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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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MATB Offline
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Is it okay to hate your parents? - September 7th 2015, 02:46 AM

Let's start off by saying I've been a horrible daughter lately. Yes, I know all teenagers resent their parents and all, but I really don't think I love my parents at all. It makes me feel so bad because my mom is so obsessed with trying to get me into college and doing tons of work and research and she always is saying that she's given up her whole life for me, but I'm just not feeling the love. Like I don't feel comfortable enough to go to her with any of my problems (aka she doesn't know I'm cutting and suicidal and my friend tried to kill herself last week), she is critical "for my own good", never accepting anything less than an A, even in accelerated courses, and she's had me on diets since seventh grade, and I feel like I can't ever fight her on her viewpoints without it turning into a screaming match. She hasn't abused me physically, and this probably doesn't qualify as emotional abuse, but I feel like whenever I tell her that I'm stressed with grades or I want her to stop doing my college research for me she doesn't listen and then throws it back in my face.
Now these past few weeks, I've been standing up to her a lot more, telling her I don't think she's been the best mom and I really resent her for the constant anxiety I have and attribute to her. I feel like I'm justified for finally standing up to her but she is just calling me a b*tch and saying that she can make my life a whole lot worse if I want to keep being rude. I don't know what to do. Are these feelings I have against her at all justified? Is it okay that I'm telling her how crappy she's treated me? I still feel bad because she keeps telling me that she loves me unconditionally and gave up so much for me but I'm not really sure what to think because i never wanted any of it.
I don't know what I'm searching for here except maybe advice or clarification? Please let me know if you think I'm wrong and I can try to fix the relationship or whatever I just want to know if my feelings are okay.
   
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Re: Is it okay to hate your parents? - September 8th 2015, 02:12 AM

hey! as i was reading, i saw that your mom definitely cares about you a lot and wants the best for you. Parents can be annoying.. sometimes we have no choice but to try to understand them. but i definitely see your frustrations. I dont know the entire story but i think the simplest things have the biggest effects. i think the best thing you can do is try to understand where your mom is coming from and just try to remember everything she does is for you. Letting her know what is bothering you is simple but makes a huge difference. By doing this you are letting her know that you trust her, and thats all a parent wants. your mom wants you to talk to her and let you know when things are wrong but she also may not know how to fix things. i think letting her know whats going on would really help out. You don't have to tell her everything ( i dont think she expects that) but say as much as you want. take babysteps and eventually the bond will grow stronger. i hope everything goes well and just keep in mind and remember that everything happens for a reason.. stay strong(:

btw this was my second time typing this because it accidentally deleted the first time soooo hopefully everything is worded right.. lol!
   
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Re: Is it okay to hate your parents? - September 8th 2015, 04:56 AM

It's completely okay to feel anger and resentment towards your parents, but I think that hate is a very strong word. I know you are frustrated with your mom and that is absolutely okay, every single one of us has been absolutely infuriated with our parents at some time or another. It's basically just a given. But you have to understand that regardless of whether or not you agree with your mom's actions, they come from good intent. I think it would be hard to truly hate someone who cares about you so much, and I think you are mislabeling your anger as hatred. You might be mad right now and it is understandable that you are, but I think that at the end of the day you still love your mom and appreciate her for the ways she has helped you and been there for you.

Here's the first thing you need to understand: No one is ever going to worry about you as much as your mother does. My mom used to drive me crazy by worrying about me constantly and being so protective. I thought she was being absolutely crazy for being so paranoid about things, and I just wanted her to leave me alone so I could make my own decisions and live my own life. But the older I have gotten the more I can understand where she was coming from and why she did the things that she did. In the moment it is infuriating, but I promise you that one day you will come to appreciate how much your mom has cared for you.

And the second thing you need to understand is that parents aren't perfect. When I was younger I had such a misconception of parents, and of adulthood. I thought that they were supposed to have it all figured out, that adults were meant to have it all together all of the time and that parents weren't supposed to make mistakes. But that's not the way it works at all. I guarantee that your mom has spent a lot of time throughout your life worrying that she is not raising you the right way, and wondering if her decisions are the right ones. She has more than likely made a lot of mistakes and has a few things she would have done differently, and she is just trying to be the best parent she can be for you. This is why you have to understand that everything she does for you, no matter how annoying it is, she does because she cares about you. Don't look so much at her actions as much as where her actions are coming from. For instance it might be irritating that your mom is so invested in helping you with college, but don't look at it as simply her being controlling and annoying; realize that the only reason she is acting the way she is is because she cares about you. Her actions might not always be okay, but her reasons behind them should make them at least a little bit more forgivable.

I also think you need to sit down with your mom and actually talk about how you are feeling about the way she is handling this. There is difference between sitting down and having a rational conversation, and defending yourself in the moment. When you get angry and yell at your mom for her actions, she is automatically going to get defensive and think you are just being rude rather than bringing up legitimate concerns. Wait for a day where you are both in a decent mood, and sit down with her to talk about how you are feeling. Don't come across as accusatory or act like you are trying to start a conflict. Just let her know how this whole situation makes you feel in a way that does not make it seem like you are trying to defend yourself or attack her. Just have a normal conversation, and she might respond a lot more reasonably. Nothing good comes from speaking out of anger, and no conflict is going to be resolved that way.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but you are so lucky that your mom wants to help you lead a good life. Maybe her approach is a bit off sometimes (she is only human and she is bound to make mistakes) but it sounds like she truly cares about you, and you are so very lucky to have that. I absolutely know how you feel... that feeling that you just want to live your own life and you don't want your mom butting in all the time and trying to control what you do. But take it from someone who has been there: Don't take it for granted. In a few years you are going to be out on your own, making all of your own decisions and getting to live your life just how you want it. But it's not always all that it's cracked up to be, and you should get all the help that you can while you can still get it. It is not fun to be thrown out into the world on your own when you have no idea what you are doing. Your mom is trying to help prepare you for the real world. She wants you to get good grades so you can go to college and have a good career. She wants to help you become successful on your own, and you are incredibly lucky to have someone to help you do that. You don't have to figure out all that scary adult stuff on your own, and I promise you that that is going to make your life so much easier. Try to be willing to accept your mom's help and advice, even if sometimes it is unwanted. I bet you will be very grateful to have it in the future.

I hope this helps a little, and you are more than welcome to message me if you ever want to talk things through a little more. Take care!


   
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