identity, binders & parents

[TH Anonymous]

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Hi!
So recently, I've been questioning.. I think I'm definitely bi and I think I'm either genderfluid, agender, or nonbinary (sort of a question: are there any other genders that I could be? Most times I want to be more masculine and sometimes I want to be feminine). Whatever it is, I'm not really comfortable in my body. I was born a female, and sometimes I love that, but most times I have that. I just don't like the way I look, I sometimes get really really anxious when I look in the mirror. Which is why I would like to acquire a binder, but the thing is my parents would not approve. (I also have not come out to them, and I don't really want to as lots of things are already going on and... other stuff, I'll mention later)
So, my first question: is there to get a binder without my parents knowing? They're fairly strict and monitor almost everything that comes in and out of the house. I've heard of the 'friend' method– get it shipped to a friend, but the problem is I don't have any friends close enough to have it shipped to them (but I'm planning to have more friends in September, when school starts).
Another thing I want to talk about is my parents. If you directly asked them, I'm sure they would say they're not homophobic/transphobic at all, but indirectly? They're a bit weird. For example, sometimes my mom will assume someone's gay (on tv or sometimes in real life, but she'll never say it to their face) and she thinks that 'they them' pronouns are just a trend (two of my friends use they them pronouns, when her and I were talking about them she got mixed up and then laughed, proceeding to jokingly call them 'it'). Another time I wanted clothes from the boy's section, she let me get them but them asked accusingly 'are you a lesbian??'. I don't want to come out for the time being but I know at some point in the future I'll probably accidentally out myself. That just sounds like something I'd do. Or I might not tell them and it might gradually appear. Are they slightly weird about it? I feel like they would make fun of me if, hypothetically, I was trans (I'm probably not).
(also this is just my opinion, but being straight should not be the default. imagine if people had to come out as straight?)
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[Ennui.]

Hey,

This is a lot to go through! You asked if there are more genders that you could be, and I wanted to link you to our Queer Dictionary, that has a lot of information on various sexualities and gender identities. Remember you don't even have to put a label on it if you don't want to. I don't label mine because the full label doesn't matter to me, just how I feel. You can also experiment with different labels until you find one that feels right to you.

I'm wondering if there are any LGBT+ support groups in your school or your nearby town? I know they're strict about what goes in and out of the house, but would they be strict about where you go if you say if you are joining a club or social group? You can stretch the truth on where you are going if you are safe to do so. If you can join one of those, maybe someone in the group would be willing to allow you to ship the binder to them that way, because they'd be more understanding of what you're going through. If not, it's a good plan to meet more people in September when school starts who can hopefully help you out.

Is there another family member you can ask like an aunt, uncle, or cousin who may be safe to talk to? I know it's different but most of my family knows about my mental health and they didn't tell my parents or the people who I didn't want knowing. Maybe your family would be the same way and would be willing to keep the secret for you until you are ready to come out.

It does sound like your parents are a bit weird about being LGBTQ+. To gauge their reaction, you can always bring up something that you saw on the news or on TV and see what they say. You can also provide education that way without it being directly about you. My parents are the same way about they/them pronouns. I'm not out to them but when I'm referring to my friend I always make sure to tell them "they" when they call them "she."

I don't know if this helped at all but I wanted to make sure you know you're not alone. It can be tough going through this but I know you've got this.

Take care,
Dez

[Rainforest]

Thank you for the advice, it has helped! (It's still me btw, I just posted anonymously above)

I think I will agree with you on the labelling, it's so confusing at the moment plus, I think I need to think about it a bit more.

Unfortunately I live in a town where there aren't many support groups, and I'm in Central Europe so things are probably a bit different than in the US. I'm expecting there to be a lgbtq+ group at the school when I start in September. I probably will join, even though my parents might be a bit nosy and start interrogating me about that.

I don't have many safe or close people to talk to :| even if they're people I trust up to a certain extent, I seriously do not trust them to not out me to my family. Literally know one knows about anything I've done, no-one knows I've been questioning, anxious, or mildly SHed before I like venting into my journal, which helps a bit..

I'm going to try gauging their reaction slightly more often now, just to get a sense of what their world is like.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello, I am sorry you are having a hard time with this and hope that you will be okay soon. You can find online groups for this and you can talk about how you feel. Try googling and see what comes up. I hope you will be okay soon and you are always welcome to post on this anytime for help.