She sent a letter and now I am paranoid

About two weeks ago I received a message from my abusive ex's current partner. It was completely out of the blue and frankly I was very surprised to hear from her. In it she referenced a post I made three and a half years ago about the abuse I encountered at the hands of my ex. When I wrote it she was referenced in the comments by another person and so I wrote her saying if she ever needed to talk or felt abused by him that she could come to me. She said she was happy to I thought to myself "poor girl" and just left it alone.

The message she sent started out by telling me she was very happy with him, five years later. She talked about how she had mental health struggles, too, and if she had met him in her mid-twenties (which is when he and I were together) it never would have worked. So she seemed to imply she thought she kind of knew where I was coming from.

She told me "[she] kept his secrets and he kept [hers]," but she'd tell me one thing: he loved me very much, and the reason he stepped back when I started struggling was to try and give me space to figure myself out rather than get involved and make it worse.

She told me not to tell him she messaged me because he'd "give her the silent treatment" (yeah, sounds like a REAL healthy relationship) and that I better not use this information to make another post because she'd be a "squeaky wheel" and get the mods to take it out of public eyes. Then she apparently "followed" me, which means she can see everything I post, but I don't see what she posts unless I follow or friend her.

I did respond, after several days of thinking. I told her I was surprised to hear from her, but I didn't really think there was much to discuss. I was glad she seemed happy, but I was not happy with him and that was that. Knowing that he loved me doesn't matter (mostly because I don't think he's capable of love, but that's another thing).

The problem is it's making me question the abuse. Like I know I've got backup. When I made that original post calling him out three years ago, in addition to tons of comments, I got private messages from like four or five people who played with him or were his partners, all saying similar things. When it comes to playing publicly, he screwed up several times. He's banned from all the local groups. People are on my side.

But a small voice is like "did he really love me? Is that really what happened?" I don't know what to make of it. I don't think he did. My best friend says she "thinks he thinks he loved me" rather than actual love, and I am inclined to agree, but I just don't know.

I am also SUPER paranoid that she's following to give him access to my profile. I have him blocked on that site and I am worried he can see my page through her. I am pretty sure she only followed me to make sure I didn't make a new writing, but still. Do I block her? I don't want to be rude, but this is freaking me out.

I don't know what to make of all this I guess.

Hey Eli,

There could be a number of reasons as to why she contacted you. I won't dive into those. What I will say is that what you know about the relationship is valid and real. I agree with your best friend, he thinks that he loved you but he did not. This girl might think she is happy but, even you pointed out that he's still be abusive, at least emotionally. That is a sign that what you know happened.

As your friend, I think you should block her. I also know it is your decision and I cannot tell you what to do. I will support you through any choice you make even if I do not agree. I know you will come to a decision about what you need to do for you.

If you need to hear it; what you've told me about this person, was abusive.

[Celyn]

Hey there,

I can imagine how weird that hearing from your abusive ex's current partner can be for you, especially if it's lead to you questioning things.

I think it's important for you to trust your feelings. If you felt that what you went through was abusive, then that's your reality. Just because someone else is happy with your ex, it doesn't make him any less abusive, or his actions towards you any less abusive. It can also help to remember that abusive people may be able to be 'nice' to some and abusive to others, which is what can make abuse difficult to identify. But just because someone is able to be loving towards someone else, it doesn't mean that they were never abusive to you.

In less common circumstances, there is a chance that the abuser could've genuinely loved the other person and may not have realised their behaviour is considered abusive. However, even if this were the case, it is ultimately up to you and how you feel. If you don't feel that your ex is capable of love and was abusive towards you, then that's your reality. What someone else says or does shouldn't impact on that.

I understand the paranoia of feeling stalked, especially if you are concerned this person may be passing off information to your ex. If you don't want to be rude, you may want to see if there are other privacy options or maybe avoid posting personal things. Alternatively, setting up a second anonymous account could be an option. However, if these aren't options and you don't feel safe, then there's no reason to feel guilty over blocking. You're understandably scared over this situation, you have suspicions that she may be passing on information to your abusive ex and feel that you cannot write any more posts about him. You have a right over who see's your information and who doesn't.

Hope this helps a bit

Thank y'all for your responses. Several days after posting this I blocked her on that website. I feel a little bad for doing so, since she's been nothing but nice to me, but I can't shake the feeling she is using it to spy on me for him, so it's just safer for peace of mind to have her blocked. I know she could still make a sock puppet account and just use that to spy on me, but that takes more effort and I don't think a normal person would do that.

[Silvan]

As for my two cents, I think all of what you feel or felt is valid. I always go by these words: if you have felt or thought something, it means something else has sparked it. Trust yourself and your impressions. While our minds may sometimes exaggerate or create illusions. don't let someone else convince you that your feelings are invalid.

[Mallika]

Hi Eli,

Thanks for reaching out!

I too think it is a little strange that she'd send you this letter out of the blue, when you haven't been in contact with your ex all these years. It somehow makes me think that she had some incident in her relationship with him that pushed her to do this. I don't know what that would be though... perhaps she sent this letter as a way of reassuring herself that she is in a happy relationship with him, because internally she might be insecure about it? After all, as you mentioned, there might be some darker elements to their relationship, especially since she mentioned about the cold treatment. We can only speculate.

But as the other users have mentioned, you know the reality about your relationship best. If he abused you, that is the truth, and no one can change it. Even if he's a god to his current girlfriend, that doesn't change the fact that he hurt you. Therefore, she telling you know that "he really loved you" is not going to nullify his actions. I agree with your friend that he has the wrong notion about his feelings - if he really loved you, he wouldn't have treated you abusively.

It's good that you've blocked her now. Your time with him is done - you are free to post whatever you want now. You shouldn't have to be indirectly controlled by his stalking and spying on you through her.

I hope that she will not reach out to you with these sorts of disturbing messages. I also feel bad for her in a way, but you shouldn't have to feel cornered any more now. It's your life, and you can live it the way you want.

Take care! And feel free to DM me if you'd like to chat about anything!

[Dawn.]

Hi there,

It is strange that she sent you a letter out of the blue, considering she is dating someone you no longer want to be in contact with.
I think you did the right thing by blocking her. You don't need your ex knowing what you are up to and there's no reason for you to feel bad. You need to do whatever is best for you.
I hope you are ok and if you ever need anything, please let me know.