Triggering: Self-harm, substance abuse, family

[contaigous-misery]

i had no idea where to put the thread so can be moved if needed,

so been really struggling this weekend not sleeping, craving to self-harm so bad my skin itches, ashamed of my addictions,
the depression cycles are shorter and now i seem to be depressed more times then not, every night i dont self-harm i should feel good but i dont my self-harm is not as bad as it useto be where is was weekly or every day, now i only slip up every few months although its on my mind most day, i usally resist by delaying it saying ater, having a joint first, making myself have to do things before im allowed really trying to hold onto any excuse but in the morning i feel no better i feel pathetic for not giving in like i dont have the balls to hurt myself, my brothers gf rang the othernight in tears they were arguing, i could hear them both screaming down the phone its a dv relationship i had no idea what to say or do, and she expected me to be able to something like when i said what can i do shes like his your brother.... but that doesnt change the fact i dont drive no licence and no car. and i cant expect friends to do it, so i said do what you have to do even if you have to ring the police to us sane people that makes sense, but i know my brother will see it as im agaainst him and im scared they will take it offensive and be angry at me and cut me off from my nephew, i cant stop thinking stressing i said the wrong thing and messed up, iasked my friend what to dow hile i was on the phone and tried to hand phone to him, but he wouldnt grab it, he said telling her to ring the police was a silly idea too but i didnt know what else to do, and im sorta angry at them all for putting me in this position... depression so bad slack in hygiene whats the point nobody to look good for and seeing my scars trigger me it makes me want to add more, cause its not like i can ever get rid of the ones already, there then i start realising ive gained weight and i only eat like 1 meal a day so i cant diet, and i think it has to do with alcohol which im addicted to and i just hate all this,i hate my first thought is weed and alcohol and its my last, sleep is my only break when i dont have nightmares,

[Everglow.]

Hey there,

It certainly sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate right now, and I'm really sorry things have gotten so bad. I think that the delayed SH is a really good first step to recovery though and I actually used a similar method myself! Perhaps you could adjust the way you think of this method - instead of delaying it and allowing yourself to SH, give yourself targets for being SH free. For eample, instead of saying 'I wont hurt myself until after I have cleaned my room', say to yourself 'I will try to stay SH free until I have cleaned my room', and at that point, instead of giving in, try to challenge yourself to another goal, maybe 'I will try to stay SH free until I have showered/eaten a meal/run some errands etc'. Perhaps adjusting your way of thinking will help, as it's a little more optimistic and goal related than simply delaying giving into the urge. In thinking you will just do it later, you're still allowing yourself to give in, and the goal here is to recover. This is also why you really shouldn't feel pathetic for having not given in! It is so much easier as a self harmer to give in than to keep fighting. Even going one night without giving in when the urges are bad is such an incredible achievement, and you really should strive for that! Feel proud - it's so strong of you and you deserve to feel good about that.

I think by telling your brothers girlfriend to call the police, you absolutely did the right thing. He may be your brother but if he is a harm to people, it's a really good idea to recognise that and talk to the appropriate people. If you did have the ability to go over there, it could be dangerous not only for his girlfriend, but for you too! Just bare in mind that it can be far more complicated for her to be able to call the police than for people on the outside to tell her to. There are so many emotions and feelings involved, including and not limited to love and fear! It's a difficult thing to do, but if you're comfortable with it, just make sure she has someone to talk to. Try and be the rational outsider so that, if she does decide to report it, she has someone to back her up and be there for her through what will undoubtedly be a really stressful and emotional process!

Are you speaking to anybody about your problems? I think if you're not it might really help to look towards a counsellor or family member to support you. Especially with the eating issues as it's a steep slope you can find yourself on by restricting yourself to one meal per day. Weight gain is not necessarily a bad thing, just as losing weight is not necessarily a good thing. Maintain a healthy balance! This is best done by eating 3+ meals a day and combining that with exercise. Your health is the most important thing and weight doesnt always indicate whether or not you're healthy.

I hope this has helped you a little bit. There are some areas I haven't touched upon simply because I don't think I'd be able to give you the best advice, but I've tried to include as much as I could! Keep fighting through this and you will win, I promise you it's possible.

[contaigous-misery]

thank you for replying, will try using that idea thank you,

its hard because the relationship is very 50/50 there both abusive to eachother and you never know the truth unless your the fly on the wall, and to be honest i have no respect for her, she kicked in my gate and back door and punched my brother in the face one time while he had my nephew in his arms,
im more worried about my brother being angry at me, i just dont know how to deal with this stuff, nobody says this is what to do, when someone rings claiming dv, and what to say instead if you cant ring police, but yer its hard and i know i might sound bad not having sympathy for her,
but the truth is the only person i really care about is my nephew, they are adults making this choice to be together even though they know it always ends this way. i just dont understand what else i was supposed to do, and i cant stand not knowing worrying, if hes home, if hes someonewhere safe, will he get to see his son,(unfortunately everytime they argue she uses my nephew as a weapon), is he angry at me, is it forgiveable me saying to ring police, i just didnt know what to do and cant get it off my mind.

i do see a counsellor but shes not the best, im not really restricting my food ive just never been a big eater, but i dont know i just hate looking at myself, and i know the weight gain is most likely from my alcohol addiction, but it doesnt stop you wanting to look down and see a flat stomach instead of a bloated one with rolls forming.
i just dont know my head is a mess there is a million things for me to do, and i cant seem to get any motivation to even want to be awake.

suppose to be going to england in october and still have everything to do for that, my doctor wants me to detox before i go, but i have no1 to look after my cats and i feel like a waste of resources when im already thinking of my first bit of weed when i get back.