Today was my last day at placement for a few weeks. I'm scared about going back. One of the residents is effectively dying and I know when I go back he'll more than likely have gone. It's hard. I couldn't work in there on a permanent basis, I get too attached to the residents. And I really like D. Last week I was having a conversation when behind me, D started singing "It's a long wayyyyy to Tipperaryyyyy..." Whenever you get him on the stand aid to move him from his chair to another

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I feel like shit! I hate my life... I get told to go shopping to get stuff and then blamed when I don't go to my volunteer placement bearing in ming I forgot because I got told to go shopping and then blamed... Everyone knows I can't remember anything! I'm such an idiot... and i just wasted £10 on stuff for scars, strech marks, dry skin etc... when I could have got something just for scars but stupid me didn't read the bloody bottle! God I'm just a prat! And what's more the oil STINKS so everyones...

I had a really bad relapse today. Made myself sick :/ I haven't eaten since sunday. Then i eat and i make myself sick. I feel so stupid. All i seem to do nowadays is cut, starve myself and just hurt myself. I hate this. I know i need to change but i'm so scared to. I mean this is who i have been for so long. I don't know who i am if i stop this. People are starting to realise things are bad. I don't want anyone to know. So what if i have anorexia? So what if i have constant thoughts of killing myself....

placement today. don't want to go. dont want to deal with it. ordered blades online last night. sharp. surgical. dangerous.
dont want to try anymore. so sick of feeling like this all the time. want it to stop.
blades coming with me. can't be without it. can't do this. don't make me.