Goatboy Offline

Thank you so much for your testimony! Oh you should aid me with my french lol
Anyway I can see what your saying, and you've obviously gone through more than me and stayed strong in your faith - and I really respect this. This is why I often would read about the Coptic and Palestinian as well as Assyrian Christians who are suffering immensely for their faith. But its not the idea of life being hard on me that is the issue, in fact I was very willing to be tested and wanted to go to help those who are persecuted because I believed that by doing this I would find pure Christianity. After all, don't the 'narrow paths' make us better people - isn't humility what we all need. Converting to orthodox Christianity would have been tough, and may have caused problems with parents and friends (which is why I kept it secret). I also really respected the mysticism and ascetic life style of eastern Christianity, and I would have been very open to becoming a monk (seriously) later in life. What is troubling me is that I firmly believe that God is love -PERFECT LOVE. And the old testament certainly doesn't make God sound that friendly. Genocide, smashing babies on rocks, stoning those who weren't religious enough or committed 'sin'. Though of course you could point to Jesus and the woman who committed adultery, and the fact that he said we shouldn't judge people. However he also criticized the Jews for not following a law in the testament in the Bible which said disobedient children should be killed.
Becoming a deist felt like I had gone through a trial of fire, and had come out 'naked like a babe' - with only pure faith in God. This meant I didn't need to be plagued with the issues I had with 'revealed religion'. However it also feels like I've just broken up with a lover who I still am in love with (ie. Christianity). Becoming deist has meant I have lost some things in my life which I feel like I need. And Christianity offered these. I used to love praying, reading lovely Bible passages, I felt like I was on a mission and that I was part of something greater than myself. It was like a rock I could rely on, especially when I needed it the most. I also feel it made me a better person, it gave me self-discipline. It constantly reminded of the importance of humility and since Christ carried his cross for us, so we too must carry our crosses. Not for ourselves but for everyone else as well.
The Orthodox Church seemed like the only church I could turn too. I love it's beauty. The fact that it existed when the Church of Rome was insignificant and on the verge of collapse. It was the Church which gave us the Bible. It has suffered more persecution than another other Church (along with the Assyrian Church), and yet is the most stable. I could go on with this praise for a long time.
However let me go back to it giving us the Bible. The Bible came into being because Emperor Constantine was worried about his empires stability. (Please note this is from previous study _ I may have some facts wrong) Though he may have made Christianity the official religion there was much disagreement among Christians. There were countless Gospels. The BIG question was which Gospels were canonical. So he ordered all the Bishops to meet, and form what we now know as the Bible. This was 140 yrs (may be wrong)after the apostles set out (the Koran was formed 20 yrs after Mohammed's death). And my problem is once again with the Bible. Do we really want to base our lives on a book formed on an Emperors command. Yet I still find myself wanting to be christian. I currently go to a Roman Catholic college (that's what they call it), but have nearly finished and are then going into proper college. And when Gospel verses are read out in form, I find myself wanting to believe. I have also been told about Laminin for the second time from a Christian speaker, and though its no proof of the Gospels it still is interesting to think about, especially when deism tells us we can find God in nature. Personally I am still considering after college hours have finished to go to the local orthodox chapel to watch services. I just can't shake Christianity off. However I will only become Christian if it is for the right reasons. At the moment I am probably just seduced by the culture of eastern Christianity. I want to go to Church not for the beautiful liturgy, mysterious icons or to be part of a group. Nor do I want to listen to some preacher, I want to listen to God, I want to hear him/her from my heart and soul. And I can't find God in the Bible. Deism still seems right for me, maybe this is all just backlash from dropping the burden of 'revealed truths' which I have believed in for such a long time. I suppose I also feel close to the Unitarian Universalist Church which ironically is on the other side of the spectrum from Orthodoxy. And if I am to belief in something I have to go all the way, and have no niggles or be uncomfortable with anything. This is my dilemma and I know I can only sort it out on my own, but I need as much help as possible. I believe God has helped me through my whole life and guided me. It seems however he has now taken me to a crossroads and given me a massive choice. I now must use reason, which God gave, to sort this mess out – even if it takes the rest of my life (and shortens it). Thank you for reading! (sry for the length but I needed to order my thoughts into words and get them off my chest).
Peace and love
Silver Jackal

You had a talking rabbit?