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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BiGirl Offline
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Boyfriend acting transphobic. Red flag? warning: long read - May 8th 2020, 04:54 AM

Sorry if the title isn't fully accurate, trying to summarize this into one sentence is kinda hard.
TRIGGER WARNING: I don't exactly know what may trigger some people, so since this deals with some pretty heavy sexuality related topics I thought it best to put a warning.
Warning: this post may get a bit lengthily. I will try to make a summary at the bottom for those who do not want to dig through all I have to explain, which don't feel bad I get it this may get slightly confusing at times.

Onto the backstory. So, today is my and my boyfriend's 3 month anniversary. We decided, with my parents' permission, to have a physical distancing date (Idk if this is something that was already happening, but it was new to me). We were just chilling out in my parents' garage, six feet apart, talking about nothing in particular. He was telling me about the benefits of being basically self employed; getting to decide his hours and taking an hour or two off whenever cause he's his own boss. He gave examples like, going to a sports game or a future kid's recital. But then he mentioned going to a pride parade. I don't exactly remember what was said, but after he said pride parade he made a face (not a good one). So, I inquired further. Why a pride parade if that was something he didn't want to go to? His reply to that was fine, if any of my future kids' are gay then I'd probably go with them. So, after getting on the topic of the LGBTQ+ community he started kind of acting weird about people who are transgender. I, being the person I am, inquired about why he felt or thought the way he does. He kept going on about being them being gender confused and things like that. He even went as far to say that he'd probably kick out his own kid if they were transgender. I tried to get a reason why and explained my position on the matter (I try my best to be fully supportive of everyone) and he kind of rescinded his idea of kicking out said hypothetical kid. We'd never really talked about transgender issues or transphobia before. I had always kind of assumed that he was supportive, seeing as he's supportive of me being Bisexual. I really don't know what to do.

So, here's where I need help. I'm worried that I've found a red flag in the relationship. Like, our relationship is a blanket and I found a hole in it. All he's done to try and fix the hole is cover it up and distract me from it. Is this a red flag or am I making this into something much bigger than it is?

My other issue is that I'm worried I'm giving him too much leeway in my mind (sounds crazy but I'll do my best to explain). So, I kinda blew off this issue earlier and said I was overreacting and he's busy trying to figure himself out. I kind of accidentally helped him discover that he basically is a very closeted bisexual. He's taking some time right now to kind of reflect and try to, basically, understand his own sexuality. Which, I completely get, its really hard. Before we really kinda lead him to a semi-acceptance he was (and still is) kinda sensitive about his sexuality. So, part of me kinda gives him a little break cause maybe he's busy trying to figure himself out that he's having issues thinking about the situations other's are in. I don't know, but I'm worried that I'm cutting him too much slack with this because he's a bit depressed with the whole pandemic and he's trying to figure himself out right now. Am I giving him too much of a break, all things considered?

(Here is the summary of which I promised): Basically, boyfriend started getting a bit transphobic when we were talking about LGBTQ+ stuff. I'm worried its going to be a big deal later on in our relationship. Also, don't know if I'm cutting him too much slack cause he's kinda going through a depressing time and a time of self discovery (sexuality wise).

I tried to make this as clear as possible but, please ask for any clarification you need and I'll do my best to explain further.

Last edited by BiGirl; May 8th 2020 at 04:55 AM. Reason: Font and Size weren't working
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Garyl Offline
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Re: Boyfriend acting transphobic. Red flag? warning: long read - May 8th 2020, 05:12 AM

Hey there, and welcome to TeenHelp!

Unfortunately only you can decide if this is a red flag or not. I would say, objectively speaking, that it's a bit concerning when a partner exhibits transphobia (which, based on what you relayed here, is what happened). Unfortunately, a lot of people on the LGBTQ spectrum are not okay with others who are part of the same acronym. Some people still feel weird about trans folks.

Ultimately it's up to you how much "slack" you give and what you're willing to tolerate. If you are very against homophobia and transphobia it sounds like his stance doesn't fit your values and that may be something you need to think about when it comes to the longevity of your relationship. I'm not saying to break up with him just because he's transphobic but maybe keep the issue on your radar. People do change. He might experience positive growth in that area. But if he can't show acceptance and it's a must for you you may want to reevaluate the relationship.

Good luck and PM me if you need anything else.

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Mallika Offline
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Re: Boyfriend acting transphobic. Red flag? warning: long read - May 8th 2020, 09:50 AM

Hi there,

Thank you for your honest sharing! This depends on how much this matter means to you. If you are very passionate about trans rights and feel that his viewpoints would come in the way of your relationship, then you might want to see if you could have a discussion with him specifically about this matter and see if you both can come to a mutual understanding.

Otherwise, like Jordan said, people do change. In fact, as he figures out his sexuality, his thoughts on trans rights might change. Now, even if it doesn't, you might want to consider if that will make or break your relationship. In other words, are there other matters that are more important in your relationship? Or is respecting trans people an important aspect you'd expect to see in your boyfriend (or a future husband)?

This might not be completely related but it is similar in a way - I know a couple who differ completely on the stance of having children. The girl wants to have kids but the guy absolutely doesn't, yet they are in a stable relationship, because they enjoy being with each other and this is more important than their differences. I think this is what relationships are all about - it's unlikely for us to find someone who will be exactly like us in all our outlooks, so sometimes we might have to do with the other person's opinions. Of course, when certain values are extremely important to us, and if our partner doesn't align with our views, it might come in the way of the relationship. In which case it might be better to re-evaluate the relationship. So it all depends on how much the matter means to you

Also, about the "cutting him some slack" part, I don't think you are. You're not wrong to consider that he's going through a tough time, so it's natural for you to have told him that you were overreacting. Perhaps right now you could ask him if he needs any help coping with how he's feeling (since he appears to be depressed)? Once things are better, you might want to bring up the trans matter again if you feel strongly about it.

Take care and PM me if you have any questions
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