Triggering (Suicide): I'm getting worse

[PlutoTheOpposum]

I had a really strong urge last night. I can't say what for exactly (i'm on my school chromebook since I don't have any other form of communication) but it's what the TW is.
I remember it really vividly because I was laying there at 1am with shiloh dynasty playing in the background. Before you cringe at me, it's a really nostalgic artist because it's what I used to listen to when I was younger. But anyways, Shiloh dynasty was playing, and some of the moonlight was on the wall. The room was really dark. It didn't feel real. And I thought about doing it, but for reals. The only thing stopping me was that both of my plans were in my parents' room. So that's why I'm still here.
Idk, things have just been getting worse lately. I talked to my therapist on monday, but it didn't help. I feel like therapy doesn't really work for me if it's on a phone, because I'm so worried my parents'll hear something.
Honestly I wouldn't be making this post, but my emotions are getting out of control I think. When I'm angry, that's the first thing I consider doing (seriously, I should add). Same with the few times I'm sad. But most of the time I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling.
I'm scared I'm gonna do something. I made another post on this, but it's getting more serious now. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm faking this, I rreally don't. I don't care about going back to the hospital, the only thing I care about is that if I do, my parents are gonna talk about me behind my back. I hate it.

Thanks for letting me vent, this is all I really have.

[Ennui.]

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well for you right now. I'm glad to hear that your methods of suicide are in your parents' room, because that means that you have reduced your means and have a way of keeping yourself safe. I know it feels terrible in the moment knowing you can't act on the urges, but you won't have anything to regret later when you come down from the urge. I know urge surfing is hard but I think you did a good job because you didn't try to acquire any other means and didn't act.

I understand the fear of your parents hearing you when you are talking with your therapist. Do you think your parents would let you switch to someone who is in-person, so that way you'd be safe in their office instead? The therapist shouldn't have to tell your parents what you talk about unless they think you are at risk of harming yourself or others.

I think it would help to find other things to do when you have strong emotions. It feels easier said than done sometimes, of course. But, it may help to think of other things to do. When you're angry, for example, go for a walk or sing along to your favorite music, maybe something that is faster so you can get some of the energy out. Even dance around in your room, you don't have to be good at it. When you're sad you can self-soothe with things like a soft blanket and a comfort show. Even small things count.

I know you don't want your parents talking about you, and I understand that because I'd feel the same. But remember that your safety is of the utmost importance. If other people judge, screw them. You'd be taking steps towards keeping yourself safe, and that's honestly a good thing. I'd be proud of you for doing it.

Also, for what it's worth, I don't think you're faking this at all. You're having a tough time and deserve to reach out for support or even just vent. I promise.

Dez

[Everglow.]

Hi Lyl

First of all I am glad that you feel you can come here to vent. TH is a safe place and you are always welcome to talk about how you feel here.

I am sorry that you're going through some dark times at the minute. It's great that you are still here and fighting through the urges you have. No matter what the reason is, the fact you found a reason of any kind to not go through with these urges is an achievement and I'm happy you're still here. Are you able to perhaps find a way of recording what keeps your going when things are tough like this? Your parents are obviously one of them so that's a good start. That way you can have a resource for yourself with reasons to stay alive.

It;s great that you bought your concerns up with your therapist but i totally understand why the worry of your parents overhearing you would hold you back. Is there a reason why your therapy is over the phone? Do you think there would be a way to explore in-person therapy? If not, perhaps you could see if your therapist could help in other ways, such as through instant messaging? This way you have a little bit more privacy even if it's not 100% perfect.

Otherwise, you could always write your therapist a letter explaining your concerns for confidentiality because of the living arrangements. This way you are not holding back without cause and your therapist will understand. Being open is always a good thing in therapy.

Lastly I hope that you know nobody here thinks you are faking anything. Your experiences and feelings are valid and TH is here for everyone. Please continue to reach out, I am glad you are here.

[Dawn.]

Hi there,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. However, it is great that you are able to express your emotions here on Teenhelp. We are here to support you.

Is there another way that you are able to speak to your therapist that is not over the phone?

We certainly don't think that you are faking it. If there is anything, feel free to message me.

[Rika]

Hello there!

I am sorry to hear that things are not working out right now. I am also glad to hear the methods of suicide are in your parents room, and also am glad you have a way to keep yourself safe. I get that right now it feels really terrible you cannot act on those urges, but you'll feel better knowing you were unable to act on it. I think you did well not acquiring any other means and decided not to act.

I understand that you are feeling fear of your parents hearing you talk to your therapist. I also wonder if you could perhaps switch to an in-person therapist as to feel safer in their office? Therapists should not be disclosing what they discuss with their clients unless you are planning to harm yourself or others.

I'd also consider positive things when you feel these urges. What have you done before to distract yourself? Maybe do that again or something different. Whenever I am angry I usually just turn on Spotify and listen to music. I also just walk away from the situation if I can.

I also would feel the same way if my parents started talking about me. Safety is the most important thing, remember this. I say if people are judging you or anything, forget them. You are going to take steps to feel safer, and it is good to hear this. I'd be happy and proud that you're doing this.

I too don't think you're faking this either. You're just going through a rough patch and you deserve to reach out to seek help and support.