Lately, I can't be happy.I just can't. I can usually always smile, be strong. But this time it truly is different. I can't even put on a fake smile anymore. I lost whatever strength I had. It is gone. Like my heart. It has gone.

It has said to me, "Sorry, Hope, your foolish mind and actions keep hurting. I'm leaving. I can't take the pain anymore. Bye."

Even my heart left me. Isn't that something? There has got to be something wrong with me.
All I can...

Today was just horrible.
Nolan hates me.
Nolan hates me.
Nolan hates me.
Nolan hates me.
I'll never be pretty enough.
Skinny enough.
Nolan hates me.
Nolan hates me.
Nolan hates me.


With everything going on I became overwhelmed. I stopped eating, gor 2 weeks now, with little food, just for people to see..I binge it mostly. I cut deeper into my thighs. Not enough blood, though. So, I cut my stomach. I was so close...

I AM ON THE VERGE OF SUCIDE HELP

Where is the hope that's in my name??
Did it run away? Run away so far, that it didn't even have to hide in order for itself not to be found?

I need to figure this out. Things are changing. I need to find out who I am. Where I am headed. What my goal is. It is hard to feel lost. But I am trying. Trying so hard.

My grades fell at the last minute. I had all As. Now there all Cs. I have a D in math. Because I failed one quiz. Just one. I m such a failure. ...

Yesterday, was such a great day with my Batman.
Haha, I call him Batman, and he calls me catwoman. Haha! After our Drama practice, we sat outside and the sun was at the perfect angle, setting and shining on us. I put my head in his shoulder & we made a heart with our hands. And we kissed, and contiued kissing. (No tongue you dirty minds! )

And then today I'll see him afterschool, just for a few minutes

And and and and thhheenn...

I am SO excited.
Today, Nolan said he would kiss me tomorrow, alone.
I can't wait. It's goung to be special.


He also kissed my hand..a guy has never done that.

So, saw Nolan in Drama today.
We sat in the back seats of our auditorium (stage) place, by ourselves.
He said he knew about me not eating. So, I told him I ate today, but I also said I'd binge it.
He said he knew I wrote goodbye letters to everyone. So, I told him, I used to cut.
He started tearing up. Yepp, I'm positive tears came out of his eyes. It made me sick to my stomach. He hasn't cried since April, he isn't a very emotional man. He explained to me that everyone...

I saw Nolan today.

I tried to commit suicide yesterday. My bestfriend Blake saved me.
So, today Blake demanded I got his house. My other friend Zach, had invited me to go to Generals (food place), and I refused, I told him, and Blake, that if I go there and see Nolan there, I will cry. I will break down.

Blake didn't listen.

I got to Blake's house, and we went Generals. I couldn't go any where else, and I love Blake, so I went.
I saw...

He fucked with my heart.
Nolan.
The kid who is the pastors son.
He dumped my best friend.
Came to me, knew I liked him.
I fell for it
Asked me out .
Then dumped me.
All in one day.
Today.
I never needed my blade so muxh before.
It's incredibly stupid.
But I LIKED him SO MUCH.
He fucked with my heart.
And now I'm using the blade.