No Contact with Parents

[Coffee.]

It's been a while, TeenHelp. Adulting advice always needed!

Has anybody gone "no contact" with a parent or parents? What were those experiences like? Any advice for somebody being guilt tripped for cutting out abusive or erratic family out of their life?

[Ennui.]

My mom cut off her parents and I think one of the biggest things for her was sticking to her boundaries regardless of what others said. Granted, she had my dad at that point and got along with his family really well so maybe it helped to have their support in the matter. It was also well before the time of cell phones and social media which may have helped. Maybe start out with blocking your parents on social media or at least turn off notifications for any messaging services. Hide their posts so you can’t see what they’re saying. Make it clear you want nothing sent to your home and if they send you any mail, mark it “return to sender.”
I don’t think you have to explain yourself to the person who is guilt tripping you. You don’t owe them that. Maybe you can say that this is something that is not up for discussion with you and you’d appreciate it if they did not bring it up unless you specifically say something about it. If they don’t respect that and they refuse to change the subject if you ask them to, the conversation ends. You don’t deserve to put yourself through a potentially painful conversation or situation for the comfort of someone else.
Like I mentioned before, my mom had my dad’s family during this time. Do you have any people in your life who you consider to be family to you? It can even be a friend group, they don’t have to be blood relatives. Basically they’re the people you can go to when you’re feeling lonely or need support. You don’t even have to talk about your parents in that moment if you don’t want to. It can help just to know someone is there.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

We are always happy to have you come back and post.

One of my best friends from Elementary school who I grew up with, her parents we're taken away when she was 5 years old, her parents we're into drug's and her and her two older siblings almost went into foster care because they couldn't find any other relatives and the three of them stayed with me, my two sister's and parents and then her grandparents we're found after a month. They moved to our area so she and her two siblings didn't have to move away and when she became older and found out what her parents did, she told her grandparents that she was never going to get back with her parents no matter what they try to do. After a long time her parents had gotten out and kept trying to get back with them and all three of them never wanted to have anything to do with them and they moved away and she hasn't talked or seen them. She said it was the best thing that all of them did because all of them almost ended up in foster care because of what they we're doing. It can be hard to have no contact with your parents. You always want to do what is best for you. Try making a pro and con list and see what you come up with and whatever you do, do what's best for you. I hope you have people in your life that you can go to when you need help or want to be with them to talk or hang out with. I hope you will be okay soon. Sending you lots of to help you to be okay soon.

[hocus pocus]

I have not yet, but I will in the future.

Dez mentioned that you don't really owe them an explanation and that is true. From what I understand it's a bit like 'you give an inch, they'll take a mile' kind of thing. if you choose to give them an explanation, they can take your reasoning and break it down or use it to try to manipulate you into staying. Even so, you may decide that you wish to give an explanation and that is up to you.

I am not where you are yet, but I have started to create my own family, in a sense. Most of the time, a positive text message or presence helps. There is one person who knows more than others and I find that support to be very useful, especially because I tend to convince myself that I am the negative, unhealthy person when I get too intertwined. So, a healthy person, no matter what you discuss, can be helpful.

How much do you think your parents will respect your boundaries? Do you think they will call/text you all the time, look for you online, or show up unannounced at your doorstep? Or do you think you'll get silence in return? Something to consider.

And at the end of it, remember that this is for you and your health and safety. Sometimes if I start to doubt myself, I think of a bad moment I experienced to remind myself "this is why I want to do this". Is there one moment that stands out from the rest? Each day after going no-contact is a symbol of the inner peace and freedom you're working towards.

[Kate*]

I'm here right now. After years of putting up with my dad's narcissistic tendencies (per my therapist), and constant judgmental criticism of me as a human, he finally cut ties over my social media comments when Roe v. Wade was overturned. I blocked him, and my stepmom inserted herself, and let's just say, I was the adult in that series of interactions. That was July. He always called me on Thanksgiving and Christmas, and sent me gift cards for Christmas and my birthday. So, I wondered if it would continue. No phone calls, and no Christmas gift card last year. I find it ironic that they cut contact over something so minor after I tolerated (and was guilt tripped by my mom) into putting up with his crap for so long, but it is what it is, and I'm not disappointed. I set a boundary and he threw a tantrum, which is one of several patterns for him. As far as how long this will last or how far it will go, I'm not sure. I really like the fact that the decision is made because I struggled with it for years. But, the thought of not having him present or maybe even aware of major life events still has me torn. On one hand, I would feel bad, and on the other, if he was there, he would probably make a scene or spend the time engaged in his typical behavior which would make me miserable.

As far as the guilt-tripping goes, even if that person is well-meaning, once you're an adult, they don't get a say in the decisions you make. My mom did it with him until I was finally able to explain to her in detail what he was like. She would commiserate, having divorced him, but still try to push me to maintain contact. If you think explaining it to them will help, then you can try it, but you don't owe them the explanation.

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Hi, welcome back! It's always a pleasure to see you around here, no matter how much time has passed and no matter how old you get. Please never hesitate in reaching out, and remember that age is just a number and "teenhelp" is just a name. You can still come on here for support, whether you're 30, 60, or 90. 

Anyways, I want to add my two cents because I had a relative (I never met her) who cut her family off when she turned eighteen. Her parents passed away when she was young, and so she was sent to live with relatives within the same area. I'm only basing this on what I heard from a parent (who wasn't born yet either when this relative left); but her adolescent years were not pleasant.

She ended up relocating to another state, where she changed her name and started a family of her own. It's indicative that she was never again in touch with her family based on two things: the obituary of her brother and when I found her granddaughter, she was shocked to hear from a 'white' relative.

The point I'm trying to get to is that this was so much easier to do in the late 1930s. Telephones existed, but you had to use a 'party' line first connecting with an operator. Computers were only in use by the military come the mid 1940s. By the time technology evolved to the point of the Internet, websites such as Spokeo, and Ancestry spit testing; she had passed away and the people she left behind were long dead.

Consider what you're trying to do is really what it boils down to. I imagine you don't plan to cut off all ties, clear out your savings account, and move to a new state. I imagine you hope to keep your significant other in your life as well as your friend. You have 99.8% of your life still connected. Are your parents on social media? Do they have a current email address? Are they in contact with your inner circle? Are they the type of people who will hire a PI to try to find you, were you to clear your physical and digital trace? Do you think they'd over react if they don't hear from you after 48 hours and call the police to report you missing?

While it is ultimately your decision, this is something you should discuss with your significant other and your inner circle if you haven't yet. You probably have a dozen reasons to go ahead with it; and discussing them might be moot but at least these people in your life will be able to support you in this transition.

Wishing you the best of luck and I apologize for the essay.[/size][/color][/font]