven't eaten too much but I...

I definitely think I have an eating disorder.

That's a scary thought. And hard to admit.

I've kept saying 'I'm falling into one'. But at some point you have to hit the bottom.

I think the fact that I can't stop now is scary. Before, I'd go through periods of being fine, or I'd even spend only half the day having disordered thoughts and behaviours.

But the last few days have made me think more about it.

The fact that I had...

I don't want your help. I don't want to write a food diary for you. I don't want to stop counting calories. I don't want to stop losing weight.

But I want to feel happier. And you're the only person willing to help.

Perhaps I should go back to the counselor. Perhaps I should get him on my side as well. Because I know that even if I don't have an eating disorder, I have an unhealthy obsession with food. Perhaps I should keep a mood/food diary and show it to him. Perhaps...