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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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Confidence when dating the same sex - August 31st 2020, 10:49 PM

I guess I should start by saying I identify as queer. I am attracted to people of all gender identities (but I like the term "queer" better than "pansexual"). I should also say I do have a lot of experience with dating. Granted most of those experiences have been short-lived, without developing into relationships, but I have had my fair share of relationships, too (largely due to the fact I am polyamorous).

However, despite all this experience, which has given me lots of insight over the years, I have a lot of dating anxiety, namely surrounding the whole "do they like me?" thing. This is especially the case with women. To be honest I am more attracted to women and fellow non-binary folks than I am to men, and I am so shy with them. I fret way more with worrying whether or not a woman I am pursuing likes me, if I said or did the wrong thing, if I should've sent that text, if I'm messing up. I don't get that anxious with men.

I think part of the reason I have a hangup is because of recent history. Most of the times in the last three or four years I have pursued women they'd go on a couple of dates with me. I thought we were getting on great, but then for some reason it just fizzled out. Sometimes they ghosted, but usually they told me they found someone else and they didn't want to see me anymore. It hurt every time and it made me think something is wrong with me. It made me more self-conscious.

I realize anxiety serves a purpose of some sort, but I think it's harming me way more than it's helping. I worry I will actually mess up not because a woman doesn't like me, but because my anxiety makes things difficult. I just don't know why I can't believe a woman likes me. Even when one says she had a good time and would love to hang out again I am not believing it and I don't know what to do. I don't want my anxiety to a) drive me crazy and bring down my self-esteem and b) push away a potential person I want to have intimate relations with or a romantic relationship with.

What do I do?

Last edited by DeletedAccount71; August 31st 2020 at 11:10 PM.
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Re: Confidence when dating the same sex - September 2nd 2020, 09:39 AM

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this right now and hope that you will be okay soon.

When we are dating someone, sometimes it can be hard because some people only want to date for so long and then they break up with you and we are not sure what we did wrong. Please always remember that nothing is wrong with you, when we are shy or we are not always sure what to say when we are dating. We are not able to know what the other person is thinking, so we have to talk. Try and go to different places and look around and see who do you like. Then go over to them and say Hi, how are you doing. Or if they are in a bookstore try to see what kind of book they are reading and look it up to see what it is about. Say they like Romance books, you can say that you do or do not like them and just start talking about that. Or if you are in a coffee shop, try talking about coffee and then try to think of a movie or something else that you enjoy doing and see if they are into that. If they are then see if you can keep talking or ask to go out for lunch and talk more. If they are not into it, try not to get upset and try this again with someone else. Have little cards with you that have different questions on them and read a few before taking. They can be, How are you doing? Or I love pizza too or coffee, what is your favorite kind? Or anything else that you want to talk about and just be brave and go for it. You are going to find someone who likes you for you because you are a lovely person inside and out, you will like them back and you will be happy. Sometimes it can take a little bit to find that person, you will. I wish you the best with this and hope that you will be okay soon. Hugs


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