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Question What do i do about my boyfriend?? - March 29th 2016, 09:19 PM

My boyfriend and I have been so in love for years now but he got arrested a while ago so i never see him anymore. He was perfect when i met him but since he went to jail he's picked up on the other inmates' violent mindsets and bad ideas and its scaring me. He says that when he gets out, he wants to kill everyone that has hurt me and that he learned how to cook drugs from another inmate so we're gonna be rich soon. I dont want money i just want my old boyfriend back. He never used to have such illegal ideas and all he did was smoke weed. He's really embraced the jail life and doesnt care if he goes back again. I love him like crazy and i promised him id wait for him but now hes almost done his sentence and i think i want to break up with him. I dont want to be involved with all the illegal activity because i want to work with kids when im older and need to keep my record clean for that. I feel like hes emotionally manipulating me into staying with him and i also feel used by him because he only ever talks about sex when he calls me now. I dont know if he's thinking about it so much all of the sudden because he's gone so long without it or because hes using me to fill his sexual desires/thoughts while hes in there. I dont really want to leave him because I'm the only person he has left and i keep my promises to my friends but his violence/drug talk is becoming too much for me. Its sad because jail turned a casual weed user into a violent 'gangster' and i dont know if he'll go back to who he was when he gets out or if he made to many friends in there to go back to who he used to be.
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Re: What do i do about my boyfriend?? - March 30th 2016, 02:37 AM


I think that it is perhaps a good idea to wait and see how he is when he gets out of jail and returns to civilian life. At first, he will almost certainly be how he has been whilst inside, but over time he may return to how he was. You have to bear in mind that he will no longer have direct contact with the other inmates, so there is every chance that once he is surrounded by "nice" people again, he will soften.

Being put in jail is, as you might imagine, very difficult from a psychological perspective. You have to be seen to be tough or you are targetted. There are all kinds of social hierarchies and rules that we don't necessarily have in the outside world. It is understandable that he has turned into a tough guy in order to survive in there.

He may also be quite bitter about being put in there in the first place and this, combined with the fact that he is surrounded by people who will have killed or seriously hurt others, could be what is fuelling his desire to kill the people who have hurt you. However, he may not still feel that this is something he wants to do once he is back with the rest of society.

It is also understandable that he wants to talk to you about things of a sexual nature, as this is not something he will be able to do in an intimate way with the people he is with. Of course, it has the effect of making you feel used, but I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt, i.e. he does still like you for the person that you are, rather than because you have a vagina. I guess this will either be proved or disproved once he is released.

As for the drugs thing; again, this could be something that is on his mind because of the people he mixes with. He may also be thinking about how he is going to pay his way once he is out of jail and could well have come to the conclusion that cooking drugs is easier than trying to find a legitimate job.

Like I said, I think it is best to wait until he is out before you make any decisions about whether you want to stay with him. And even then, give him some time to settle back into "normal" life. I do think that if he is still talking about violence and/or drugs after a couple of weeks of being out, you should tell him straight that you do not want to be with someone who is involved with either of those things. Give him the opportunity to let all of that go if he still wants to be with you.

Of course, it is entirely up to you whether you do wait and give him that chance, or whether you cut your losses and end things now. I just think you should consider the fact that who he is on the phone is not necessarily who he will be once he is out of jail.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck with it.

~ Jasmine

Be kind to yourself.
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boyfriend, confusion, drugs, emotional problems, fear, jail, manipulation, violence

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