Almost did it last night. Then I was like, no, competition today.

Staying alive for one thing, and that one thing isn't even my cat? Pathetic.

I tried pulling a rope around my neck so that it cut off circulation to my head, but not my breathing. Based it on martial arts techniques I read about a while back. Got a mean head rush, but didn't fall unconscious or anything like that. Experimenting with how to organise a hanging that does the same thing. If I can cut off the...

So I went for a walk on the motorway again last night. Whilst I wasn't doing it to harm or kill myself, it got me noticed. I'm not sure if that's what I wanted or not.

The police who picked me up said they'd never seen somebody walking in the middle before. It was new on them. They took me back home, had a conversation with Mum, rang their supervisors, and decided to detain me.

So I spent the night at Manukau Police Station, in a cell, by myself, alternately laying...

I guess I should feel bad for skipping community work today. I don't. I feel bad in general, but not specifically about that. I'll probably get a warning. If they want, they can take me to court on breach and I can be fined or jailed. Know what? Right now, that doesn't bother me. I just needed to get some new clothes, and some pads. Periods ftl. So I did. Now I have trackpants with a ridiculous amount of Xs before the L, so they should both fit, and be comfortable. As well as a new white shirt,...

I feel like I'm suffering from brain overload. I'm not even doing that much.

Mondays, I coach. Tuesdays are now a free day. Wednesdays, I coach. Thursdays, I have community work and supervision appointments. Fridays, I have mental health appointments, and I coach. Weekends, I now have competitions, as competition season is, as of Saturday, in full swing. This weekend I will be coaching on Saturday and judging on Sunday.

I most likely will not find the time or the money...

Took my cat to the vet today. He has an injured toe from attempting to climb a rose bush a couple of weeks ago, and it doesn't seem to be healing properly, so took him to get it looked at. The vet trimmed his claw, cleansed the wound - to the point of washing the scab off - and felt all around it, she said she couldn't feel anything in the wound, but it does feel quite warm, so he's been given a course of antibiotics. Half of a tablet each morning and evening for the next 5 days. Luckily he's a...

[funny from facebook: I have mood poisoning. Must be some of the bullshit I swallowed.]

I love how being in a low phase gives you days of absolutely loathing yourself, and other other days where you simply don't have the motivation to move.

Also, my laptop is making noises, and I can't figure out why, it's purely when I type, either I'm hallucinating (unlikely) or there is a fuck-up circuit between my keyboard and my speaker.

But anyway, back on topic....

I think about suicide. Then I think about how I have responsibilities, and how it's competition season, and how I've seen proof again and again that suicide is contagious.

Then I think about suicide.
Then I think about how I don't want to give my sister the satisfaction. Then I think about how much I hate myself. Then I think about suicide.

I'm fat. So fat, that my BMI apparently is "morbidly obese". I don't look like I'm dying of being overweight,...

So I wasn't feeling great about the idea of team building at Rocket Ropes today, but I went anyway, because at the end of the day, I'm part of the team and need to participate.

The flying fox was AWESOME.

And then I tried to do the highest rope course (without realising that it's probably also the hardest), and discovered very quickly that I didn't have the upper body strength to do it. The result? I fell. And naturally, being lacking in upper body strength, I couldn't...

My shoulders ache from community work. My arms ache from catching kids during trust games. My upper back hurts from community work. My lower back aches from having poor posture so much. My legs ache because they're all tight from standing all day on Thursday. It's ok, though.

I nearly ran out of gym tonight. In all seriousness, I don't think anybody realised what was going on. All the kids were excited and noisy, and I was trying to run conditioning and they kept having conversations,...

I want to post in my blog.
I want to watch all my T.V. shows.

I really want to go the fuck to bed.

Normally I stay up late Thursdays (like until past 2am) and catch up on all my T.V. shows. But it turns out that I did physical work most of the day today, which I haven't done for a while, and I'm fucking exhausted.

Also I had to get up at 7am which was another rude shock to the system.

I DON'T WANT TO GO COLD CALLING ON TUESDAY. I...