My past affects my new relationship :(

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]my ex boyfriend was a complete sociopath and would cheat on me and make me feel crazy and that everything was my fault, and i just can't get over the way i felt and how defensive i had to be 24/7, and its making me super defensive and gives me trust issues in this new relationship with an amazing boy. i never knew i was being cheated on or that my ex was a terrible person until he lost interest in me and would break up with me, and i cant shake the feeling of not knowing everything and that i'll find out something that hurts me. i know that me not trusting my bf hurts him, but ive opened up to him and he's always been there for me, but i'm scared i'm gonna drain him because of how many problems i have. that might be because my ex would tell me that anyone i got into a relationship with would love me, but would get tired of me and id ruin their mental health. i just dont know what to do to help myself and keep these problems from hurting my relationship.[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]

[Ennui.]

Hey,

I'm sorry that this has happened to you! I can understand that your past experiences are making things very hard for you.

I'm glad you've opened up to your boyfriend about some of what has happened. I'd say that communication is one of the most important things in any relationship so the fact that you've been able to be open with your boyfriend is huge. Keep those lines of communication open always. I think another thing to make sure of is HOW you communicate issues. It's okay to bring up things you are uncomfortable or upset about, but the way you do so matters. I'm not saying that you do this, but if you ever are uncertain about something due to fears from your past relationship, make sure that you communicate with him in a way that is nonjudgmental and not accusatory. For example, instead of saying "you did x and I'm upset," which may make him defensive, say "I felt (hurt, angry, sad, etc) when (event) happened." Using "I statements" instead of "you" is less likely to make him defensive.

Do you think you and your current boyfriend can come together and kind of make a plan for things that may come up in the future? Of course neither of you can predict what will happen in the future and this may not work for every issue that happens, but maybe you can make an "action plan" of what to do if some of the feelings of distrust or other issues come up. You can explain that it's not because he's doing anything wrong, but just so you are both on the same page going forward and know what to do if certain things come up.

Another thing that may help is asking yourself if you have evidence for the thoughts that may come up. When you're in a moment where you distrust him, ask yourself, has your boyfriend done or said anything in the past that would make you think that something is going on? What other possible explanations can there be for what he said or did? What's the likelihood that the worst case scenario will actually happen?

It's also about working on yourself and your self-confidence. For example, if you are telling yourself you are draining, remind yourself that everyone has problems that they are working on but it doesn't mean that you're draining to another person. Do that with other negative thoughts you may pop up. For example, one thing I tell myself is "I'm a failure." I can replace that with "mistakes are a normal part of life." Depending on how deep rooted some of the things you're going through are, it may help to have a therapist or counselor you can speak with, just to talk things out and get new ways to cope.

[geek27]

It sounds me like a toxic boyfriend and toxic relationship...

[Cherrylicious]

Past abuse will affect a new relationship, so it’s important to be with someone who you can trust with your trauma. Part or getting into a new relationship is opening up to the new partner about damage from past abuse. In my experience, it’s wonderful to have a Loving partner to help me heal PTSD from past domestic abuse.

Your new partner may not know that something is wrong, so you have to communicate with them. The only way an abuser from the past can ruin a new relationship is if they intimidate you into silence with your new partner. And you can tell everything you need to know about this new guy based on how supportive he is when he hears about your past trauma.