I used to be young and think my dreams were achievable, I was going to take over the world, be famous, be rich, be effortlessly me.

Now, I think I'll settle for sleeping each night.
Food inside me each day.
Enough internet to distract from what's probably pain.

I'm a mess.
I can't act out.
Cut yourself? People talk; everybody's all like, take the quetiapine, it'll help.
It doesn't. It just makes me feel fuzzy.
Light a fire?...

Apparently is the state of being unable to choose between two opposing courses of action. Which right now, fits me perfectly.

On the one hand, get fit, get well, be healthy, stop self-harming, do peer employment training, get a job. On the other hand . . . light fires, cut deep, just eat less, look for stuff to blow up, sleep too much, or spend all night on the internet . . .

I literally can't make the choice between working towards recovery or staying mentally unwell....

Well, I better add in some OTHER stuff from the rest of the week that's not so depressing.

So today is Leisa's birthday. I spent most of Monday planning a drawing, and most of Tuesday completing said drawing. I wanted to give her something nice, because she does so much for me. So I drew a picture and coloured it pretty, and paper-clipped a little happy birthday note to the back. I gave it to her yesterday. (She's off work today because they get a paid day off on their birthdays.)...

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For the last few days, it really feels like autumn. Yay for April, and morning temperatures attempting to be below 10C. It's so nice to be complaining to myself about the cold instead of the heat.

This morning I decided to text Rowena to ask when a good time to come in and say hi to everybody would be. She said either Wednesday or Friday, and asked if I would judge Fun Fest. I said yes. I've been secretly hoping to be asked to judge Fun Fest, it gives me a whole day in the gym, and...

Daylight savings has ended, we're back an hour.
I added a blanket to my bed, and as if in agreement with me, the skies are leaden and the air is chill.

I like it.
Winter is my favourite season, I flourish in the cold.

Yesterday I took lithium for the first time. I'm on 800mg in the evening. I didn't take any PRN. In hindsight, I probably should have. You see, our toilet has sprung a leak, and the number I had for repairs wasn't working, so I texted my...

It's all so . . . undecided.
The med run starts tonight. 800mg lithium.
I will be home for it.
Judy told me it will start tonight. I saw her yesterday, she was dropping off some PRN quetiapine. I have 600mg, in 100mg doses. I should take it at some point, I guess, but nobody has told me I have to.

All week I have wanted Leisa. All week. She rang me on Tuesday a couple of times but that was hard for me, because she wanted me to cook and eat, and I didn't want...

It's not quite 9:00am. And I'm still not sure if I'm meant to put my clocks back or forwards an hour this weekend, so I shall google it sometime before Sunday.

My WRAP graduation is this morning. I really need to poop. But I'm waiting for a person to come and drop off my key, and I can't be otherwise occupied OR leave the house until I have my key. My new flatmate moved in yesterday, and her CSW borrowed my key so she could get a copy of it cut, because none of the keys my property...

Oh well.

I'm still very depressed.
Do you know how I managed to eat, shower, and brush my teeth last night?

I got stoned.
Do you know how I layed in bed for a couple of hours listening to music calmly and then eventually slept?
I got stoned with synthetic (legal) weed.

Do you know how I managed to not cut last night?
Yeah, I was off my face.

So I didn't take the quetiapine for one night. Only me and the internet...