Triggering: Just talking about what’s going on with me

[Gris]

Ok so trigger warning for suicidal ideation. I don’t have any diagnosis or anything but I’m posting here because suicide is a current thought. Since I was 6 I began to feel sad for no reason, but when I was 10 I began to have suicidal thoughts for the first time and from then on every single day I think about it. It’s been 6 years and there’s not one day it doesn’t cross my mind. I walk into a room and look around at the objects and just imagine myself killing myself in different ways. Because of these thoughts I’m not like the happiest person and it’s noticeable at first glance, people tell me I look like a ghost, walking around like a zombie, I looks so tired or irritated, they’re probably not wrong and I probably look very unnaproachable. Despite this, I have never told anyone about these thoughts because I’m so bad at talking about my feelings. I just bottle everything up. Some days I’ll think about killing myself excessively like I can’t think of anything else, but they day after I’ll be fine in comparison. The thought is still there just less. Because some days I feel way better than others I feel like the days that I do bad is just me over exaggerating and it makes me think I shouldn’t try to get help since there nothing wrong ,right? Like I just think these thought but I’m mostly functional and I hide it exceptionally. Everyone I know tells me they thought I was so sad and angry before they met me but when they get to know me they realize I’m the most talkative and fun person ever. In my mind I wish someone noticed, but it’s my fault they don’t, even if they did notice I would be freaking out and not say anything. Everytime someone asks me anything about it like if I’m depressed or something I start shaking and my heart starts beating so fast I just can’t talk about it. When I was 14 I started genuinely thinking about killing myself like before that it was just ideation but st 14 I was ready. The only thing that stopped me was my family potentially finding me, if I’m gonna do it I want my body to go missing I don’t want anyone to find me, or the embarrassment of surviving. Anyways, now it’s the same but my appetite has been going down, I’m tired and everything but I’m functional. I get average grades and I don’t distance myself from people, on the contrary, everytime I feel really intensely to do something crazy I feel the urge to tell someone everything so I call anyone, but then back away and just end up talking casually. Because I’m doing pretty good in life I guess I feel like I’m just trying to get attention by having all these thoughts and if I get help I’ll just take the spot of someone that actually needs help instead of me that’s just being over dramatic. Yeah that’s it.

[Everglow.]

Hey there.

First of all, welcome to TeenHelp and congrats on your first forum post. I hope you find the support and advice you're looking for here.

I'm sorry that you've been dealing with suicidal ideation and thoughts for so long. It must be incredibly exhausting to have to deal with this, and I completely understand a lot of what you're saying here. Sometimes, things like depression don't necessarily stop you functioning. There are a lot of people who struggle with similar thoughts and feelings, who have full time jobs, friends, a social life etc, but privately are going through some pretty tough things. Please don't ever feel like just because you're functioning, it means you're not entitled to help. You are. The fact you're thinking these things, and in some cases to excess, means you deserve support.

There might be small things you can do in the moment to make you think differently when you're having bad thoughts. For example, when you walk into a room and see things you could hurt yourself with, try and challenge yourself to also look for things which might make you smile instead. For example, when I'm out walking or on the bus and I get a bit anxious or overwhelmed, it's easy for me to focus on noise, crowds, aches and pains etc, so sometimes I will force myself to look at nicer things too. I'll take note of nice weather, pleasant music, a nice smell. It's a small thing, but this way it challenges you to change your thought processes and not purely focus on the bad parts. You can still acknowledge that these are thoughts you are having, but try to tell yourself that they're not the only thoughts you're capable of. Challenge your perspective a little bit too.

I think leaning on your support group is a really good thing too. You mentioned that you'll sometimes call someone and end up talking about random things. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Any distraction, as long as it is healthy, is better than acting on a bad thought. Even if you don't feel ready to talk about the hard stuff, it's so good that you call people to distract yourself when you need it. Maybe try some other alternatives and distractions too for when you're struggling, such as taking a walk, breathing exercises, or writing down how you feel. You can find some more options by clicking here too. Try a few of them, something there will hopefully help you when you're struggling.

Please never feel like you can't talk to someone because you're seeking attention or being dramatic. If talking to someone is what you need, you have as much right to that as anyone else. I think given the fact you've been struggling for so long, reaching out might be really helpful for you. If you have a relative, or a trusted teacher, maybe start there? Maybe your school has a guidance counsellor too who you can reach out to. There are loads of options, and posting here is an amazing first step. I hope that it helps you to realise that you are allowed to ask for help, and that you deserve it too.

I hope you're doing okay and hanging in there. You definitely deserve to live and not feel unable to be supported. Keep your chin up.

[Gris]

Thank you so much for the tips, I will definitely try them and see if that makes it a little better. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to this jaja.