The crazy thing about being this high is you just can't comprehend other people's depression. I mean, generally I can empathise, even though I'm really not very good at it. I do try. But I read all this stuff about how other people are really low and they want to die and their life isn't worth living, and there's a part of me that says, CAN'T YOU SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL EVERYTHING IS? HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE?

Because all I can see at the moment is how good things are. I can see how my bed...

Hey, this is just a random request. I know that there are some of you out there following my blog, and I would like to know who you are so I can return the favour. If you are a regular reader of this blog, please comment, or write on my wall, or PM me or something, so that I know.

Thanks!

I hate feeling like this all I want to do is cut my arm till I die. I feel so alone I cant do this anymore. I have to meet with my guidance counsellor again today after school we met yesterday and I gave her my blades and stuff yesterday and we had a long talk. I told her everything I told her how I was feeling and showed her my arms and stuff. she was really concerned about me. I dont know how much longer I can do all this. I hate feeling like this and I hate myself. I told my counsellor everything...

. . . that on the 21st of September 2012, at 1830hours, Viscus_Aduro achieved 99 Firemaking. First 99, first skillcape. Victory is miiiiiine. Sort of.

Court: took all damn day. Got up at 8:30am, got to court around 9:30am. The general rule with court is as long as you turn up before 11:00am, you'll be okay, because there's simply so many people to see duty solicitors that you have to wait ages. Anyway, by the time I finally got seen by a duty solicitor, it was 11:30am.
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I gave my guidance counsellor at school my blades and stuff and she said we will talk to me about it after school. I wish I kept them I want to use them so much right now but I guess I did it for the best. I dont understand why I am feeling like this. Maybe I should just end it all so then I dont have to deal with all of this crap.

So I had dinner. Early, but hey, it felt like the right time. 2x cups of broccoli & cauliflower medley (it's what the packet says, I swear), 1x cup of mixed vegetables (peas, carrots, corn beans), 2x slices of bacon. Was. Excellent. I am awesome.

And so far today I have:
-visited probation (and bugged my probation officer for an hour, who is worried about my being high)
-visited New World and bought more junk food
-cooked dinner
-did the few dishes...

I messed up I cut myself alot tonight. I feel so guilty. I have so much going on right now I don't even know how to put it into words all i know is im scared i might not make it through tonight without doing it again.

i think everyone deserves to know the real me so here i go this will be totally honest no lies.
My name is Chantelle i am 16 i am currently struggling with anorexia SH and suicidal thoughts. I meet with a theripist and my guidance counsellor 3 times a week I dont remember the last time I was truly happy. when I say im Fine or im okay the truth is im not i am breaking slowly i have been taking it second by second for the longest time. I hate myself I wish i was never born. I cry myself to sleep...

I feel like a horrible person who should just dissapear I lied to everyone on here i dont understand why everyone is being so nice I dont deserve it I deserve to be hated like I hate myself. I just feel so bad. I have so many things going on right now Im scared if I tell someone they wont believe me. Im a horrible person who everyone should hate. I know what I did was horrible. My world is crashing down I feel so sad i dont know how much longer I can take all this. I dont remember the last time...

So I went to bed at about midnight last night. I slept maybe 4 hours total in all the sleeping I did. Problem is, I feel physically ill - like I need to vomit. I haven't vomitted, but I'll feel better once I do.

So my mental state and how I feel physically at the moment are completely at odds with each other. It's pissing me off. If I don't start to feel better physically soon (because mentally I still feel pretty good), I'm going to go to the doctor. It's possible that I'm anaemic...