So, today I got my first tattoo and it wasn't that bad. At least that is what I am telling myself because I am afraid that the only reason I was ok with it because I liked the pain. The tattoo is on my wrist and it felt like I was hurting myself again and now in my head, it feels like that is an ok thing to do and I want more.

The tattoo I got means a lot to me but now all I want to do is hurt myself, it gave me that feeling back and it felt good. Is it weird to say I have missed...

Why does everyone have these expectations of me. So my Nan died, and since then everyone around me expects me to break down, like everyone and it is so frustrating. I am doing ok, I have a new job, I am stable on my meds, I am doing well. To the point where I even decided to stop therapy, this happened before my nan but was finalized after. I am doing ok and I hate that everyone is expecting me to fail.

I relapsed and I don't care. I jus don't care and I don't know how to get that care back. 600 days clean and I relapse and I don't care. I am numb to everything and I hate to say it but it feels good to SH again. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know if I want to recover.

I have a question for those of you who have been here.

How do you explain to people around you what is going on in your head? Everyone around me wants me to be honest with them. They ask how I am and I want to answer honestly but the problem is I know they will just worry.

My answer now is that I don't want to live. This isn't me actively planning and taking action but the basic answer is I don't want to live. I don't want to be here and people get really concerned...

I can't believe I let it get to that point. To the point where I was sat ready to end it all. I let it all get too far but I am sat here now and I don't regret it. So much of me wants to but I just don't, the only bit I regret is not finishing it, and I know that is not a great mindset to be in but it is just how I am and I wish it wasn't. I am the type of person that is always positive and has always got everything under control. I have talked multiple friends back from that point but I just can't...

Today has been a day of two halves. Let's start with last night before I went to bed..... it was late so today if you think about it. I was playing board games and had so much fun, this lead me to wake up in good mood. The 'morning' was good. And then came the stupid notification. I changed my profile picture on Facebook and that is then on my feed. My dad is still a friend on Facebook so saw this and liked the post. I don't know what it was but getting that notification sent me into a complete...

Do people ever feel like they are bringing their negative feelings on themself. Tonight I was doing some more research on taking action for what I have been through but the more and more I looked at it the more and more the low feelings came. I wish I could just not care anymore about any of it because then maybe all of the problems would just go away, cause maybe people are right. I care too much.

So I started uni this year and after having a breakdown extra support was put in place for me. This started with an access plan and during that meeting, it was suggested that I apply for DSA which is a UK support scheme for Disabled Students to get extra equipment. When I got told to apply for this I did not believe I would be able to get anything but turns out I was able to get stuff.
This whole process has been so weird for me from getting a diagnosis to the meds to the access plan and...

This Christmas was going ok. Not great but better than normal then something happened. All at once what was an ok changed because of one text.

An ex youth leader of mine who has been so much help to me over the two years I have known him passed away and I cant believe it. He was in the hospital and has been really ill but he was getting better and then he is gone.

I have never really lost anyone and he was more of a dad then anyone has been to me. I don't know what...