I lasted 450 days without any big melt down and then this milestone came along. For the first time ever I ended up in AnE. I was unable to keep myself safe and ended up in hospitle. Now that sucked. I felt like I had failed by going there for help and then I felt like I had wasted their time by being there. Everyone else there was sick I was wasnt... not in my eyes anyway. It ended alright, I did not relapse but I dont know... what has happened i think is in some ways is worse. The docters and now...

Since last time a lot has happened.
Since last time I have been put on medication that works for me and I have been coping since.
Since last time I have gotten in to university.
Since last time I have flown past my target of being one year clean and have kept on flying.
Since last time I have been keeping a mainly positive attitude though I still have my bad time.
Since last time I have been looking forward till when I move out.
Since last time I have...

So after a phone call this morning I have been started on medication. What I thought would be a release has just made me feel worse and I have not even started them yet my first dose is in the morning. I feel like I have let everybody down by not managing this without meds. I haven't even told anyone yet because I don't know where to start.

At this point I just hope they work. I don't know how much more of things not working I can take.

First Bird

As I turned 18 today I decided to contact the doctors about looking into medication to try and help me deal with my emotions, at the moment they have an online system so I completed that and they got back to me straight away. I have a phone call with them in the morning. I will be difficult as I struggle with phone calls but it is what needs to be done.

Second Bird

My dad had a friend around this evening, we are still in lock down and should...

So at the minute counselling for me is on Zoom and I have been moved back to fortnightly sessions instead of monthly sessions. Last week we discussed the fact that my mood has been plummeting a lot over the past year or two and that as I turn 18 on Thursday I should look into medication as she thinks that is the best option. When I heard this I felt so ashamed as I thought I was handling it and to be told I haven't been and that medication might be my only option kinda sucked. Now I am not against...

Last night I was scrolling through tik tok as I was anxious and that normally helps me get my mind off of things. Well it didn't, I came across a video about SH and Suicide and that sent me straight into a panic attack. By a I mean many. I have not had a problem with these triggers for a while and now they come along and send me spiralling. It is just so frustrating. I did not sleep much last night because of this which now means I will have a hard day today and I am more likely to have more panic...

Although life is not great I have had an okay day today, I spent my morning on my own in my garden which was really nice and then this afternoon I got to go and see my friend as we had some food to drop of, that really picked up my spirits. I have youth group tonight on zoom, I don't know if I am going to go or not as they will know straight away that I am not ok and there is nothing they can do to help so I don't really want to talk about it. On the other hand, if I don't go then they will also...

Before you read this be warned that like normal it is a bunch of me complaining and rambling, feel free to skip it and move onto the next post.

This whole situation is just so frustrating. Just two weeks ago I was at school coping with life, yes I was having blips but for once I was speaking up in school when I needed help and I was for the most part able to look at the positives in situations, then in a matter of hours my whole life got flipped upside down school, counselling, youth...

First of all, an update. My parents still don't know about the as Physics and my teachers are now claiming no responsibility for it telling me that it was never on them. That had been a big stressor on me recently and with this happening just before Christmas sent me completely into a meltdown.

Now onto what's going on now. Christmas has been a roller coaster. Christmas time for me has never been great which for the past 6 years has sent me to relapse. This terrified me after all...

So although life has not been easy since I last talked but I kept on walking and am still here.

My teachers have been making my life pretty hard recently and it was not till I broke down to my counsellor and she sent an email out that anything changed. My teachers still have not told my parents about the change to my physics course and with parents evening next week, we will see how that goes. But tomorrow I send off my application to university and so at least I have started to look...