Hello!

Just looking at my old blogs and watching four weddings... I want to hit myself on the head. with a hammer. I'm slightly embarrassed, because it's a bit... Yea.

Today I was in the bathroom at school in the middle of the day, and I noticed that I could maybe pass if it wasn't a girls room and no one knew me... But, nope. ^^' I've basically gone to school with a lot of people for plenty of years.

It's always like that, isn't it? You look the way...

My stomach twists with hunger.
But I don't care.
My mom said i could not cut.
What she does not know will not hurt her.
Only me.
I want to be free of this world.
I want to be home with my God.
I wonder why i have to stay here.
I can't do anything right.
I can't help people.
Can i please just leave?

I look happy right? Haha i think thats one of my biggest lies... I'm hardly ever happy.. I wear bright colors and a fake smile that no one can see through.... No one in my family knows that i starve myself... They dont know that i still cut... They think i stop months ago... I did try to stop but i can't.. I dont know if I'll ever be able to.. or if I'll ever be the same again... Right now my only hope is to be skinny and beautiful.. and then when i am that i will be able to stop cutting and that...