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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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Dating/Sex Multiple People? - April 14th 2012, 08:04 AM

I'm in a dilemma... I bought a ticket to Vegas to see my first love again. It's been 5 years and I miss him. I'm not looking for a relationship right now but we both want to see each other. I don't know what will happen but we are probably going to have sex.

Tonight I met up with a guy I met on an online dating site. He's really sweet we went out and didn't go all the way but we definitely got physical.

So... If I go to Vegas and hook up with my ex. It's one trip before I move across country. The guy tonight said he wouldn't mind having a long distance relationship...

If you aren't exclusive when you date... Do you have to tell them who you're having sex with? I want to be safe, but I've known lots of people who are "swingers" and whatnot... What do I do and how does this work?
                   
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Re: Dating/Sex Multiple People? - April 14th 2012, 08:30 AM

You should probably let him know you are seeing somebody else for safety reasons (and nonjudgmentally ask both your partners if they're seeing other people as well). and you should probably also be tested if seeing multiple people. There's nothing wrong with seeing multiple people, just know your STI chances go up with each partner you're with, and all their partners as well. But have fun, use condoms.


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Re: Dating/Sex Multiple People? - April 14th 2012, 08:32 AM

I know one is perfectly okay with it. But the new guy I'm not so sure... I haven't had sex with him yet but we had... Oral. I don't consider it actual intercourse. If something happens in Vegas maybe I can say "Hey, so I just want you to know I hooked up with someone in Vegas but It was a one time thing. We aren't exclusive but I want you to know what happened because I don't want to disrespect you." That good?

What if he tells me to f off? Will he think I'm sexually promiscuous?
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Re: Dating/Sex Multiple People? - April 14th 2012, 08:55 AM

I think you definitely need to tell all your sexual partners if you are seeing other people sexually (you may not consider oral to be intercourse, but it still carries STI risks). Any sexual activity with another person carries health risks, even if you use a condom, and I think it would be wrong to not let both partners know the risk. And if one of your partners got a STI because you failed to inform them that you had other partners, then you could be held legally responsible and be charged.

What you don't need to do is let either partner know who the other person is or any specifics about your relationship with the other person if you don't want to; just mentioning that you are sexually involved with someone else is fine.

If one of your partners doesn't want to see you anymore if they know you are seeing other people, then that's their choice. There's nothing that you can do about it, except decide to be exclusive with that person if that's what you want.



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Re: Dating/Sex Multiple People? - April 14th 2012, 09:03 AM

Do you think I should talk to him tomorrow about it? "Maybe I should ask... Since we aren't exclusive I might be dating or being physical with someone else, I just want to let you know." ???
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Re: Dating/Sex Multiple People? - April 14th 2012, 09:17 AM

That'd be a good idea, to avoid any heartbreak or miscommunication. it'd be good of you to do so.


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Re: Dating/Sex Multiple People? - April 14th 2012, 07:14 PM

OP, the very point of not being "exclusive" is that you are free to date or have sex with other partners. If you were not free to do so, it would be exclusive. And then having the words "non-exclusive" and "exclusive" would no longer make sense.

So if the status of your new "relationship" is "non-exclusive" then this is not an issue at all you should be concerned about. However, you seem to have already decided to be "open" about what you are doing with both men. That is your decision, but in reality you do not actually have to be. You only met this new person within the last two days, correct? That, by itself, means he really does not need to know about any of these details. This is your life, not his. Whether he will be a large part of that life is still unknown. You said the man you have known for a while is already okay with it. If you had been "seeing" this new person for a substantial period of time (and I'm sorry, but two days is not substantial), then perhaps this would be different. At this point, you do not even know if this will last. You are perfectly in the okay to keep this to yourself if that is what you wanted to do. Honesty being the best policy is not always the case, but it does make a nice rhyme. Sometimes it is better to keep things out of the knowledge of others when it serves no purpose to share.

Sex does not have to mean relationship, and it can be casual. Based on your post, it seems evident you are approaching both of these encounters in a very casual way. The person you have known for a while is okay with it. The new person is not exclusive. There is no issue here at all.

Whether you build a relationship with this newer person or not is still an unknown. However, again, this is a choice you have to make on your own.

I only offer this advice because you asked.

Good luck in what you decide to do.
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Re: Dating/Sex Multiple People? - April 14th 2012, 08:08 PM

I think it would be better to have a path of open communication there. It always hurts when you think your the only one and find out otherwise. Especially because of STI's, you never know and it is best that everyone knows that they're getting into. A lot of people prefer to be the only one, either because they know they'll get attached and know that the jealously they'll feel over it will make it 1000X worse OR because they want to know that they're safe from STI's and won't have to worry that a girl/guy will call them and be like "yeah...." So I would let him know just so that he has the right to decide what he is ok with or not, and yeah...
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Re: Dating/Sex Multiple People? - April 15th 2012, 12:12 AM

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Originally Posted by Sequin View Post
OP, the very point of not being "exclusive" is that you are free to date or have sex with other partners. If you were not free to do so, it would be exclusive. And then having the words "non-exclusive" and "exclusive" would no longer make sense.

So if the status of your new "relationship" is "non-exclusive" then this is not an issue at all you should be concerned about. However, you seem to have already decided to be "open" about what you are doing with both men. That is your decision, but in reality you do not actually have to be. You only met this new person within the last two days, correct? That, by itself, means he really does not need to know about any of these details. This is your life, not his. Whether he will be a large part of that life is still unknown. You said the man you have known for a while is already okay with it. If you had been "seeing" this new person for a substantial period of time (and I'm sorry, but two days is not substantial), then perhaps this would be different. At this point, you do not even know if this will last. You are perfectly in the okay to keep this to yourself if that is what you wanted to do. Honesty being the best policy is not always the case, but it does make a nice rhyme. Sometimes it is better to keep things out of the knowledge of others when it serves no purpose to share.

Sex does not have to mean relationship, and it can be casual. Based on your post, it seems evident you are approaching both of these encounters in a very casual way. The person you have known for a while is okay with it. The new person is not exclusive. There is no issue here at all.

Whether you build a relationship with this newer person or not is still an unknown. However, again, this is a choice you have to make on your own.

I only offer this advice because you asked.

Good luck in what you decide to do.
I would agree with you, except for two things:

1. The OP never said that she knows that the new guy knows they aren't exclusive. He could be assuming that they are exclusive if they haven't had a conversation about exclusivity first. It's best to make sure that everyone is on the same page.

2. There is a sexual component to her relationships. If she was just dating multiple people with no sex of any kind, then you're right, she shouldn't have to tell anyone what she is doing (as long as they both know they are not exclusive). But if you are having sex with someone else, then you have to let both partners know. The risk of STIs is higher and it would be wrong not to inform your partners that there is an increased risk, just like it's wrong not to tell a sexual partner if you have a STI.



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Re: Dating/Sex Multiple People? - April 15th 2012, 12:40 AM

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I would agree with you, except for two things
I have no wish to derail this topic into a side conversation as that would go against the forum rules, so I will not be responding to your points directly. I disagree with what you wrote, but discussing farther here would not serve the OP in any meaningful way. If you respond to this, I will not be responding back, not even to clarify this point again. I mean no disrespect to you or your points. If this comes off as rude, please know I do not intend it that way. I have been told many times before that I have a tendency to come off as "rude" when I believe I am being civil, so I thought I should clarify before I ended.
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Re: Dating/Sex Multiple People? - April 15th 2012, 01:26 AM

So I talked to both guys. One told me he doesn't "cuddle in his undies with people that share." He wasn't mad or upset but he said we can go on a date and nothing below the waist. I'm totally cool with that.

The other guy, we'll see where it goes. He's at work right now busy but when he text me he said he's cool with not being exclusive.

I'm just going to be safe. I've always been a really loyal person and I actually want to take time to have fun and meet the right guy.
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Re: Dating/Sex Multiple People? - April 16th 2012, 02:35 PM

Assuming you are monogamous in official relationships, if you aren't dating anyone, it's perfectly fine to be having sex with more than one person. However, everyone needs to be aware that you may be having sex with more than one person if you do start having sex with more than one person. And, of course, you need to use protection. Sexual safety is paramount.

In your case, though, it's tricky. Are you going to Vegas to get back together with your ex? You say "I don't know what might happen, but I think we'll have sex." That's a pretty good idea of what's going to happen, though, or at least what the intention is. And it sounds like you have already talked about a long distance relationship with the guy from a couple of nights ago.

So basically, it's fine if you are having sex and dating multiple people, but if you are throwing relationships into the mix, it gets a little more tricky. I just advise you to be careful, figure out what you want, don't make any promises you can't keep, and make sure everyone is on the same page.

Oh, and have fun.
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Re: Dating/Sex Multiple People? - April 21st 2012, 10:21 PM

No guy is going to take you seriously as gf material if you're swinging but if that's not what you want go for it.
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Re: Dating/Sex Multiple People? - April 21st 2012, 10:30 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Come get some View Post
No guy is going to take you seriously as gf material if you're swinging but if that's not what you want go for it.
Wrong. The swinging scene is full of married couples. Open and polyamorous relationships are getting more popular. It's entirely possible to have a committed, romantic relationship while still fucking other people.



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