Yesterday I ended having a slightly better day. I did do my dishes, and have a shower, and then I finally tried to contribute to an article - although right now I feel really anxious about that. The waves of stuff were less yesterday. I didn't go to bed until 3:00 AM. I woke up at 6:30 AM. I dozed lightly (mostly awake) until I got up just after 10:00 AM. I gave myself points for acting opposite, and extra points for it sort of working.

I feel like I'm paying for having a good day...

It's Friday. The last time I showered was on Monday, after I went for a swim. I know I need a shower, my hair is all gross and greasy and to be honest, so is the rest of me. But I just . . . cannot be bothered showering. It's not that I don't like showering (I do), it's just that it seems like too much effort. And it's not that I think it wouldn't help me to feel a little bit better (it would), it's just that I don't seem to be able to will myself into the bathroom for anything that is not . . ....

I did see Debbie today, after art group.

On a note completely unrelated to our therapy stuff, there's a cup that's been in the room we usually use for a couple of months. I suggested we use the cup to grow a flower or something, and see how long it takes for somebody else to notice. Debbie said she thought that was a cool idea, so on Monday we're going to plant something in the cup. Obviously we have to bring in potting mix and seeds, but still.

I'm still so low. Debbie...

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I feel so good and so bad. I wake up in the morning and I am overwhelmed at the mere thought of leaving my bed. But I have things to do in the morning. So I get up. And it feels so hopeless and so hollow, even though it's not, even though it's leading to something. And the heaviness in my chest won't go, it keeps coming back. It eclipses all.

I saw Debbie yesterday and it was good. I told her about how I've decided to do the Peer Employment Training with the goal of becoming a Peer...

The waves come and they're big and they're strong, they drag me under, it's slow drowning, it's terrifying, how long until I break? Until I cannot breathe? How long until I snap? Can I make it through? I have doubts.

This hopelessness is overwhelming. I can see the good and the positive but I can't feel it. And it's the feeling it that's vital to wanting to continue. I don't want to continue. I want everything to end. I want everything to stop. I want to be in a place where there's...

I couldn't stay home last night. So after I left chat, I drove to Hamilton. I left Auckland at about 3:15 AM, and there was basically no traffic, but I was careful to drive at the speed limit. I got to the parking lot I was aiming for at about 4:40 AM. I smoked the rest of my joint and then I fell asleep for two hours in the driver's seat. I woke up. Then I went to the nearest supermarket to buy some food. I slept in the driver's seat for a further hour or so following that. Then I went to The Base...

(Because I'm fully digging The Offspring right now. And Mumford and Sons. And Nirvana. And Fun. So on so forth etcetera, loud music. In fact my psychologist suggested dancing to loud music as a way to stay grounded. Pity that would tear my headphones out of the headphone jack on my laptop . . .)

So in case you're wondering where I've been for the last half a week or so, I was at Tupu Ake again. I felt really unsafe for the first half of last week, and seeing as I've been making really...