Am I the problem?

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Hey guys. I’m in my early 20’s and engaged. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I have noticed recently he has been adding a lot of girls that he works with on Facebook, I notice because they are always hearting his stuff. There is one girl in particular who is always the first one to like everything, and I have seen that she has sent him tik toks and stuff before. I saw it on his Lock Screen when I needed to use his phone to make a call, never clicked the messages or anything but I saw it. Her constantly reacting to his stuff ( and being the first one) started to bother me along with her messaging him frequently it seems like. He doesn’t even know that I saw the messages, but I have frequently mentioned that it bothers me that she is all over his stuff all of the time. One day I asked her if she messages him. He didn’t respond. This has lead to distrust on my part. And although I shouldn’t have did it at this point I was angry and checked his phone to see the messages. He had deleted them all.

He hangs out with three guys he works with and now they all want to start meeting up Friday nights with 4 girls that he works with, her being one of them. I tried to be calm and I don’t him I’m not comfortable with it. He again went silent and changed the subject, and it was clear that my feelings were being dismissed.


I am just not comfortable with him hanging out with her and 3 other girls once a week. It bothers me and I’m angry that my concerns are not even acknowledged. I try to not be the jealous type, something about this situation and this girl in particular is just really bothering me….


I don’t know what to even do, he doesn’t care about how I feel it seems like.[/size][/color][/font]

[Ennui.]

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this!

Everyone has the right to have friends no matter what their gender is, but I can also see where you would be upset by it. It seems suspicious to me that he deleted all the messages when you wanted to look at his phone.

I know you've tried talking to him in the past, but I would try to have a full-out conversation with him. Sit him down on a day when he is in a relatively good mood. Use "I statements" instead of "you statements." For example, don't say "you make me feel angry/hurt/etc." You can say "I feel uncomfortable/hurt/other emotion here when you hang out with other girls because (reason here)." You can also mention that you do not feel heard or communicated with.

Are there any possible solutions you can think of that will make everyone involved happy? For example, do you think he'd agree to you meeting some of the coworkers who he wants to hang out with just so you can get a feel for how they are?

Has he done anything in the past to cause you to distrust him? It may be a good idea to see where your feelings of distrust are coming from.