I've taken four. I have ten left. What now? Do I have the guts?

...

I want to take them. I want to die. Christ, why won't these feelings stop? Why is it that as soon as I'm on my own I'm a wreck. I want to cut. But I promised him I wouldn't. I promised him I wouldn't overdose either. Who cares about freaking promises. Make this stop. Please, someone make this stop.

I'm talking to a friend over msn, who says they're feeling depressed because of their ex. I'm finding it really hard to help, because although I love them, and I understand they feel bad, it hurts that they don't know how I've been feeling. It hurts that people don't know, and if they see me crying or angry or something, they think I'm weird or over reacting to something or just attention seeking. I hate keeping everything hidden.

Tried to help today. Screwed up as usual. My mom asked me to clean the windows. I wanted to. I wanted to help her and prove i'm not as useless as everyone makes out but i just couldn't do it. It was stupidly sunny. Everyone was outside in bikini tops or short sleeves. I had a long sleeved jumper on hiding all my scars that noone knows about. I couldn't risk anyone seeing. So it told her i didn't want to but i would do something else. She moaned but i guess i'd rather that than her find out the truth....

Still at the hospital. I think their letting me out in a couple hours, But I have to go right from here to therapy. Not my usual therapy either, I have to go to "group therapy". "So I can understand I'm not alone in this world" (Doctor's words, not mine)
My social worker came to see me, She asked me how I was and I tried. (she wrote everything down, it was quite creepy) After that she went out into the hall to talk to Debbie and Bill, And told them she's thinking about...

DIE DIE DIE:

I want to die.
I don't want to live anymore.
Is there a difference between the two;
Wanting to die and not wanting to live?

It's really stupid though;
Things are going okay,
I have plans for the future,
I have friends and stuff,
Yet I feel like I'm depressed.
I'm unhappy for no reason.

I have reasons to be happy,
Yet I'm depressed.
It's not right, is it?
It's kind of messed up....

I didn't overdose. But I still have the pills. And I still want to.

I'm in the hospital right now. I can't exactly remember what happened. I know I cut but I didn't think it was that deep, apparently Debbie found me passed out in my room.
My doctor said if she see's me again she'll kill a kitten Usually I'm only there overnight but they want to keep me longer this time:\ Oh and Bill looked through my phone and found out my dad called. He's mad I didn't tell him, So I told him what my dad said and he got all upset. Then he told Debbie and she got...