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I feel like I'm getting repetitive.
Posted November 16th 2012 at 06:07 AM by i_like_black
Yes, still exhausted.
Showered and brushed my teeth last night though, and need to clean my bedroom over the weekend.
Texted my Dad to find out if he's still taking us to the fireworks display, no answer so I rang his place, no answer so I rang Mum's - my younger brother answers - "Are you in hospital? Or that other place? Or - " and I'm like, "I'm at home, I just want to talk to Mum!". Ffs, he's such an arsehole. Anyway, it turns out, younger brother has a birthday party, younger sister has work, elder brother decided it wasn't worth going with just him, and nobody thinks to tell me any of this. Way to help me feel shittier, guys. Really.
Saw Judy. She agrees that I'm still depressed and that it's been a long time and I'm still very low. She said she'll talk to Jens on Monday re: medication, and she mentioned the possibility of putting me on an anti-depressant for a while, which was good, it meant I didn't have to suggest it. She also said I don't get a choice, I have to go out clothes shopping (for the wedding) with Leisa. I'm freaking out, I don't even know what size I am and I'm scared.
No motivation. Frustrated as a result. Not eating much. Not hungry, also, no reason to make food really. Having trouble sleeping restfully. I sleep, but then I wake up still exhausted. It's not pretty.
I just don't feel like continuing, but at the same time, suicide takes effort, and I don't want to hurt Sam. It messed her up enough finding me after I overdosed, I can't really do that to her again, that would just be unfair. I want to cut, but that takes effort too. Everything just takes too much effort. I wish I could fall asleep, and stay asleep. Or fall asleep, and wake up feeling refreshed. Or fall asleep, and wake up not feeling depressed. Or fall asleep in under an hour.
I'm still in that desperate place. I'm still having suicidal thoughts. I just don't know what to do. I feel . . . hopeless. I don't use that word lightly, either. I just feel like there's no point to anything, and I may as well die, because it's not like I'm doing the world any good.
And I'm still desperate for touch and completely incapable of asking for it.
FML.
Showered and brushed my teeth last night though, and need to clean my bedroom over the weekend.
Texted my Dad to find out if he's still taking us to the fireworks display, no answer so I rang his place, no answer so I rang Mum's - my younger brother answers - "Are you in hospital? Or that other place? Or - " and I'm like, "I'm at home, I just want to talk to Mum!". Ffs, he's such an arsehole. Anyway, it turns out, younger brother has a birthday party, younger sister has work, elder brother decided it wasn't worth going with just him, and nobody thinks to tell me any of this. Way to help me feel shittier, guys. Really.
Saw Judy. She agrees that I'm still depressed and that it's been a long time and I'm still very low. She said she'll talk to Jens on Monday re: medication, and she mentioned the possibility of putting me on an anti-depressant for a while, which was good, it meant I didn't have to suggest it. She also said I don't get a choice, I have to go out clothes shopping (for the wedding) with Leisa. I'm freaking out, I don't even know what size I am and I'm scared.
No motivation. Frustrated as a result. Not eating much. Not hungry, also, no reason to make food really. Having trouble sleeping restfully. I sleep, but then I wake up still exhausted. It's not pretty.
I just don't feel like continuing, but at the same time, suicide takes effort, and I don't want to hurt Sam. It messed her up enough finding me after I overdosed, I can't really do that to her again, that would just be unfair. I want to cut, but that takes effort too. Everything just takes too much effort. I wish I could fall asleep, and stay asleep. Or fall asleep, and wake up feeling refreshed. Or fall asleep, and wake up not feeling depressed. Or fall asleep in under an hour.
I'm still in that desperate place. I'm still having suicidal thoughts. I just don't know what to do. I feel . . . hopeless. I don't use that word lightly, either. I just feel like there's no point to anything, and I may as well die, because it's not like I'm doing the world any good.
And I'm still desperate for touch and completely incapable of asking for it.
FML.
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Comments
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Hang in there, lovely, you can do this. <3Posted November 16th 2012 at 12:27 PM by Palmolive
