I relapsed and I don't care. I jus don't care and I don't know how to get that care back. 600 days clean and I relapse and I don't care. I am numb to everything and I hate to say it but it feels good to SH again. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know if I want to recover.

I have a question for those of you who have been here.

How do you explain to people around you what is going on in your head? Everyone around me wants me to be honest with them. They ask how I am and I want to answer honestly but the problem is I know they will just worry.

My answer now is that I don't want to live. This isn't me actively planning and taking action but the basic answer is I don't want to live. I don't want to be here and people get really concerned...

I can't believe I let it get to that point. To the point where I was sat ready to end it all. I let it all get too far but I am sat here now and I don't regret it. So much of me wants to but I just don't, the only bit I regret is not finishing it, and I know that is not a great mindset to be in but it is just how I am and I wish it wasn't. I am the type of person that is always positive and has always got everything under control. I have talked multiple friends back from that point but I just can't...

Today has been a day of two halves. Let's start with last night before I went to bed..... it was late so today if you think about it. I was playing board games and had so much fun, this lead me to wake up in good mood. The 'morning' was good. And then came the stupid notification. I changed my profile picture on Facebook and that is then on my feed. My dad is still a friend on Facebook so saw this and liked the post. I don't know what it was but getting that notification sent me into a complete...

Do people ever feel like they are bringing their negative feelings on themself. Tonight I was doing some more research on taking action for what I have been through but the more and more I looked at it the more and more the low feelings came. I wish I could just not care anymore about any of it because then maybe all of the problems would just go away, cause maybe people are right. I care too much.

So I started uni this year and after having a breakdown extra support was put in place for me. This started with an access plan and during that meeting, it was suggested that I apply for DSA which is a UK support scheme for Disabled Students to get extra equipment. When I got told to apply for this I did not believe I would be able to get anything but turns out I was able to get stuff.
This whole process has been so weird for me from getting a diagnosis to the meds to the access plan and...

This Christmas was going ok. Not great but better than normal then something happened. All at once what was an ok changed because of one text.

An ex youth leader of mine who has been so much help to me over the two years I have known him passed away and I cant believe it. He was in the hospital and has been really ill but he was getting better and then he is gone.

I have never really lost anyone and he was more of a dad then anyone has been to me. I don't know what...

I go home on Sunday, an event that I have pushed back as much as I could but couldn't push any further. I haven't been home since the end of October which was not a great trip home and turned from a weekend trip to a two-week trip (quarantine) and so now I am terrified about what is going to happen. With my old therapist, we talked about how moving away could make the relationship better but if anything it is making my anxiety 100% worse about the whole experience. I am not someone who gets scared...

Today I had my first meeting with the psychology team at my local hospital, this is a massive step for me. This meeting today brought up more than I thought it would and made points I never thought would be made with my life. She told me that the way my dad treats me is illegal and that I could call the police on him for what he does. She said that some of the things that I am dealing with at the moment are signs of PTSD and there are really treatments out there that I could access. We also talked...

I lasted 450 days without any big melt down and then this milestone came along. For the first time ever I ended up in AnE. I was unable to keep myself safe and ended up in hospitle. Now that sucked. I felt like I had failed by going there for help and then I felt like I had wasted their time by being there. Everyone else there was sick I was wasnt... not in my eyes anyway. It ended alright, I did not relapse but I dont know... what has happened i think is in some ways is worse. The docters and now...