everything sucks im really depressed again i can barely function never mind do my degree my chronic illness is kicking my butt my relationships are disintegrating i want to cry and get drunk and cut and die

my meds are messing up my sleep
i can barely stay upright without feeling really ill
i feel so nauseous
everythings in pain
theres no end to this
theres no treatment theres nothing
i hate everything
i hate being ill
i want to be normal
i want to be able to do my degree like a normal person

I have internet, thank god. I hate not having internet.. I have no idea how I would survive after a nuclear war or something, like Fallout. I'm rambling. Oops.

Feeling wobbly and shaky and weird. A little manic today maybe. I don't know. I've spent two days in bed and missed my lecture because after my girlfriend broke up with me I cried too much and it triggered a flare up of symptoms, so that's great. Threw up my meds this morning as well. But I got to my seminar and I even spoke...

My lectures start on Tuesday. I am not ready for this. I really want them to start because I want to learn. I want to study. And I want the distraction of doing things to take my mind off everything else. But I can't get up in the mornings so how am I going to attend them? I have really poor reading comprehension at the moment. I struggle to hold a pen. I don't know how to do this. I hate my disability I hate my illnesses I want to be normal. I want to be able to do uni like a normal person instead...

I'm the chair of my uni's LGBTQ+ society and today I ran our first LGBTea of the year. It went really well, no one looked sad, people were smiling and laughing and chatting, people stayed the whole time (4 hours) rather than go home early, it was good.

One of the members is from Sweden and we got chatting and it's awesome because I'm learning Swedish. We had a full on nerd out over linguistics and then he added me on facebook.

And I feel... happy? At least cheerful....

How to get away with murder is an amazing show and everyone should watch it.

Lectures start next week and I'm really excited.

I managed to do one day of the freshers fair.

I'm going to complete the BEA this year.

I've got my habitrpg up and running again.

I can do this.

I can't sleep. I'm too scared to sleep. It's hard to even describe what I'm afraid of. It's just this ominous feeling of bad things if I sleep. And it comes and goes and I thought I'd beaten it but it's back and I can't sleep and I'm so scared and this is gonna really fuck up the year for me if it continues.

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I don't feel stable. I need to drink. Or cut. Or something. Both. Ugh. I feel so empty.

I'm so glad I have internet again because now I can work on learning languages and doing my other online courses. Then when term starts I can study that. I don't know why but all I want to do at the moment is study. I guess it's a distraction, and it's productive so that's good.