Returning to self harm

[house-of-usher]

I don't know if I am actually getting better anymore. I have been getting help now and again from a psychiatrist, but it seems to not be working. I understand that it is still early, but I have returned to hurting myself again. Not as often as before, but yet I have still returned to it. My suicidal thoughts are down key comparison to before, but those thoughts are still there and it is making my really scared. I fear of being left home alone now and I get really bad thoughts when I am alone. I don't know what to do. I have not told really anyone that I have been hurting myself. I don't know if I should.
May someone please help me?

[Ennui.]

Hey there,

I think that it's at least a good idea to tell your psychiatrist that you are harming yourself. The more honest you are with your psychiatrist, the better they can help you. I think that it may also be helpful for you to let your psychiatrist know that you don't feel as if it is working right now. They may be able to use a different technique in order to help you. Sometimes some things they want you to do are helpful, and sometimes some things aren't, but if you're honest with your psychiatrist, they can make sure they try something else.

I think it can also help you to have people to call when you are home alone, to make sure you're safe. Heck, it can even be calling your parents if you have nobody else to call, but they can talk you through the thoughts. This is a list of hotlines, and they cover topics such as suicide and self harm, as well as a variety of other things. When you are feeling unsafe you can even call one of these. If worst comes to worst you can go to the hospital.

It may be beneficial to be honest with someone about the fact that you've been hurting yourself, because they can be people you can turn to and vent to, and they can at least try and support you.

You should try and find some things to do, especially when you are home alone, to keep you safe or give you a distraction. I have heard the "Happiness Box" around the site before, and it's basically where you fill a box with, well, happy things! It can be positive images or quotes, or even pictures of people, animals, events, objects, etc that bring good memories. Fill it with your favorite things such as a hoodie or other comforting clothes if you have a big enough box/bag. If you have objects that may make you happy like stuffed animals, books, movies, or music, you can put that in as well. Heck, you can even put things such as coloring books and crayons in it! Basically it provides you with good, safe things to do.

You can do things such as write, do art, or listen to or make music in order to express what you're feeling, or even exercise.

You can keep things to do with your hands around the room, such as stress balls or Rubix' Cubes.

Basically, try and make a safety plan.

You can do this.

-Dez

[Ginger98]

I understand exactly how you're feeling! I often have found myself scared to be left alone. But whenever you get those thoughts just think that the fact that you want to get better is already a step forward! And also the fact that you are hesitating hurting yourself means you are getting stronger and stronger with each time! Stay strong and think positive thoughts!

[house-of-usher]

Well as I feared, my scratching got worse. I had a choir concert Thursday, but the matter of hours before the concert I scrated my arm, but the thing that i normally use broke. i still used the usual thing that I used, but now the thing is much sharper than usual. When i scratched my arm it took some skin with it and now i have scabs on my arm. I have been hiding them for the past two days and i am so scared that my mother or someone else is going to see them. I had to put makeup over them that so no one would see them at the concert. Thank goodness for makeup or else i might have been admitted to the hospital again or something. What should i do now? Should i keep hiding it or should i say something about it to someone? I am so scared that it might get even worse. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Ennui.]

I think that it would be worth it for you to tell someone about this, ESPECIALLY because you are afraid that things are going to continue to get worse for you. I think that since you have this fear, it is something you should get some support on before it does worsen. It's also better if you tell someone before they find out on their own and just see them.

At least tell your psychiatrist about what is going on, but if not, you can also tell someone like your mom, another family member, a teacher, or a guidance counselor. You really deserve support.

-Dez

[house-of-usher]

I would tell my psychiatrist, but my mother goes to each and every one of the meeting that I go to and if I told the school counselor, he would tell my mom or have me sent to the hospital again. I don't know what to do.

[Ennui.]

I think that maybe you should just tell your mom, then. In the end if you fear for your safety, it is something to take seriously. Just because you are self harming, it doesn't necessarily mean you'll have to be hospitalized.

Or is there any way you'd be able to tell your psychiatrist you want private sessions? Maybe as you're leaving or coming in one day you can slip him a note asking for them?

[house-of-usher]

My psychiatrist had brought it up the first session about talking to her alone and that is something that I have been wanting to do, but I don't know how to say it and I don't know if my mother would like that. She said that she was fine with it, but I don't think she really is. I know that she is really worried about me and I feel horrible about putting her through all of this.

[Ennui.]

I know that she may not like the idea of you going to solo-sessions, but in the end, if you think that will help you get the most out of your sessions, then it's best to be honest. You can say "I think it will help to talk to -psychiatrist name- by myself for a while," or if you use the idea of slipping your psychiatrist a note, you can keep it simple and say "I want to see you privately."

I think it may be worth discussing things with your mom as well, separately. Let her know you appreciate that she's worried and only wants to look out for you, but right now you don't feel as if you are getting better. Let her know what WILL help you, and she may be more likely to listen?

I think you should definitely let your psychiatrist know that you would like to talk to her alone. I know that you are worried that your mom won't like that decision but in the end you need to do what is best for your mental health. It is okay to take a bit of time to talk alone with your psychiatrist. I am sure, in the end, your mom will be okay with it as long as she knows you are getting the help that you deserve.

[house-of-usher]

I really just want to be done with my life. I want to just fall asleep and not wake up. I am hurting so bad and i don't know why. The marks on my arm will not fully go away and it has been a little over a week now. I don't know what to do anymore. I try to talk to others about it and they get so worried, but I hate it when others are worried about me. I tell them that I will be fine, but I know that is not true. I feel as though no one truly cares about me. I don't feel as though I can ever be loved by someone. How could anyone ever love me when all I want to do is hurt and or kill myself because I can not deal with the pain. I am so hurt and lost and I really just want to be done with my life.

[Its.Just.Angie]

hey there,

I'm sorry what you are going through. I just want to let you know suicide is never the answer. People are worried about you is because they care! Even I care and I haven't met you in real life! I understand that the pain is so hard to deal with. I want you to know it gets better. You can overcome it! But you will have to take some pretty scary steps. And that is letting you pshyciatirst know what you want private sessions.

Just speaking from experience. I say a lot easier to share things in private sessions speaking from experience. Trust me, it's probably a lot easier for her as well cause she can just focus on you and not anyone else. You can just ask for a couple private then A few with your mom. That means your mom can go to some... And nothing should be shared with your mom what you say in private sessions. It's a lot easier to do it solo. Just ask your mom if you can try one session alone. It could make them a lot stressful! (I get stressed if I go with my mom)

But I think you should tell her that you are getting worse. That can tell her that she should try another option. Which will help both of you. It's the best to be honest.. Don't tell them what they want to hear. It doesn't help any of you all. I made that mistake and I'm basically back to square one..

If you have any other questions feel free to PM/VM me

[house-of-usher]

Things are not seeming to get any better. I have tried various things to try to get better than what I have been, but nothing has seemed to work. I am scared to tell anyone about anything that I have been going through, but I don't know what to do anymore. I am really scared to tell anyone about what is going on. It is really bad to say, but I tried to hurt myself at church because I felt really anxious and alone. I want to tell my psychiatrist about what I am going though, but I am afraid for when the time would come that my parents would be told about what is going on. My parents already know that I have depression and about my thoughts of suicide and at least a little about my suicide attempt, but I don't know how they are going to react to the aspect of me self harming myself.

[house-of-usher]

Oh my gosh!!! I am so weak. I have tried everything in my power to stay clean, but I have gone back to the same old same old. I thought that when I hut myself as bad as I did that I would stop self harming because it scared the crap out of me, but no. I have gone back to hurting myself and it got bad again like last time, well not as bad as last time because I did not have as much time to hurt myself as much as I wanted to. I really do not know what to do. Many people, including people on this site, have told me that I should tell my psychiatrist and my parents, but I can not bring myself to do it. I must be a fool or something. I believe that I will be okay even though I have been doing this to myself. I have even tried to commit suicide again, but thank God in Heaven that I stopped myself before I could have taken what I wanted to do any further.
I just do not know if I should trust anyone with anything that I have been going through. I fear that people will become scared and smothering. I guess I just fear being helped because I have this notion that I can solve everything on my own. I do not know who to trust and if people actually care about me, or if it is just a lie. It all just hurts me so much and I would rather just be dead because I know that no one would miss me. Well as usual my parents and siblings would miss me and so would some family members, but no one else would care that I am gone. I really have no reason to live that I can think of. I really just want to give up and be done with all of this crap.

[house-of-usher]

I am getting really scared now. I am starting to see things. Like seeing myself hanging from objects like trees and telephone lines. Is that even normal. And my self harm is seeming to get worse.