Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Struggling with overly controlling thoughts and fantasies. (male)

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]Hello. I'm a male in my early teens. I want to talk about here some very concerning mental issues I have about control To start off with, I have had a porn addiction for a very long time. Years actually and still continuing. In the past porn has not had much of an effect on me mentally as much as it did physically (my penis was often sore, visably worn and I experienced painful ejaculation but it resolved itself as I started masturbating less). Those days I masturbated to pretty typical pornography, and eventually had to stop because ejaculating became so painful. I struggled severely with quitting, so badly my record time without porn was two days; not even joking. I became so depressed at that time, but eventually became more distracted with life that I only had time to masturbate to porn a few times a week. After that I mostly masturbated without porn, but after awhile (now) I went back to masturbating to porn 1-3 times a day. I have experienced no pain for a long time now, but a declining mental state. But now it gets really really bad. I started becoming so addicted to porn and so horny and always thinking about anything sexual, that things went overboard. I started masturbating to very extreme types of porn. Stuff like gay sex (I see myself as straight), lesbian sex, sex with animals (fictional), aliens, bugs, as well as rape; with absolutely no restraint or shame. This obviously has nothing to do with my sexuality, as I can not identify as literally everything, and I'm just REALLY excited all the time. But things from there changed horribly, and I soon started fantasising about abusing women, and sometimes men, and eventually straight up beating people, and masturbated to porn like that as well. And even worse I fantasised and ejaculated with thoughts of stabbing a woman to death and raping her, and also about gore. Even just little things in life is showing signs of something wrong. This is also accompanied by feelings of being lazy, unmotivated and depressed. For example, a pet wants to be fed, but I will yell at them for something stupid and unreasonable like they did something I didn't like recently. I will also refuse to do chores, with my excuse being "it depresses me", and then just lay down for hours doing nothing, refusing to do it. But why does being lazy make me depressed? I will lay down, having horrible thoughts for a long time, like "how can I manage these bad thoughts?" "how do I feel happy again" "why am I just so sad" and I always just want to cry. Its so painful. I have almost attempted suicide many times and have had many thoughts about it, with the two closest being trying to pressure myself to edited while sitting right near it, and searching up "how to edited". I am lying down and crying all the time from bad feelings, but I do it to be lazy?? But what disturbs me with that is that I DO feel real depression. Tonight I did another stupid thing. I sat in a chair, my brother who made dinner said he wanted to sit there. I refused to move from the chair. When I finally did I left dinner. I never let anyone be right about anything in an argument and I'm turning into an asshole. But my mind will not let me change...I think I need help... I'm very unstable in the head....[/size]

[Ennui.]

Hey,

I think it's good that you recognize some of the things going on in your life are problems. That's the first step towards changing them!

Do you think that you can use a child block or similar software to limit your ability to view porn? Most computers come with some form of a child block, and there are also programs you can use to block specific types of websites from coming up on your browser. Of course, with child blocks you'd still know the password if you're the one setting it, but when the password screen comes up it might serve as a reminder that you are looking to reduce the amount of time you masturbate and watch porn.

I think the important part about some of your fantasies is whether or not you'd act on them. Would you act on the fantasy of harming a woman, for example? If not, that's a good sign and something to remind yourself of. It means you're able to separate fantasies from reality. It doesn't mean you don't have morals or anything like that.

Do you think you could get professional help for your addiction to porn and masturbation? It sounds like you masturbate to the point of physical harm and are worried about some of the fantasies you have, and a therapist may be able to help guide you through some of what is going on and give you better coping mechanisms.

It may also help to find something to do when you have the urge to masturbate or watch porn. For example, release some of the energy in the form of exercise such as lifting weights or going for a walk or run. It gets out some of the things that are pent up inside of you. You can even distract yourself with something such as video games.

I don't think you're lazy though, I think you're depressed. Depressed and lazy aren't the same thing. When we get depressed we get more irritable too, which may be why you are yelling at pets. Try and find healthy outlets for what you're going through. For example, you can write in a journal or blog, do art, exercise, play or listen to music, or something else.

There's a suicide/crisis hotline if you live in the United States, 988. If you are in a crisis or thinking about suicide, you can call this number and they will talk through what's going on and help get you to a better place.

[Everglow.]

Hey there,

Thank you for reaching out about what you're going through. It takes a lot to not only acknowledge a problem, but to also share it and seek help. I think it's a really strong thing.

Dez made a really good point about the difference between thinking and acting. Some of the thoughts you have are clearly disturbing, for you as well. Violent thoughts aren't always a sign of a violent person though. You make a choice every single day not to go out and hurt somebody, which is a good thing. Recognising that the intrusive thoughts exist though is also good because it means you can potentially ask for help in figuring out where they come from and how to deal with them when they're there. Could this be something you could discuss with a doctor or therapist?

In terms of the addiction to porn/masturbation, it definitely sounds like you've had some health issues as a result. I would suggest that if you are in physical pain, your doctor is always the best option to make sure you can treat the discomfort.
You may be able to encourage yourself to reduce the amount of porn you watch, and frequency of masturbation, by setting yourself some goals. For example, you know you have been two days without watching porn before. Try not to see that as a small thing - any amount of time fighting the urge to act on an addiction is a success. Next, you try to get to three days - then when you get there, you try to get to four. Your goals can be smaller if they feel more manageable, such as by taking it by the hour if you're struggling particularly hard.

You may find that the TeenHelp 'Alternatives' page is useful in fighting some of the urges you have to go back into those behaviours. You said that before, you got too busy to fall back into old habits, so maybe you can find some hobbies or tasks which will distract your mind for a while. Again, take each urge a moment at a time, and don't feel like you can't celebrate even the small successes you have.

I agree with Dez that you don't sound lazy to me. I deal with the same feelings of not wanting to do anything just so that I'm not doing anything. When you're depressed, your motivation and energy are effected and that does lead to behaviours some would label 'lazy'. Don't be too hard on yourself for that. All of it is a sign that you're in a bad place right now, but maybe you can take small steps to be in control of that again. For me, I found that the '5 minute rule' comes in useful. This means that if a task takes 5 minutes or less, I try to do it right away, even if my brain doesn't want to. This means you can start to feel more productive, but in a manageable way.

I hope this helps a bit. If you ever feel like you're in crisis or might harm yourself, please don't suffer in silence. There are a range of hotlines you can contact if you feel unsafe, so please know that you can always turn to them too.

Take care.