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Hm.
Posted March 30th 2011 at 05:27 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
Today was my last day at placement for a few weeks. I'm scared about going back. One of the residents is effectively dying and I know when I go back he'll more than likely have gone. It's hard. I couldn't work in there on a permanent basis, I get too attached to the residents. And I really like D. Last week I was having a conversation when behind me, D started singing "It's a long wayyyyy to Tipperaryyyyy..." Whenever you get him on the stand aid to move him from his chair to another chair he goes "Up, up, and awayyyyy!"
He's lovely. And a part of me doesn't want to go back. Because I know when I do, Peter will say "Ah, hello. Now, Mr {man's name} unfortunately passed away, which we knew was happening anyway but... Yes! Anyway. If you go into the lounge and start bringing them up for breakfast, that would be great."
I don't know how people can deal with working in residential homes and ICUs. Obviously when I leave then I more than likely won't see any of the residents again, but I won't have to be told that they died. So over time I can just accept that they probably passed away at some point and at least I know they were well looked after so that's kinda okay, I guess. But still.
All I can do is be glad that I haven't gotten majorly close to any of them. I really can't handle losing anyone else I care about. Even if it's just in a professional capacity.
I was watching tv earlier. There was a girl on it who was 19. She'd been diagnosed with anorexia when she was 12. Her bmi was higher than mine and she weighed a little more. Except she hadn't eaten in a week. Her bones were that of a 60 year old woman's and she was really weak and killing herself bit by bit. Her boyfriend was crying and really upset saying how it was destroying him to see her like that. Guess it made me realise that I'm not planning on stopping until I get to my target, but once I get there I'll want to go lower again so that I don't go higher. And that kinda scares me. I kinda scare me. Between that and ordering the blades and making plans to buy more alcohol, maybe pills. I'm scared. And I want out. And I don't want to die. And i don't know what to do.
This is so confusing.
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Stay strong, you can do this. You're going to be okay <3Posted March 30th 2011 at 06:38 PM by Palmolive
