i got an email from my mum. i feel sick. i dont know how to talk to her. i should never have come out in the first place. this is awful.

im such a shitty person. im such a shitty, shitty person.

Some things are nice. Some things are enjoyable. Even though I'm incredibly overwhelmed and bordering on suicidal. I can still watch Star Trek. My partner made me nice food and I was able to eat it. Yeah I felt guilty but I ate it.

But I can't go much longer without my meds. I'm in a constant state of extreme anxiety. I can't sleep properly. I can't do anything. I need to pack up and clean the whole house by Tuesday. I have an interview I'm not prepared for. I sent my mum an email...

I'm too tired and ill to function. I'm off my meds so my mood is rock bottom. I can't see any way through this. I feel suicidal again. It doesn't feel like there's any other way out. I can't do this. I have so much to do just to be able to get by, like contacting my landlords, sorting out a new phone, cleaning the entire house, sorting out a new debit card so I can pay rent. I can't cope because that's too much to do while I'm this ill, but I have an illness that no one fucking believes in so there's...

I'm having lots of trouble sleeping at the moment. It really sucks. I'm sat here watching the regular show, eating chocolate spread and feeling miserable at 4 am because I'm out of meds.

I need to get more meds. I wish they could give me something to help me sleep as well.

I wish I could always sleep, I wish I never had to be awake.

I feel shit.

I had a date with Alex today. They took me out in the wheelchair and we had bubble tea and Chinese take out and watched Rent (which made me cry so much).

It was really nice.

I also went to the doctors to get my prescription, but they fucked up and I still don't have my antidepressants. I feel to anxious to go and make an appointment which is bad because I'm already battling suicidal feelings without them.

I think the doctors hate me. It's because they...

I should be asleep. I find it hard enough to get up in the mornings without having a late night. But I'm still awake. And I feel like shit. I know it's because I ran out of meds so I haven't taken any in a couple of days. Which sucks. If I can last till Tuesday, I should get more then.

I wish Alex was here. I really need cuddles. I guess that's the problem with being poly. It's not my turn tonight.

I feel like self harming, but that's abuse right? Even though it's not...

In an attempt to be positive and fend off these depressive thoughts (Harri, stop forgetting to take your meds), I'm going to make a list of good things.

I've added three meals a day to my habitrpg, and I seem to be accomplishing it, more often than not.

I turned up a day early rather than a day late for my interview. Not an ideal situation, but I do still have a chance at getting the job.

I have nice food coming this afternoon.

I got through...

I'm about 50000% done with this illness. My brain feels so foggy, my head hurts, my arms hurt, my legs hurt, my stomach hurts, my digestion is messed up, I can barely walk, I have no temperature control, a messed up immune system, I'm so so so tired all of the time, I'm hyper sensitive to light and sound and smells and chemicals.

And it's so shitty that people don't even believe it's a real thing. At least my partners do, but I feel like such a burden. I want to help out more round...