Well toddayy has been AWESOME!

I taught my mama to play chess... I can hardly play myself so it was weird...

We played 2 games! And I checkmated her both times That's the 1st time in my life thet I've ever checkmated anyone thus I'm rather extatic!

I swear my life is like a game of chess though, a game that I'm losing and about to go into checkmate. I'm constantly down and in check, then for random moments I get really really hyper, sometimes for a short...

She always gets in the way. Always.
I want to do something which is just mine. But No.
I want to start my own buisness. She Has To Take Over.
I want to make my own buisness. She Has To Have A Piece Of It.
I ask for her help, only her help, but she now wants to be in the buisness, start it up and have it all for herself. I'm not letting her. She can have her own buisness but not mine, I'm staying away from anything like hers, I'm not living my life with her, I'm getting...

I can never write what I want to say... I want to let it out, I want to say what's on my mind, but I can't say it. Now how I want to. I always come out with something stupid, something that isn't what I mean, something that's not quite right. It makes all the difference, it means nothing gets out and everything is still trapped inside of me.


What I want to talk about:

• My urges to self harm, how I've started burning myself and I'm scared because I don't know how to deal with

...

...

So I guess I'm an idiot.

She's bang out of order, how dare she make me feel guilty to the point of crying that I don't want to be an optometrist. If I don't want to do it then I shouldn't be made to feel guilty!

Everyone changes their mind, I don't even need to have a job in mind at this age. Urg she's a fucking bitch! As if I'd let her work for me, I don't want to see her again and af if I care about getting a job?

I don't plan on living that long anyway! She hasn't a clue about me, sometimes...

I had to put a condom on a dildo in front of the whole class today.
After my day of drugs, alcohol and 2 sex ed classes, I've decided drugs/alcohol are not a bad thing but sex sucks and something I never want to do.
I'm over half way through my life and I never had sex so I don't see why I would want to change that!

I've eaten too much today, way too many calories, I can feel the fat building up inside. Need to burn it off, need to exersize and move and make it get out, stop the weight.

I've put on weight since Monday, don't know what to do, too tired to exersize, just want to curl up in a ball and sleep, musn't stop moving though! I had too much last night, chocolate and booze = weight gain!

Must do something, think I need to cut, musn't let myself do it! Musn't let myself give...

My Dearest Blade,

I can feel you looking at me, I can feel you stare from your drawer, you want to be free from your home, you are good, you want to help me! I'm denying you happiness, I'm punishing you for doing all you know, all you ever have done, I even feel sorry for you, a fucking blade.

What's wrong with me? I need to cut but I can't, I need food but I've eaten too much already today, I can't keep busy, there's nothing to do to be distracted, I'm such a loser,...